Author: PD Scullin

Convicted felon/sex assaulter and twice impeached disgraced ex-President Donald J. Trump must have access to a time machine. The 78-year-old man is convinced his scheduled September 10^th ABC debate with Democratic Presidential Nominee Kamala Harris has already happened. 

“My performance was amazing,” humble Trump told The Lint Screen. “I beat her like a dog. No one’s ever seen anything like it. I smashed her worse than Crooked Joe Biden or Barack Hussein Obama when I debated them. Even worse than when I beat Abra-ham Sandwich Lincoln. Historians are saying I am the greatest debater ever. They also say I was the greatest president in history, without a doubt. Everyone says so.”

Trump believes the Trump/Harris debate was a historic television event.

“They’ve never seen ratings like mine,” Trump says. “I’ve heard six, maybe seven billion people watched me crush Kama-Lama-Ding Dong. And Elon…Elon Musk, he’s a great friend of mine. The guy loves me… Elon put the debate up on his satellites––he has many, many satellites up in the sky, so many satellites––and no one knows how many planets and aliens watched it. But one thing’s for sure, they won’t be invading Earth, not with Trump back in office. I’ll tell you that!”

The cantankerous old man is convinced his imaginary debate performance may have saved the world.

“Now everyone in the universe knows not to mess with Trump,” he declares. “I’m not only making America safe again but I’m also protecting the planet. It’s unbelievable how incredible I am.”

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is Wilder than a Circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. The book is also available as an audiobook. Buckle up and go.

Disgraced ex-president/felon/sexual assaulter Donald J. Trump is outraged with the media’s coverage of Kamela Harris’ presidential campaign.

“They say her campaign is joyful,” Trump told The Lint Screen at a conference in Erie, Pennsylvania, “but they’re wrong, like always. So wrong. My campaign is the joyful one.”

Trump claims that Harris has manufactured large, happy crowds at her rallies.

“It’s all AI,” Trump says. “Completely fake. She has to create these big crowds because no one likes her. She might be the most unpopular person in the world. Very unlikable. A nasty woman. Communist. Hates kids. Very bad. She wants to kill pets.“

The Republican candidate believes he will beat Harris in a landslide.

“The polls are all wrong,” Trump says. “The polls are talking to people created by AI. They’re all fake. I’m killing her in the real polls with real people. Everyone loves me because I lift people up––I make them happy. So happy. They know only I can make America great again. Again. A man came up to me the other day with tears in his eyes. He said, ‘Mr. President, you are like sunshine. Whenever I see you, I feel warm. You make me feel joy. So much joy.’ And I told him to get out of the way, I didn’t have time, and to keep his germs to himself. But he loves me. That guy loves me so much.”

The things Vice President nominee Tim Walz has said about the GOP get under his orange skin.

“Walz said we’re weird,” Trump says. “That’s a lie. We’re normal, very normal. JD Vance and I are just regular guys—ordinary fellows. And we’re so much richer than Walz or Harris. They’re the weird ones. They didn’t even go to Ivy League schools or make millions like us. Of course, I made billions—so many billions. No one’s ever seen the kind of money I make. I’m incredibly rich and normal. And very stable. So sane. And smart. So smart. My uncle taught at M.I.T. I have a very big brain. I’m a stable genius. Everyone says so. And I make people happy because my campaign is the joyful one with my positive message that’s like sunshine and…”

He continued droning for another two hours as his audience snuck away.

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is Wilder than a Circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. The book is also available as an audiobook. Buckle up and go.

Springfield’s richest man, mogul Charles Montgomery Burns, took to his proprietary social media channel BURNS-NET to interview presidential candidate Donald J. Trump and dastardly billionaire Elon Musk in a meeting of the minds that illuminated the current political scene.

After an hour and sixteen-minute delay caused by “cyber-attacks from evil enemies of progress,” the illuminating discussion got underway.

CMB: Tell me, Donald, about how the Democrats are cheating you.

DT: It’s disgraceful, Mr. Burns. They rigged the last election, Crooked Joe stole it from me, and now they’re trying to rig this one. They shoved Biden in the dirt and found this black or Indian person–– has a funny name. Kama-something-weird no one can pronounce. I don’t know what race she is, no one does–– but the person says she’s a woman. But you know, many people are saying he or she is transitioning, so they made her/him/whatever the candidate because they’re checking all the boxes. And now they’re acting like she’s popular. No one’s ever seen anything like it.

EM: Obviously a DEI hire.

DT: Exactly. And then, she picked a running mate who never fought in a war but says he did. Says he handled nuclear bombs, and all sorts of stuff. The guy’s a total fraud, and–

EM: I heard he’s not even rich.

CMB: What?!!! The man is a commoner? A peasant?!!!

DT: Worse than that… he was a teacher. High school. Not even private–– a public high school!

EM: Pathetic. Who the hell teaches? That’s a sucker’s game.

DT: Shut up, Elon, I was telling my grievances, about how the world is against me because I’m a self-made stable genius who never got a break. So, these two jokers, they’re awful, not-so-nice people, are going all over the country, and using AI to make fake huge crowds so it looks like they’re really popular, and the lamestream media gives them tons of coverage. They ignore me, the man who made America great again once. It’s very unfair.

EM: They’re out to get you. AI is very dangerous when you can’t control it, and that’s why I–

DT: Please, Elon, I’m talking over here. I’m trying to make America great once again, and I picked the perfect running mate, JD what’s-his-name, that guy with the ugly beard who screws furniture, and he is happy to do what that chickenshit Pence wouldn’t do.

EM: Pence should have been hanged. He was a treasonous traitor who–

DT: Elon, don’t make me smack you in your pumpkin head.

CMB: Oh, violence––excellent! Fight, fight!!! Let’s see bloodshed.

DT: Forgive, Elon, Mr. Burns, he’s an immigrant. He snuck into the country in a caravan. Very dangerous, caravans of millions of immigrants.

EM: No, Donald, you’re wrong. I’m a citizen who’s used American taxpayer dollars to build my multi-billion dollar businesses and control the universe.

DT: Quiet, Elon. You’re not half the businessman I am. Why, I was born into poverty, barely had bootstraps to pull myself up…

AND SO IT WENT FOR SIX HOURS…

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is Wilder than a Circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. The book is also available as an audiobook. Buckle up and go.

On Wednesday morning, the switchboard operator at Fox News Network allowed an enraged, crazy old man to reach the hosts of Fox and Friends.

“Harris and Walz want to make Americans turn into communists,” disgraced ex-President felon Donald J. Trump shouted. “They want to boil everyone in oil, skin them, shove maggots in their mouths, and chop their limbs off with rusty saws. They’re going to kill all the pets too. These are not very nice people.”

Host Steve Doocy was shocked. “I had no idea they were so liberal.”

“Or cruel,” said Ainsley Earhardt. “What they’re planning is just awful.”

“I could never vote for them,” Brian Kilmeade. “I don’t want to be a communist. I like my limbs.”

“Then you’ve got to vote Trump,” the cranky old guy said. “I’m going to make America great again again, like I did the last time I was president, until they cheated me out of office.”

“What do you think of the Democrats’ apparent happiness and joy with the new ticket?” Doocy asked.

“They keep saying we’re weird and they’re happy, which is a lie,” the enraged man said, turning from orange to red. “When I was president, everyone was happy. Very happy. Everyone says so. I got love letters from that little Kim guy in Korea. Putin loved me. And everyone says I did a great job leading them through covid, people were very happy then. No one’s ever seen anything like it. So much happiness. Many people are saying covid was started by KamaBigdummyla. My new nickname for her is KamaBigdummyla. Do you like it? “

“It’s very clever,” Doocy says. “True genius. And stable.”

“I love it,” Kilmeade agrees. “Really rolls off the tongue.”

“Another winner, Mr. President,” Earhardt says. “Very catchy.”

“Have you been happy with your vice president pick, JD Vance, sir?” Doocy asks. “Some people wonder if––”

“He’s fantastic,” Trump says. “A real regular guy. Very down to earth, has all that hillybilly stuff. Pure white trash. And has rich friends. He loves me. So much love for me. He’ll be brave enough to do what Mike Pence was too chicken to do.“

“Are you feeling confident, Mr. President?” Kilmeade asks.

“Never been more confident,” the agitated nutball says. “Kama-what’s-her-name picked a real loser running mate. Tiny Tim Waltz. Such a stupid name, Waltz. No one dances waltzes anymore. He legalized heroin in Minnesota, forced women to get abortions, and many people wonder about all the time he spent with young kids. Underage kids. Talk about creepy. I’m going to mop the floor with those two losers.”

“Well, you probably have to go now,” Doocy says. “I’m sure you have a busy day on the campaign trail.”

“No, my tee time’s not for another two hours,” the grouchy senior says. “Let me tell how Joe Biden ruined America and the world…”

The hosts roll their eyes as the old dude works up another head of steam.

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is Wilder than a Circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. The book is also available as an audiobook. Buckle up and go.

Disgraced ex-President and current convicted felon Donald J. Trump appeared before a panel of reporters at the National Association of Black Journalists Conference in Chicago, and he made some startling claims.

“Is Kamala black?” Trump wondered. “She used to say she was Indian, but I doubt she could ride a horse or shoot a bow and arrow. Then, she suddenly declared she was black because she thought it would help her run against me. But is she really black? I don’t know because I don’t see race. Maybe she uses a lot of makeup.”

Trump shook his head in disgust.

“Me? I think you should just be who you are, and that’s why I am so authentic,” he said. “I say always tell the truth because, like it says in the Good Book, the truth shall get you free stuff. Or something like that. But Kamala can’t be trusted.”

He was just getting started. He crossed his arms and continued.

“Kamala, if that is her real name, she will say anything to get elected,” Trump blathered. “And she has no kids, so like my running mate J.D. Vance says, you know she’s a crazy cat lady. Probably smells like a litterbox. And I heard she hates the Jews, too. She’s a bad woman. And why does she have a name that’s so hard to pronounce? She won’t help the blacks or anybody.”

Trump also claimed he had done more “for the blacks” than Abraham Lincoln.

“Abe was a good guy,” Trump told the audience. “A very good guy who freed the blacks, but I did more because I’m friends with Tim Scott. He’s a black, black as the ace of spades, and we are friends. I love Tim––a very black man and a very good friend. But again, I don’t see race. Abe Lincoln? That’s all he saw was race. A bad president, Lincoln. Very overrated.”

Trump took great umbrage at some questions and stormed off the stage, pouting and stomping his feet.

“Where’s Hannity?” he asked aides. “I need a Hannity hug!”

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is Wilder than a Circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. The book is also available as an audiobook. Buckle up and go.

What a topsy-turvy time it’s been for GOP presidential candidate Donald J. Trump. He survived an assassination attempt, chose hillbilly Yale-educated tech bro JD Vance as his running mate, had a raucous Republican National Convention, and prepared to unleash MAGA forces on his behalf against 81-year-old President Joe Biden.

Then, everything changed. 

Biden announced he was stepping down from the ticket and endorsed VP Kamala Harris. The Democratic Party rallied around her, and now the race could be a generational battle between the 78-year-old Trump and the 59-year-old Harris.

Then everything changed again. Trump tells The Lint Screen he is now officially 53 years old.

“My birth certificate was lost,” he says, “but Melania found it in an old box. According to my birth records, I was born in 1971. So I’m six years younger than Harris, who is way over the hill. She’s completely out of it. I know you’re supposed to be kind to your elders, but I intend to beat her like a drum in the 2024 race.”

Rep. Ronny Jackson, a doctor, confirms the validity of the birth certificate.

“I can say it’s 100% authentic,” Jackson says. “And in my medical opinion, President Trump is in exceptional health for a 53-year-old man. I feel sorry for Kamala Harris because he will run circles around her.”

“Too bad old Joe ran away,” Trump brags. “He knew I would win in a landslide again, just like in 2020 when Biden stole the election from me. Now, I’m going to take it out on Harris. She’s not like us. We can’t have her in the presidency. She should be home cooking and cleaning for her husband.”

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is Wilder than a Circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. The book is also available as an audiobook. Buckle up and go.