Author: PD Scullin

This Memorial Day weekend, as COVID-19 ravages America, and people remember fallen heroes and those who bravely fought for our freedom, President Donald J. Trump grappled with his troubles–– the one that might have been.

Trump, who made America great again and has been its great protector during the global pandemic, took a well-earned break and visited his golf club in Sterling, Virginia.

“The fake news didn’t like it,” Trump told The Lint Screen. “But I’ve been working overtime for months. I have blisters on both my thumbs from Tweeting, and I swear I’m getting carpal tunnel from working the TV remote. No president has ever worked harder than me. None!”

So, the commander-in-chief played golf to recharge his batteries and experienced the kind of unimaginable heartbreak few Americans will ever know. 

“I was teeing up on the 14th,” he recalls. “It’s a beautiful hole. It might be the greatest, toughest hole in golf. It’s 142-yards into the wind. I grabbed my 7-iron, took a nice easy swing, and launched a missile right at the flag. The ball hit five yards short, took a big bounce, hit the flagstick and landed eight feet from the cup. I almost had a hole-in-one–– would have been my second one. I don’t think Washington or Lincoln had any holes-in-one. They were lousy golfers. Horrible presidents.”

Tears began welling in his steely blues as he recalls with agony the fleeting memory of what might have been.

“I was so close,” he says with his hands almost touching each other. “It chokes me up even thinking about it. I’ll never forget the tremendous heartbreak of that shot. It was absolutely devastating.”

Trump takes a deep inhale and shakes it off, coming back to his usual chipper self.

“But I guess that’s what Memorial Day is all about, right? Great memories. That incredible shot of mine is a memory that will stay with me for a long, long time. I was so close.”

Trump shrugs. “I gave myself a hole-in-one anyway. I think that’s what the golf gods would have wanted. I played a pretty great round. Shot my age–– 52. Not bad.”

He winks and wobbles away.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s entertaining debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus” ––  a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You are one click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

President Donald Trump has been called The Chosen One, and like Moses returning from Mount Sinai with the Ten Commandments, he has decreed it is time his people return to places of worship.

“We can’t allow this pandemic cause us to lose our faith,” Trump told The Lint Screen. “All Americans must return to their churches, synagogues, and other religious places, and pray for me.”

He nods his head to Jared Kushner, standing by the light switch. The Boy Wonder dims the lights as Stephen Miller, standing on a high ladder, trains a spotlight on the president. He hits him with a high beam as Trump raises his arms to heaven, lifts his head, and speaks.

“Oh, dear Father, hear thy Chosen One,” he says reverently. “For the fake news has been very rude to your humble servant. They ask him nasty questions. Some reporters are women. Very nasty women. They are non-believers, people of little faith who fact check me. They do not believe my sacred word. Very unfair. The Democrats work with the Chinese and develop a coronavirus; they release it unto the world. And the fake news blames me. Smite them, I say. Smite them all to hell! The media should blame the governors–– it’s their responsibility, not mine. I have done a great job. A perfect job. Everyone says so.”

Kushner turns the lights back on as Stephen Miller transforms into a bat and flutters away. Trump lowers his arms and head, takes a deep inhale, and resumes as a mere mortal, not a divine entity.

“I want my people to gather in my name this weekend,” he says. “I want places of worship packed to the rafters. And I demand all Americans worship me and pray hard for my re-election. For if my flock loses me, they will be lost, wandering the desert until Satan and Hillary take their souls.”

The Chosen One is asked about the dangers of his worshippers not practicing social distancing in church. Trump bristles.

“If some people get the virus and die, that’s on God, not me. Blame Him.”

Trump raises his arms again and looks upward.

“Oh, heavenly Father, bestow upon me a bucket of KFC, large mashed potatoes, extra gravy, and a bundt cake!”

He goes to his desk and waits for his manna from heaven.

“Proclaiming gets me hungry,” he says.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s entertaining debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus” ––  a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You are one click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Donald J. Trump has always been known as a genteel gentleman, a mild-mannered man of principle, and the utmost integrity–– but now the gloves are off–– it’s no more mister nice guy!

The president spoke with The Lint Screen today and unveiled some of the dark secrets he has uncovered in a scandal he has called OBAMAGATE!

“Obama was the worst president ever,” Trump claimed with his arms crossed. “And what he did to me should never happen again. It was awful. He had squirrels spying me. I saw them in the Oval Office window, squirrels with big bushy tails–– they were obviously transmitters. They’d chase me all the time, trying to hear what I was saying. Reading my lips, reading my mind. Stealing my secrets. These snooping squirrels were trained by the deep state. Those people out to get me. The deep state is a bunch of bad people. Very bad people.”

But OBAMAGATE doesn’t stop with cagey rodents. The big man hugged himself tighter and continued.

“Obama also had an army of invisible people spying on me and my family. Melania said she can feel someone watching her while she takes a bubble bath. And not just me watching through the peephole, someone else. Eric said he felt a chill one night when he hung upside down. And Don Jr. is sure someone was in the room when he played with himself on inauguration day. I always have the sensation invisible people are watching my every move. They’re very tall. Invisible giants. I don’t see them, but I know they’re there. Watching, watching, watching––I’m on to you, Obama!”

Trump drops to the ground, and curls into a ball, wrapping his arms around his knees and rocking back and forth.

“Obama started the pandemic. He wanted to crash the beautiful economy I built after he left the country in shambles. It was horrible how he ran the economy into the ground. So he started a pandemic to get back at me. I’m taking hydroxychloroquine to protect America. Great stuff, hydroxychloroquine. I get the gummy pills. Tastes like oranges!”

The president looks up like a frightened child, his eyes bulging like Marty Feldman. He continues his rant.

“He’s jealous of me,” Trump says. “Obama can’t stand that I made America great again and everyone says I’m the very best president ever–– much better than Lincoln, horribly overrated–– and my people love me so much they want to put my picture on all the money, every bill of the currency and they worship me bigly because I am the chosen one… the chosen one… the chosen one… the evangelicals say so… and that drives Obama crazy and that’s why he has planted a chip in my head that talks in the voice of Christopher Walken and recites nursery rhymes all day and night and I know Mary had a little lamb, I know, I know, and its fleece was white as snow, and everywhere Mary went…”

He curls tighter into his human-ball and rolls away mumbling to himself.

OBAMAGATE appears to be working well.

———————————————————————————————-

Enjoy PD Scullin’s entertaining debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus” ––  a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You are one click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

———————————————————————————————-

Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus”, a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Atty. General William Barr knows his justice, and he also knows which cheek of the president’s ample ass is buttered.

Today, Barr declared a new law he’s written “offering complete immunity from American laws to friends, family, and associates of Donald J. Trump.”

“The president can’t be bothered by all the stupid laws on the books,” Barr told The Lint Screen as he kissed an 8″ x 10″ glossy of Donald Trump.”Those laws are for commoners. And there are so many damn laws! He is a very busy man, and by the powers of associative mathematics, the same liberation from restrictions now applies to whomever the president wishes. His friends, family, and associates all those people who help him do the tremendous and fantastic job he is doing. They all need their liberty to support the chosen one to do his job.”

To that end, Paul Manafort, Michael Flynn, and Roger Stone are looking at freedom after getting busted for being lowlife turds of humanity.

“The president is even thinking about awarding these patriotic heroes Medal of Freedom Awards,” the pudgy legal beagle said as he slobbered over his Trump pic. “It was a travesty of justice they were convicted in the first place.”

Barr becomes agitated as he recounts the Mueller investigation.

“It was like the president said, the thing was a witch hunt against our glorious leader. I’m going to see to it that everyone involved in it goes to the dungeons.” Barr smiles. “Did I mention we’re building dungeons for enemies of the president? We’ll extract our justice and see how smart these buttinskis are when we torture them, boil their feet in oil, or crack a cat of nine tails over their supple, muscular backs before dousing them with vinegar and lemon juice.”

The rotund little ambulance-chaser smiles. “Any enemy of Donald Trump is an enemy of the state.” He pounds the table. “And that includes you press people. You had better start praising the wonderful job glorious leader is doing on the pandemic, or you’ll be tasting the whip. I want to see you report no cases or deaths from coronavirus in the U.S. thanks to our incredible leader.”

Barr begins licking the picture of the president and rubbing his crotch. He mumbles to himself, “He’s a good man. A great man. My man! And I’m your little cuddle boy toy.”

This reporter backs out of the room and runs like hell.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s entertaining debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus” ––  a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You are one click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Sen. Mitch McConnell is known for being one chill dude (“don’t bogart that blunt, bitch” is his common refrain in Senate chambers), but former President Barack Obama has got his dander up.

“That black guy needs to learn to learn how to shut his pie hole,” McConnell told The Lint Screen. “Or somebody’s going to shut it for him. Namely, this bad hombre.”

The leader of the senate is furious because the ex-prez recently slammed his main man, President Donald J. Trump. Obama claimed Trump mishandled the coronavirus pandemic.

“The president has done an amazing job,” McConnell crowed. “The U.S. is number one in the world for testing. Anyone who wants a test can get a test. Even if you don’t want a test, we’re going to give you one, just because we have so many damn tests! And we didn’t get healthcare workers PPE; we got them something much better–– The Blue Angels flying overhead in honor of them!”

McConnell thrusts a victory fist in the air as his old man arm flab flaps in the wind.

“Thanks to President Trump, we have had very few coronavirus cases and deaths–– almost none. He’s made it possible for us to safely open the country up and get the lazy serfs back where they belong–– working! And they better not start bellyaching for more money or healthcare. Shut up, peons, eat your gruel and get back to work! Don’t make me crack the whip.”

McConnell spits on the ground, gets winded and doubles over, then catches his breath.

“Obama had better watch himself,” Merciless Mitch says as he cracks his knuckles. “I’ve been deadlifting heavy sacks of cash from lobbyists for years. I am one ripped mofo. And if Obama keeps serving his loudmouth soup, I swear I’m going open a can of whoop-ass on his black ass.”

McConnell pops a muscle and collapses on the ground.

“I mean it,” he shouts.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s entertaining debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus” ––  a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You are one click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

If anyone knows how to create drama, it’s President Donald J. Trump. The man who made The Apprentice the most popular TV show in history has decided to shake things up with the cast on The White House Cornanvirus Task Force.

“We’ve had the highest ratings ever,” the president told The Lint Screen. “Incredible ratings. No one’s ever seen ratings like the briefings. That’s because I was the star. People know me, trust me, love me. But I felt like we could do better with the show. Get rid of the boring medical science yawn-squad. Fauci’s got nothing but boring charts and facts about doom and gloom. Who wants to watch that? Not me. So, I got some fresh talent.”

The nation’s ringleader has recruited a mysterious figure known as G. Reaper. “I’m not sure what the ‘G’ stands for–– Gary, Greg, Ted? I don’t know,” Trump said. “But people love mystery, and this guy is spooky–– scary as hell. I feel a chill when he enters the room.”

The president will take over the medical and scientific aspects of the nation’s response to COVID-19. “I know how to find silver linings,” he said. “I’m a cheerleader.” Mike Pence will continue his role complimenting the president on his swift, decisive leadership and painting rosy scenarios about testing success, and G. Reaper will discuss the downer news about casualties.

“I don’t know if he’ll need to say much,” Trump said, “because I think the coronavirus will be going away really soon. It will disappear like a miracle. But, if some people are weak warriors, they’re unpatriotic enough to die, then we’ll let the hooded guy handle the bad news. I’m not getting my hands dirty.”

The big guy said he is also thinking of some other upcoming shows for this fall’s White House schedule to keep viewers watching.

“One idea I have is called President Hottie,” Trump said, smiling. “It stars Ivanka. She’s the first woman president and wears a pinstripe string bikini. Incredible body. And she does a tremendous job presidenting. People love her. I think it’s going to be a smash hit.”

Another idea in the hopper is called MacJared. “It’s kind of like MacGyver, but instead of making stuff to solve problems, people in trouble just call Jared Kushner to fix it. It’s got action, adventure, and rich fat cats feasting on the federal budget. It’ll be big. MacJared.“

Trump beams with satisfaction.

“Stay tuned, America,” he said. “I’ll keep you watching.”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s entertaining debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus” ––  a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You are one click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.