Author: PD Scullin

Fred Trump officially died in 1999, but like herpes, he hasn’t gone away.

The president’s father has been watching his son Donald for a long time, and he reached out from beyond the grave to give an exclusive interview to his favorite news source, The Lint Screen.

“I’ve been dead over 20 years,” Fred said, “and I spend most of my time spinning in the grave witnessing Donald’s childish antics. He got smoked by Biden in the election, and now Donnie says he was cheated. He lost. He’s a born loser. For Chrissakes, can you believe this guy? Donald was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and a horseshoe up his ass, but he still bitches and whines like a little kid. Pathetic. He’s pathetic.”

Fred Trump says he knows firsthand what a bad leader Donald is.

“Donald squandered every penny I ever gave him,” Fred declared in disgust. “Over the years, he blew through a billion bucks of MY money. I kept thinking, he’s got to get lucky one of these days, right? But no, not that idiot, Donald. Hell, he even found out a way to lose money on a goddamn casino. Who does that? Unbelievable.”

The father is ashamed of his son’s performance in the White House.

“Donald has ruined our family name,” the elder Trump stated. “It wasn’t much, to begin with, but he really shit the bed with his refusal to accept reality and temper tantrums. Christ, what kind of adult acts like that?! Grow a pair and man up!”

Fred Trump thinks Donald ran a horrible re-election campaign.

“He ran around the country spreading pandemic germs like the Johnny Appleseed of death,” Fred said. “It’s like he’s trying to kill his damn voters. And what about his lame response to COVID-19? Nothing, crickets. He calls it a hoax. Donald dodges responsibility every time he gets an at-bat. And when he loses, which is all the time, he takes his ball and goes home. What a wuss. For God’s sake, the only time Donald ever looked like he knew his ass from a hole in the ground was when he had that stupid TV show–– and let’s face, that thing was nothing but bullshit.”

Fred Trump said he had to end our conversation.

“These long-distance charges are killing me,” he said, hanging up.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

While Jared and Ivanka are “all in” on Team Trump, they are making plans should Joe Biden, Hugo Chavez, Brian Kemp, and The Harlem Globetrotters cheat Donald J. Trump out of his second term (which he won in a landslide!).

Today the couple affectionately known as Javanka announced plans for a major entrepreneurial gambit, the world’s first retail chain of luxury live bait stores.

“We’re calling it La Maison de Live Bait,” a breathless Ivanka Trump told The Lint Screen, as she tossed her glorious locks to one side of her gorgeous face. “It’s an exciting blockbuster idea we can’t wait to get off the ground.”

“We’ve been noodling this concept for a long, long time,” Jared Kushner said as he flossed his teeth. “There has never been a dedicated chain of live bait stores in the United States, so there’s obviously pent-up demand in this fertile white space.”

Ivanka gives her man a healthy dose of her loving goo-goo eyes and continues.

“Of course, we’ll be opening in all major cities,” she said. “Even the Democrat socialist ones.”

“And,” Jared smiles, “we’ll also be opening in some rather unexpected places–– like the Mohave Desert and the Badlands of South Dakota. There are real white space opportunities there, and we plan to capitalize on them.”

Ivanka gazes dreamily at her handsome husband and coos.

“We are planning to open big with over 3,000 retail stores,” she says, blowing kisses to her hubby.

“And our store prototype is 12,000 square feet,” Jared says. “A superstore for your live bait needs.”

Ivanka begins go-go dancing with reckless abandon.

“Every store has luxurious surroundings,” she says, shimmy-shimmy-sashaying her way across the floor. “Live bait will be displayed in glass cases illuminated by jeweler lights.”

“We’ll have original artwork by masters, plush carpeting, a brandy, and fine liquor bar,” Jared says. “Of course, there will be a barista at a La Marzocco Linea Mini Espresso Machine, and Fendi Casa furnishings throughout. We want it to be a comfortable, unparalleled live bait shopping experience. And retail personnel will be dressed in formal wear. We want to project professionalism at the highest level.”

When asked why the enterprise would not carry the internationally recognized and respected TRUMP brand, Ivanka quickly replied.

“We don’t want to be associated with a loser,” she snapped as she tossed her head from side to side.

Be on the lookout for the La Maison de Live Bait luxury store opening soon near you. And good luck at the ol’ fishin’ pond!

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Donald J. Trump has one again shatters presidential norms!

Every U.S. president since George H.W. Bush has issued a presidential pardon to a Tom Turkey in honor of Thanksgiving (but their gooses were cooked when Christmas came and their heads hit the chopping block).

Not so with President Trump.

The loser of his re-election bid was prepared to make his turkey pardon when a miracle happened–– the president cupped his hand to his ear and said, “What’s that Tom? Say it again? Oh, you want to pardon ME of all past crimes, present crimes, and future crimes. And pardon all my family members and loyal friends. Are you sure? You are—an absolute 100% ironclad pardon. Okay, then, I’ll sign an executive order pardoning myself and the people I like. Thanks, Tom Turkey, you’re a tremendous judge of character.”

Trump’s attorney Rudy Giuliani spoke to The Lint Screen following the ceremony.

“It was a miracle,” Rudy said. “God made that turkey talk, and he absolved President Trump of any criminal behavior.” Giuliani began mopping his brow and continued his foolish gibberish. “A talking turkey pardon is admissible in any court of law. Johnny Law can’t touch the president or anyone he gives pardon protection to. They’ve got what we in the legal trade call turkey protection. That carries more weight than a Papal dispensation.”

Trump later said the turkey told him the election was rigged, and he won the presidency with a thorough thrashing of Joe Biden.

“There you have it,” Rudy said, wiping brown streaks from his face. “Trump has won a second term. I knew I’d win this case. I am a great lawyer!”

Rudy Giuliani danced a celebratory jig.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Rudy Giuliani may have made his bones as the Mayor of New York City, but he will be best remembered for his heroic efforts to save democracy by ensuring President Donald J. Trump receives justice in the presidential election in which he was cheated.

The following is the transcript of a recent trial in Pennsylvania as Atty. Giuliani presented his case on behalf of the president.

BAILIFF: All rise.

RUDY: Do we stand now? Is that what you want? You want us to stand?

(JUDGE WILLIAM CLYBORNE ENTERS, SEES RUDY, SHAKES HIS HEAD, CHOKES BACK VOMIT, AND SPEAKS)

JUDGE: Be seated.

CLERK: Case number 436-907-44-B, Donald J. Trump versus The Commonwealth of Pennsylvania.

RUDY: Is that us? Are we on?

JUDGE: Mr. Giuliani, am I to assume you are representing the plaintiff in this case?

RUDY: Yes, your honor. I like plantains. Like them a lot. Very tasty

JUDGE: (SIGHS) Not plantains, Mr. Giuliani. Plaintiff–– are you the one who brought this case before the court?

RUDY: Yes, your Honor. I come here today, seeking justice. It’s outrageous that President Trump was cheated out of his rightful re-election campaign by the dirty tricks and awful, horrendous, criminal cheating by that no-goodnik socialist Joe Biden and––”

JUDGE: Save your arguments, Mr. Giuliani, until we review your case.

RUDY: But your Honor…

JUDGE: Mr. Giuliani, I have reviewed the complaint you filed. Upon opening the envelope, I found nothing more than shredded newspaper, a rotted apple core, and a gold wedding band.

RUDY: You found it! Thank God, so that’s where my wedding band went…

JUDGE: None of the contents in the envelope constitute a legal complaint.

RUDY: Your Honor, the shredded newspaper represents the way Joe Biden shredded the Constitution in denying my client, President Donald J. Trump, the second term in office he so rightly deserves. He has made America great again and––”

JUDGE: Do you have any evidence of election malfeasance, Mr. Giuliani?

RUDY: I’m glad you asked, your Honor. Yes. Yes, I do. An airtight, bulletproof case. Rock-solid evidence. (GUILIANI TAKES A DRAMATIC PAUSE) I heard the Biden people had machetes, machine guns, and nuclear weapons and would not allow poll watchers to watch as they counted the ballots and––

JUDGE: You heard?

RUDY: Yes. From many people. Not only that, I heard they took ballots cast for Trump, put them in a big pile, and had a huge bonfire. And they read Chairman Mao’s red book of Communism by the firelight because they want to destroy America and––

JUDGE: Do you have any proof of these claims?

RUDY: These are reputable sources, your Honor. From good people who wouldn’t lie.

JUDGE Have they signed affidavits supporting their testimony?

RUDY: They’re not writers, your Honor. There were also angry Antifa crowds who intimidated Trump voters. They were helped by gangs of rapists who came up from Mexico in a caravan, a caravan! Very bad hombres, your Honor, and––

JUDGE: Have they signed affidavits?

RUDY: Well, no, your Honor. But trust me, they’re good, honest people. Patriotic and God-fearing red, white, and blue Americans intimidated by the Satanist army of pedophile cannibals who are the Democrat Party.

JUDGE: Mr. Giuliani, do you have one shred of evidence to support any of your claims, support your case?

RUDY: I found Hunter Biden’s computer, your Honor. He used his laptop to hack the election system and cast over seventy million illegal votes for his father and––

JUDGE: Proof, Mr. Giuliani, do you have any legal proof?

RUDY: I’m not one for paperwork, your Honor. But I know in my gut what happened. President Trump knows what happened. You know what happened. Everyone knows what––”

(THE JUDGE BANGS HIS GAVEL)

JUDGE: I am dismissing this case as frivolous, ridiculous, a total time suck, and an embarrassment to our legal system.

RUDY: But, your Honor, my client was cheated out of––

JUDGE: Bailiff, please shoot Mr. Giuliani, and put us all out of our misery.

(THE BAILIFF REMOVES HIS SERVICE WEAPON AS RUDY RUNS OUT OF THE COURTROOM, MAKING THREE STOOGES YELPING SOUNDS)

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Melania Trump is excited she’ll be moving soon.

“Donald got his butt kicked in the election,” she told The Lint Screen. “Sleepy Joe beat him by five million votes. Five million! But baby Donald has been yelling and screaming, ‘I won, I won!’ He is so angry he had the Secret Service go to an animal shelter and bring him a dog, and they held the dog so Donald could kick it. What kind of man does that? He hasn’t been this mad since he lost his Diet Coke sippy cup.”

The First Lady smiles. “It’s fun to see little baby crying and screaming.”

Melania said the president’s adult children make matters worse.

“Ivanka, Don Jr., Eric, they are weak and tell him he was cheated out of the election,” she says, lighting a Marlboro cigarette. “They make matters worse, blowing smoke up his Donald’s butt. It is the same thing with Republicans like Mitch McConnell, Lindsey Graham, and all the other ass-kissers. And the worst is the Fox News crew–– stupid Sean Hannity and that Tucker Carlson jerk, and all the rest–– they lie and feed his huge fat ego. Donald lost. Everyone knows it. He’s such a big loser. But everyone joins him in his pity party. These people are insane.”

She exhales a fog of smoke and continues.

“I got tired of hearing him screaming and crying, so I told him, “Donald, you should do like I always say and ‘Be best.’ Do you know what he did? He threw chicken bones at me and said, ‘Get out! I hate you. I hate you–– I won!’ He’s so funny when he’s mad like that. I laughed very hard. He probably Tweeted to feel better.”

Mrs. Trump is looking forward to moving out.

“The White House looks pretty on outside,” she says, “But it’s a dump inside. It’s like Donald with his fake teeth, make-up, and silly wig.”

Melania has never liked The White House interior.

“Everything is very old in there,” she says. “They say it is historic. I say it is crap. I wanted to throw out old furniture and paintings of old presidents, paint the interior gold, get new furniture, put in a disco with a mirror wall, lighted dance floor, and a mirror ball. They tell me I cannot do that. They say we have to preserve history. Who cares? History is old. I like new.”

The First Lady tosses her cigarette butt on the carpet and snuffs it out with the bottom of her Manolo Blahnik pump.

“This place is a hellhole,” she says. “I can’t wait to get out, get my divorce from Donald, get my payout, and get on with my life. I am tired of playing the happy wife. I will take my money and run. I earned it being with him. I am tired of babysitting Donald. He is a spoiled brat. Everything is about pleasing him and his stupid ego. Donald is a pathetic man. A hateful human. So sad.”

She lights another cigarette.

“Donald makes me feel cheap,” she says exhaling a plume of smoke. “And I am very high class.”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

The Trump family sticks together like stink on a skunk.

Today Eric Trump called The Lint Screen with new wild claims about the 2020 presidential election.

“Dad won in a landslide,” the least-liked-by-his-father Trump son said. “The Democrats robbed him blind, and we want justice.”

Eric excused himself to make a PB&J sandwich because he said he was hungry. When he returned, he told his tale.

“The Dems cheated,” he said, smacking his lips. “There’s a guy who says Biden people broke into post offices all over America in the middle of the night and steamed open election ballots. If they saw it was a vote for Donald J. Trump, they fed the ballots into paper shredders. They destroyed over 50 million ballots for Dad! That’s not right. Bill Barr is looking into this.”

Asked to identify the ‘guy’ who witnessed this, Eric became agitated.

“It doesn’t matter who he is, buttinski,” he said. “It was a guy. He saw it. Okay? Case closed, Dad won by a huge landslide.”

The president’s son said he had “to pee” and scampered off to “my little boys’ room.” This reporter did a crossword puzzled and waited. When he returned, he had more stories of voting fraud.

“There’s another witness, a woman,” Eric said “she saw Biden people abducting Trump supporters before they had a chance to vote. She said the dirty Dems had tranquilizer guns, and they’d shoot Trumpers, load them into big buses, and drive them to a secret enormous warehouse. Then they’d make our MAGA members fill out fake ballots for Biden. It was an illegal operation to rob Dad of votes and make-up millions of fake votes for Biden.”

Asked if the woman would speak on the record, boy Trump became outraged.

“Why would she make up a story like that?” Eric screamed. “She’s a patriotic citizen who’s trying to protect democracy! Do you have to be suspicious of everyone? You lamestream media are always trying to rob Dad of his second term. He won fair and square, but you won’t admit it. You guys can’t admit Dad made the pandemic disappear and saved millions of American lives. You can’t stand what a great leader Dad is.“

The Trump son heard music outside.

“The ice cream truck, the ice cream truck!” he screamed, overjoyed. “This interview’s over.”

He hung up. We have the exclusive story.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s entertaining debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus” ––  a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You are one click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.