The Lint Screen

Author: PD Scullin

  • Bolton Unloads Tons of Dirt On Trump

    The wily mustached man kept a close eye on the president at all times.

    John Bolton will go down in history as one of the bravest patriots ever. The former national security advisor sat down with The Lint Screen and discussed his upcoming book, “DONALD TRUMP IS A HUMAN TURD!” The conversation follows.

    TLS: Does your book paint a flattering view of President Trump?

    JB: Hell no. I thought my title made that pretty evident.

    TLS: So the title’s not ironic?

    JB: No. Donald Trump is perhaps the dumbest, cruelest, and worst human being who ever slithered across Earth.

    TLS: Did you respect him?

    JB: God, no! Trump thought China was named after ‘the fancy dinner plates.’ He watched Gone With The Wind and was surprised when the Union army won the war. He didn’t know Putin was Russian. And he thought Thomas Edison was a president, for Chrissakes.

    TLS: Edison wasn’t president?

    JB: No. Neither was Otis the drunk from The Andy Griffith Show.

    TLS: Everyone knows that. What surprised you most about Trump?

    JB: The fact that a blithering idiot like that got elected to the world’s most powerful office.

    TLS: Did Trump do things that disturbed you?

    JB: Every day. One day, he tried to sell the Statue of Liberty back to France for $100 million. Macron thought he was joking, but Trump wasn’t. The president wanted to make a big, historic deal, and he thought it would make a good photo op. Our way of saying, ‘Stay away, immigrants.’

    TLS: The picture would have been epic.

    JB: It would have been a disgrace. Trump also wanted to sell our nuclear codes to China in return for some magic beans that President Xi said could grow money trees. And Trump almost fell for it. Thank God the generals talked some sense into him.

    TLS: I’d like to get some of those beans. Money trees sound great.

    JB: Xi was lying. There are no magic beans or money trees, you moron.

    TLS: Please, sir, let’s be professional. If you didn’t respect the president, why did you work for him so long?

    JB: I stayed because I love my country. I was protecting Americans from him. The man is not fit for the office. Look at how he’s botched the pandemic. Obama left him a pandemic plan for Chrissakes, and he threw it in the trash. He said, ‘Science is for losers, and Obama was an alarmist.’

    TLS: Then Trump fired you, like a dog. Just like he used to do on his TV show. He was such a powerful, strong businessman on TV.

    JB: He fired me because I was trying to talk reason to an ignorant madman. It was the happiest day of my life when I left the White House. I went home with the sixteen million pages of notes I’d taken, and I started writing my tell-all book.

    TLS: Why didn’t you testify in the impeachment hearings?

    JB: I had a doctor’s appointment or was running errands or something. I don’t remember, but I was busy.

    TLS: But now you’re singing like a bird in your upcoming book.

    JB: That’s right. And it’s a corker. A real page-turner. Readers will wonder how the hell we survived this long with that dangerous idiot in the Oval Office. The man’s a ticking time bomb.

    TLS: Couldn’t you have rearranged your schedule to testify in the impeachment hearings and tell those stories when it could have done some good? Maybe the GOP Senators would have impeached him.

    JB: That’s a laugh–– the GOP Senators are the biggest bunch of weak-kneed spineless ass-kissers I’ve ever seen. And do you know anything at all about publishing? You don’t give away stories for free when you can get $32.50 a book. Do you have any idea about the kind of royalties I’ll make? I’m a capitalist, not a patriot.

    TLS: Do you think Trump deserves to be re-elected?

    JB: I just told you the man is a complete disaster. Are you even listening? This interview’s over, I’ve got to do a remote with Channel 5 in Biloxi.

    And with that, the mustached hero marched out of the room leaving this reporter to Google Thomas Edison.

    Apparently it’s true–– Edison wasn’t a president.

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    Enjoy PD Scullin’s entertaining debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus” ––  a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You are one click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

  • McEnany Warns Americans “They Better Get In Line”

    White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany gives our country the 411.

    Although America’s sweetheart Kayleigh McEnany has only been on the job since February, she knows President Donald Trump well.

    “I have always been a big fan of his,” she says as she flashes a smile that makes even Crest Extra White Toothpaste envious. “President Trump is just a great, great, fabulous, wonderful man. And if Americans don’t wake up, there’s going to be trouble. They better get in line. Fast.”

    She tells The Lint Screen she has the Big Guy’s full trust.

    “The president is horribly misunderstood,” she says as she looks in the mirror and applies mascara.

    “He’s doing an incredible job and gets upset because people aren’t thanking him for the tremendous work he’s doing. If he hadn’t taken decisive action and shut down flights from China earlier this year, I’ll bet over 100,000 people would have died from COVID-19, and we would probably have a couple of million cases. But thanks to him, we averted disaster. You’re welcome, America!”

    Kayleigh takes a pair of solid-gold tweezers from her Prado bag and looks in the mirror as she plucks a few rogue eyebrow hairs.

    “I don’t think enough citizens appreciate the fact that the president is giving up billions of dollars a year to serve his people.” She finishes plucking and pulls a compact from her bag and begins applying blush.

    “President Trump is doing our country a huge favor, and it’s costing him a fortune. Literally. And as an added bonus, he brought along the brain trust of Ivanka and Jared to help lead the nation out of the carnage we experienced at the demonic hands of Obama.”

    She returns her compact in the Prado, taking out a tube of Sisley Hydrating Long Lasting Lipstick. As she carefully applies it, she stops and speaks.

    “I’d hate for people to get hurt needlessly,” she says. “But if they don’t shape up pretty quick and start thanking him for the great job he’s doing, the president is going to have to use the military, National Guard, and the police to dominate the streets and start encouraging some appreciation. He won’t suffer ingrates. That’s insulting to a man who is far greater than Abraham Lincoln.”

    She puckers and dabs her lush kisser with a tissue.

    “It’s like the First Lady said,” Kayleigh says. “‘Be best.’ And Americans had better ‘Be Best’ if they know what’s good for them.”

    She spritzes some Chanel Chance Eau de Parfum on her alabaster skin, returns the bottle to her bag, and snaps it shut.

    “I’ve got to go see The Chief and get the 100% truth. You can’t trust the fake news media, but I’ll set them straight.”

    She exits the room, leaving an intoxicating scent in her wake.

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    Enjoy PD Scullin’s entertaining debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus” ––  a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You are one click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

  • SMALL TOWN POLICE DEPT GETS NUCLEAR WARHEADS

    SMALL TOWN POLICE DEPT GETS NUCLEAR WARHEADS

    Shoplifters had better watch themselves, the cops are getting some extra firepower.

    West Middlesex, Pennsylvania, had a population of 863 people in the last census. Still, this small community on the PA-Ohio border is making a significant mark on the map as the first American town to get an arsenal of nuclear warheads.

    “We need the extra firepower,” a local police officer who asked to remain anonymous told The Lint Screen. (Hint: his initials are R.F., and he drives a blue 2012 Mailbu and lives on Center Street in a white house with dark green shutters).

    The cop took off his hat and placed his right hand over his eyes. He began speaking in a high-pitched voice as he repeatedly hit his adam’s apple with his left hand to disguise his voice.

    “You never know what’s going to happen,” the mysterious man said. “Criminal elements could kick up some big trouble. I hear this Antifa is a problem in lots of places. Or, we could get an invasion from the Buckeye State next door. You don’t know what those crazy bastards over there could do once the Ohio State football season starts.”

    The nuclear warheads are part of The Pentagon’s Excess Property Program that has supplied local police departments across the U.S. with more than $44.3 billion in military gear since 1997.

    “Cops getting all this fancy war equipment is great,” said the unnamed officer. “Since we’ve gotten the Humvees, bazookas, and rocket launchers, shoplifting here has dropped over 80%. We still haven’t been able to catch ‘Stretch’ Kolirew red-handed, but when we do, he better watch his back because when we get done with him, it might just end up in West Virginia.”

    The mystery cop laughs. “It’s like the Boy Scouts say, ‘be prepared.’ But I’ll just bet you those scouts would like a flamethrower or tank to back up those words.”

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    Enjoy PD Scullin’s entertaining debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus” ––  a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You are one click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

  • God Tells Trump To Go To Hell

    God Tells Trump To Go To Hell

    The Lord God Almighty has had enough of ‘The Donald.’

    Almighty God doesn’t usually give interviews. He lets his actions and “natural disasters” speak. But last night, He reached out to The Lint Screen in an exclusive interview.

    “I’m a pretty mellow Guy,” God said. “But I’ve had My fill of that horse’s ass Donald Trump. What kind of sadistic bastard orders cops and troops to shoot rubber bullets, tear gas, and explosive caps on his own citizens who are peacefully protesting? And why? So he can march across the street and hold My Good Book upside down for a photo op. Disgraceful. He’s never read any book, let alone The Good Book. What a joke.”

    One could easily hear the disappointment in the Creator’s booming baritone voice.”Only an idiot would buy Trump’s religious act,” God said. “The man doesn’t have a shred of moral fiber. He has no character. He never has. The guy’s a two-bit con man through and through. The prick’s an adulterer, liar, cheat, and crook. His behavior says it all–– Trump has anti-social personality disorders and extreme narcissism. Him a Christian–– what a crock. He lusts after his daughter! What a blasphemer.”

    The Supreme Being sighs in disgust.

    “It sickens Me that he tries to wrap himself in My cloak of divinity. Trump only cares about himself. Look at what I gave him–– he was born with a gold spoon in his mouth, he was rounding third base at birth. And what’s he do? Screws up everything he touches and blows his daddy’s fortune because of his boneheaded mismanagement. Donald Trump’s a selfish, spoiled rotten brat. Look, a pretty merciful Guy, but he can go to hell for all I care. Leave Me out of this. I want no part of that asswipe.”

    God excuses himself.

    “Sorry, but I gotta run. We’re re-watching The Sopranos. I love that show.” God chuckles. “Trump makes Tony look like a level-headed guy. Later.”

    And with that, the clouds came back together blocking the glaring sun, the heavenly call is done.

    ———————————————————————————————-

    Enjoy PD Scullin’s entertaining debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus” ––  a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You are one click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

  • Jared Put in Charge of Race Relations in America

    Jared Put in Charge of Race Relations in America

    President Trump’s personal “Mr. Fix It” is charged with solving the U.S. race problem.

    Donald Trump is disturbed by some of the images he has seen on cable news.

    “It looks like some people are upset,” the president, sequestered in his fortified bunker deep beneath the White House, told The Lint Screen. “I don’t know how anyone could be unhappy. I’ve been doing a great job on the pandemic, and I signed a bunch of $1200 checks to bail people out. You would think everyone would be thanking me–– but I guess there’s no pleasing some people.”

    Despite all he has done in making America great again, he has seen the news reports of people protesting and rioting all across his country.

    “I don’t get it,” he says with a shrug. “They say some people think there’s a problem with cops busting black people. I’ve told the police it’s okay to rough up criminals, got to teach them a lesson. But maybe a bad apple or two in the police department have spoiled it for everyone else. Whatever it is, these protesters seem pretty upset about something, so I’m going to fix it.“

    True to his word, the president has charged his son-in-law Jared Kushner with solving race relations in America.

    “Jared’s an incredible guy,” the prez boasted. “He was smart enough to marry my gorgeous daughter, he beat me to the punch on that,” the portly man says with a chuckle and wink. “And Jared brought peace to the Middle East; no one thought it could be done. He made opioid addiction in the U.S. disappear, he’s been a pandemic all-star, and has always done a tremendous job with everything. I call him my personal ‘Mr. Fix It’ because that’s what he does–– fixes issues. Here he comes now.”

    The lanky young man enters the bunker dressed in a $4,000 Dolce and Gabbana tailored suit and a $250 Gucci tie. He moves like a marionette as he approaches and sits with us to talk about his plan to settle the country.

    “I think I understand where my black brothers and sisters are coming from,” he says with a nervous smile. “They do not feel as if they are getting a fair shake with the fuzz. I can dig that, man,” he says, as he gives a thumbs-up sign. “I will call a black leader and ask him to, ‘Chill, dude. It’ll all be cool, my man. Word.’ And that should settle things down quickly.”

    This reporter asked why he doesn’t just go out into the streets and talk directly with protest leaders, and Kushner bristles.

    “I’ve got a lot on my plate,” he says. “I think a phone call will do the trick.” His father-in-law nudges him.

    “And, Jared, don’t forget to tell the blacks to vote Trump in November,” the prez says. “What have they got to lose?”

    That MAGA train keeps on a-rollin’!

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    Enjoy PD Scullin’s entertaining debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus” ––  a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You are one click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

  • Trump Fires Medical Science, Will Rely On “My Brain And Gut To Keep Americans Healthy”

    Trump Fires Medical Science, Will Rely On “My Brain And Gut To Keep Americans Healthy”

    The Stable Genius will use his noodle to keep Americans healthy.

    President Trump loves America, and he is disappointed medical science has failed its citizens.

    “All these so-called experts are big phonies,” Trump told The Lint Screen. “I listened to Dr. Fauci and all his stupid eggheads. And what happened? Now we have over 100,000 Americans dead. Well, that’s on them, not me. Obama, too. I accept no responsibility for their mistakes.”

    The president has decided to take a new tack in the war on “the pandemic hoax”–– to rely on what has performed miracles in the past–– himself!

    “I have been an incredibly successful businessman,” he crowed. “All my life, I’ve had the Midas touch. I’m worth over $140 billion. I had the best ratings in TV history on The Apprentice. No one has ever seen the kind of numbers I got. Viewers loved me.”

    And he rode his juggernaut of fame all the way into 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

    “No one thought I could win the presidency, but I had over 94% of the popular vote, and I got 1,000 electoral college votes.” He beams with pride. “No one’s ever seen such a huge landslide. No wonder I had the largest inauguration crowd ever. It made Obama’s look like a Tupperware party.”

    His eyes glaze as the portly president fondly recalls his past accomplishments, then, he snaps to attention.

    “And how did I do all those amazing things?” he asks. “I’ll tell you. My brain and gut. And that’s what I’m going to use to keep Americans healthy.”

    He announced he will ignore all medical science. “We tried that, and it was a disaster. Horrible. From now on, I’m going to use my massive brain and great gut instinct.”

    Mike Pence nods his head in agreement.

    “Great idea, boss–– I mean, your excellency,” the veep chirps, as he drops to his knees and begins tongue lashing Trump’s wingtips.

    “Not now, Mike.” Trump gives Pence a hard kick in his skull. The milquetoast man yelps as he scampers out the door. Trump continues.

    “I want all Americans to know I am going to fight for them,” Trump says. “I’ve talked to Franklin Graham, Mike Huckabee, and a lot of the other Jesus kook Bible thumpers, and they’re going to say a bunch of prayers for the pandemic to go away. And I’m confident it will. The coronavirus will miraculously disappear, just like I predicted.”

    Trump pumps his chest out as his belly oozes over his belt.

    “My brains and gut,” the morbidly obese man says as he points to his head and stomach. “That’s what’s going to save America.”

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    Enjoy PD Scullin’s entertaining debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus” ––  a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You are one click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.