PD Scullin

Disgraced ex-President Donald J. Trump thinks tonight’s debate will prove his qualifications for a return to The Oval Office. “Look at me,” he told reporters. “I’m a giant. I must be 7′ 10” tall—maybe eight or nine feet. I could play in the NBA if they didn’t have a race restriction. And how tall’s Kambalalaloo? … Read more

It seems like GOP V.P. candidate JD Vance can’t catch a break these days. “The media’s out to get me,” Vance tells The Lint Screen, perhaps the world’s only trusted fake news source. “Harris and Walz call me weird. Well, let me tell you something; they’re the weird ones,” JD says as he stuffs a … Read more

Pennsylvanians were recently treated to over a 90-minute speech by convicted felon and sexual assaulter GOP presidential candidate Donald J. Trump. “The lamestream media says I ramble in my speeches,” Trump told his captivated audience. “They’re too stupid to understand. I talk about one thing, and then another. And another and another and another and … Read more

Convicted felon/sex assaulter and twice impeached disgraced ex-President Donald J. Trump must have access to a time machine. The 78-year-old man is convinced his scheduled September 10th ABC debate with Democratic Presidential Nominee Kamala Harris has already happened.  “My performance was amazing,” humble Trump told The Lint Screen. “I beat her like a dog. No one’s ever … Read more

Disgraced ex-president/felon/sexual assaulter Donald J. Trump is outraged with the media’s coverage of Kamela Harris’ presidential campaign. “They say her campaign is joyful,” Trump told The Lint Screen at a conference in Erie, Pennsylvania, “but they’re wrong, like always. So wrong. My campaign is the joyful one.” Trump claims that Harris has manufactured large, happy … Read more

Springfield’s richest man, mogul Charles Montgomery Burns, took to his proprietary social media channel BURNS-NET to interview presidential candidate Donald J. Trump and dastardly billionaire Elon Musk in a meeting of the minds that illuminated the current political scene. After an hour and sixteen-minute delay caused by “cyber-attacks from evil enemies of progress,” the illuminating … Read more