Author: PD Scullin

The Republican Party is on a roll in Texas.

After effectively eliminating a woman’s right to choose after six weeks and turning the population into money-hungry bounty hunters, GOP Texas lawmakers propose a new bill that would severely limit a woman’s right to free speech.

“Texans love their women,” says rep. Barry F. Lunkin. “Most of us had moms who were of the female persuasion. But we also know womenfolk are prone to saying things their men may not want to hear––like we’re drinkin’ too much, want a bunch of sex from them, or have our loaded weapons lying around the house where the kids can find them. We know the ladies probably feel guilty about running their mouths all the time riding us like they’re trying to break a wild mustang, so we’re going to help them.”

In a proposed law written by Lunkin and a few of his GOP associates in the Texas legislature, women must remain silent unless addressed directly by a man.

“I think it’s a darn good law,” Lunkin tells The Lint Screen. “It’ll give the little ladies some time to think before they run their yaps. All of us men agree that women talk too much, and it gets on our nerves something fierce. This law will make it easier for us to love and care for our little fillies because they won’t be driving us nuts with their jib-jabbering all the time. Gov. Greg Abbott is crazy about the legislation and is itching to sign it into the law of the land.”

Lunkin believes his new law coupled with the recently enacted anti-abortion law will go a long way to bring peace to the battle of the sexes.

“When a man needs his woman, he’ll let her know,” Lunkin says with a smile. “And when he’s done with her, she can get back to being quiet––going to work at the Walmart, minding the young uns, or rustling up some grub. This new legislation will make every woman’s life easier because she won’t have to have any small talk or babble on about every little thing under the sun. We want Texas to be heaven for women, and we’re going to do everything in our power to make that happen.”

Lunkin tips his ten-gallon hat and strolls into the sunset depicted on the wallpaper in his office. He bumps his head and swears.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Boy, howdy, if you want an abortion, you better not be in Texas.

The Texas state senate passed the restrictive Senate Bill 8, and Gov. Greg Abbott signed it into law. The U.S. Supreme Court recently declined to review its Constitutionality, meaning there are effectively no abortions in Texas six weeks after conception.

“A man’s seed is sacred,” says Texas State Senator Ray Wills of Laredo. “It doesn’t matter if the fetus was the result of incest or rape; we’ve got to protect a man’s property harbored inside a woman. Rapists got rights, too, you know. If we allow women to kill their babies willy nilly, who is going to inherit the world? SB 8 protects a man’s property.”

Wills explains the punitive action any Texas citizen can take against a woman seeking an abortion after six weeks.

“Anyone involved with helping a woman get an abortion will be in deep doo-doo,” Wills tells The Lint Screen. “It doesn’t matter if it’s a family member, abortion counselor, medical professional, whoever–– if you help some lady get rid of her fetus, you’ll get sued for at least $10,000 plus the legal fees. This law makes every Texan a bounty hunter, so we can spy on women and see what sort of sneaky shenanigans they’re up to.”

The Texan pauses and strikes a contemplative pose.

“Listen, I fully support the rights of women,” he claims. “That’s why I supported our troops in Afghanistan. They were trying to stop the abuse of women at the hands of the Taliban, a pack of religious fanatics. And as a devout evangelical Christian, I believe we must protect our Texan women from making the wrong choice for their bodies.”

He pauses. “This law’s a big deal,” the blowhard senator says. “We must protect the rights of babies, and we cannot have their incubators–– women–– threatening their lives. Babies need to be delivered, whether they’re wanted or not, and the women must become their mommies. Then, both need to pull themselves up by the bootstraps and make their way in life without government assistance. Handouts make people weak, and we don’t want that. We got to save our tax money for essential things like oil subsidies.”

The Texan politician believes the new abortion law is a win-win for everyone.

“SB 8 protects fetuses,” he says with a smile. “And it protects the men who made them. I think all the little ladies will be happy us menfolk made this law to prevent them from making a mistake they will regret for a lifetime. We don’t want them worrying their pretty little heads on matters like what freedoms they got. We’ll decide that.“

The Texan smiles and does the Cotton-Eyed Joe.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Apple TV may have a hit with its show Ted Lasso, but there’s one person who is not a fan: disgraced twice-impeached ex-president Donald J. Trump.

“Ted Lasso’s a total disaster,” Trump tells The Lint Screen. “He’s very weak. His wife is divorcing him, so that tells you he’s a loser. Only losers get divorced. Then Ted Lasso gets a job in England as a soccer coach, and he tries to save face by calling it ‘football.’ Everyone knows it’s really soccer. America is the only place where we play real football, a macho sport where big tough guys pat each other on their butts after good plays.”

The MAGA man doesn’t understand how anyone likes Ted Lasso.

“He’s one of those goody-two-shoes guys,” Trump says. “He’s all sunshine and rainbows. He looks on the bright side of things. But that’s not the real world. In the real world, everyone is out to get you, and they’re conspiring to make you fail. Like Joe Biden stealing the election from me. Everyone knows Biden cheated and isn’t the real president. Mr. Pillow Guy says I won, and he is very smart. Rudy Giuliani says I won the election too. Also, honest men with great integrity like Jim Jordan and Ron Johnson. I even have Ted Cruz on my side. These men wouldn’t lie. All the best people support me.“

The ex-prez thinks Ted Lasso is a poor excuse for a man.

“Lasso is the kind of guy who would probably vote for Biden,” Trump says. “Because weak people like weak people. My MAGA people are tough. Tough like me. They have guns and use American flags as weapons, and beat the living hell out of cops who try and stand in their way. My people are tough patriots. Weaklings like Ted Lasso and Joe Biden watch them on TV and boo-hoo because they know they’re not tough.”

The blowhard doesn’t understand the popularity of Ted Lasso.

“It’s dangerous that people like a disgraceful guy like Lasso,” Ivanka’s daddy says. “When I get reinstated, I’m going to make sure that show won’t be broadcast again. Ted Lasso is making America weak. I’ll make it strong again.”

A servant entered and informed Mr. Trump it’s time for his manicure/pedicure. The orange blob grinned and wobbled out the door.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

It used to be wearing a mask was an essential part of a bank robber’s wardrobe. Not anymore.

Randy Sumpton of Apopka, Florida, decided to rob The First Florida Bank and did it maskless. Almost immediately, the police arrested him.

“I wasn’t going to bow to the Fauci COVID-crowd,” Sumpton tells The Lint Screen from behind bars. “Nobody is going to tell me I have to wear any fool mask on my face, not if I don’t want to.”

Sumpton may soon have many years in prison to rethink his position on mask wearing. Eyewitnesses identified him as the bank robber, and Sumpton was cuffed and doing a perp walk moments after pulling off his big job.

“I guess Randy thought no one was going to recognize him,” Apopka Police Chief Jester Willington said. “But the bank teller knew who he was because ol’ Randy works next door at the Celia’s Diner. He’s been a cook at Celia’s going on ten years. Everybody knows Randy Sumpton. He’s the guy who sweats in your hash browns or over your fried shrimp.”

“I’ve got my rights under the U.S. Constitution,” Sumpton says. “And there ain’t nothing in that piece of old yellow paper about having to wear no fool mask. Tell you what, I don’t even think this COVID thing is for real anyways. I heard tell it was something cooked up by God-hating Rachel Maddow, Dr. Fauci, and Joe Biden so they could steal the election from Donald Trump. And now they want to jab you with needles to control your mind.”

The bank robber shakes his head.

“Wearing a mask is a prison for your face,” Sumpton declares. “And I’m the kind of guy who loves his freedom. I ain’t going to allow no government to tell me what to do. I’m going to live free or die.”

Let’s hope the inmate makes a pen pal or two.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

It seems The Republican Party is battling over who can be the most heartless, and in that showdown, Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis may be the champ.

While the Delta variant of COVID rages through the dong-shaped state, DeSantis had rejected mask mandates and even threatened to dock the pay of teachers and administrators who allow children to wear masks.

“Let kids be kids, for crying out loud,” the guv tells The Lint Screen. “And if some kids get the COVID and die, at least we can take comfort in knowing they died free. I hope they also go while clutching a handgun or two because that’s a God-given right too.”

DeSantis is especially upset at President Joe Biden.

“Biden cheated Trump out of re-election,” DeSantis claims, “and now he wants to cheat us out of our freedoms. Old Joe says we should all get vaccines. What kind of sick maniac wants to jab innocent people with needles and inject them with God only knows what? I suspect the vaccine may contain sperm from George Soros and that Biden wants us all to give birth to dangerous liberal thoughts. Things like empathy and compassion, and believing in stuff like science and experts. Well, not in my state, no sir!”

The slick-looking pol says he won’t stand for the federal government telling him what to do.

“I’m the governor,” he declares. “If I want to restrict peoples’ rights and endanger my citizens, it’s none of the government’s damn business. COVID, in any flavor, is a state’s rights situation, and I make the rules, dammit.”

Many believe the Florida governor may be jockeying for position in a presidential run in 2024.

“That’s poppycock,” DeSantis says. “I fully back the reinstatement of Donald J. Trump, and after he serves his second term, well, I suppose he won’t be able to serve again. Unless he wants to run again, in which case I support him 100% because he is my idol and our glorious leader forever and always.”

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous ride across America with a circus in the early ’80s. This book has earned 100% 5-Star reviews on Amazon. Act now and save during pandemic pricing. You’re a click away from a fun, unforgettable ride. Buckle up and go.

The man closer to Trump’s ass than Donald’s sphincter, Rep. Ron Johnson (R-WI), is looking beyond his original conspiracy theory that Antifa was responsible for the January 6 insurrection. Now he blames House Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA).

“Pelosi is the cause of all the trouble on January 6,” Johnson tells The Lint Screen. “She should have been standing guard in front of the Capitol Building and protecting it from the assault. A strong Speaker of the House would have done that, but not Nancy. She was too busy shirking her responsibilities and hiding like a coward. It was disgusting how she turned her back on her duties.”

Johnson said there is a simple reason an insurrection has never happened before.

“We’ve always had Speakers of the House who were brave patriots,” the raging nutcase declares. “But since Nancy Pelosi and the Democrats are determined to destroy our democracy, she did nothing to halt the rush of people angry at a stolen election. It’s a total disgrace how she failed us, and a lot of good people suffered because of her. I don’t see why she couldn’t have been standing in front of the Capitol with a Louisville Slugger and saving this beautiful building from attackers. Instead, she put law officers at risk– to save her bacon! It was disgraceful.”

The wild-eyed looney thinks Pelosi should be impeached and then drawn and quartered.

“I couldn’t feel more strongly about this,” he declares. “Pelosi is an existential threat to our country. I believe she was also responsible for COVID, The Civil War, The Great Depression, lousy customer service at AT&T, my ingrown toenail, and my wife’s frigidity toward me.”

Rep. Johnson stops, stares out of the window, and continues.

“Pelosi must be stopped for the sake of every American. And we must get our savior Donald Trump reinstated, then we can do away with elections, because they are all rigged.“

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous ride across America with a circus in the early ’80s. This book has earned 100% 5-Star reviews on Amazon. Act now and save during pandemic pricing. You’re a click away from a fun, unforgettable ride. Buckle up and go.