The Lint Screen

Author: PD Scullin

  • “The kid must be executed,” says convicted felon Trump

    “The kid must be executed,” says convicted felon Trump

    Goofball son makes a mockery of Trump’s totally unjust trial.

    Tennessee Rep. John Rose made the obligatory MAGA lemming speech of faux outrage over the prosecution of the convicted felon, twice impeached ex-President Donald J. Trump, as his 6-year-old son Guy made faces behind him. Trump was not amused.

    “This kid needs more than a spanking,” the orange-faced leader of the MAGA cult said. “What the punk did was treason, and the penalty for that is execution. When I take back the Oval Office, the little boy is toast. It’s a disgrace what that little brat did, dishonoring the sacred space where so many proud January 6 patriots protested my getting cheating in the election. I won!!!”

    Trump has been accumulating felony convictions like a black flannel suit attracts lint. Last week, he was found guilty of 34 felony counts by a New York jury of his peers.

    “It was a joke,” the crybaby whined. “Those people on the jury are not my peers. They are scum. Commoners. Peasants. It was a total witch hunt supervised by Joe Biden, the worst president ever. I never slept with that woman, and I never cheated on my taxes. I am an honest man and loyal husband to what’s her name.”

    In May, another New York jury found Trump guilty of sexually assaulting advice columnist E. Jean Carroll in 1996 and awarded her $5 million in damages.

    “I never had sex with that woman,” Trump says again. “That was another witch hunt.”

    The convicted felon slams a fist on the table. “I will get retribution, revenge, and justice,” he yells. “And I’m starting with that damn little kid. I’ll get my Supreme Court to hang his ass out to dry for acting like a damn baby!”

    He storms out of the room, whining under his breath.

    Read PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is Wilder than a Circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. The book is also available as an audiobook. Buckle up and go.

  • “I’m a really good guy,” Alito says. “I married a bad girl.”

    “I’m a really good guy,” Alito says. “I married a bad girl.”

    Supreme Court Justice Alito knows who wears the pants in the family.

    As the controversy rages about flags flying over the residences of Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito, the sanctimonious black-robed man deflects any blame.

    First was the report of an upside-down American flag flying over the Alito home in Alexandria, Virginia, in January 2021, a sign of protest over the election of Joe Biden, showing solidarity for the unproven claims of Donald Trump that the election was stolen.

    “That was all Martha-Ann,” Justice Alito tells The Lint Screen. “The wifey is a bad girl. I can’t control her. But I can control the rights of women’s health, and by God, I will.”

    The upside flag is a symbol of distress and was carried by Trump insurrectionists as they attacked the Capital on January 6, 2021.

    “I’m surprised Martha-Ann wasn’t there,” Alito says, chuckling. “I think she would have loved beating a cop and carrying a Confederate flag. She is one wild child, let me tell you.”

    It was also recently reported the “Appeal to Heaven” flag flew above the Alitos’ beach house in Long Island last year. This flag is associated with the Christian Nationalist movement and the conspiracy theory that the 2020 election was “stolen” from Trump.

    “Good gravy,” Alito says, shrugging. “The old ball and chain has a mind all her own. What can I do? I’m not about to get divorced. That would go against The Holy Mother Church and make Baby Jesus cry. And I must do my sacred job of getting more religion into American lives so we can control people. How else can we protect their freedom?”

    Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas has also come under fire for accepting lavish gifts and his wife Ginni’s involvement with the January 6 attempted coup.

    “Hey, what’re you going to do?” Thomas says with a shrug. “Sam and I married a couple of live wires. We can’t control our little ladies. And, no, neither of us will recuse ourselves from any Donald Trump case. We’re one-hundred percent impartial and on the bench for life––and there ain’t a damn thing anyone can do about it.”

    Alito smiles. “Got that right, Clare-bear,” he says. The men high-five and shout, “Trump 2024!”

    Read PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is Wilder than a Circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. The book is also available as an audiobook. Buckle up and go.

  • Johnson: “Raw dogging a hottie is fine with God”

    Johnson: “Raw dogging a hottie is fine with God”

    Trump’s pathetic bootlicks show support for their criminal would-be dictator.

    Speaker of The House Mike Johnson is a holy roller.

    “The Bible is my worldview,” he tells The Lint Screen. “And anything in The Good Book is good by me.”

    So, you might think it’s hypocritical for Mr. Goody-Two-Shoes to show up at disgraced ex-President Donald Trump’s criminal trial for falsifying business records to cover up his hush money payments to adult film star Stormy Daniels.

    “Raw dogging a hottie is fine with God,” Johnson said. “I believe that verse is from Luke or Mark’s Gospel. I can’t recall which one, but I know it’s somewhere in the new Trump Bible. And sexually assaulting a woman in a department store dressing room is also fine in the eyes of the Lord. God is very forgiving.”

    Johnson and a crew of GOP spineless weasels showed up at the Manhattan courthouse to curry favor with their overlord, who was recently found guilty of sexual abuse in the E. Jean Carroll case.

    “This Stormy Daniels case is preposterous,” Johnson claimed. “It’s a Biden witch hunt, and the real president, President Trump, should be immediately released and sentenced to a life term in the Oval Office.”

    “I agree,” said North Dakota Gov. Doug Burgum. “I need my main man to be free so he can select me as his running mate. I won’t fold like Mike Pence. I will gladly overturn a free and fair election for my master.”

    The half dozen GOP pol bootlicks wore matching suits and red ties.

    “We wanted to look like our hero,” U.S. Rep. Byron Donalds said. “He is the greatest president ever, no doubt about it. And a very sharp dresser!”

    Earlier in the week, Senators Tommy Tuberville, J.D. Vance, and Rick Scott came to pay homage to Trump at his criminal trial.

    “I find what the justice system is doing disgusting,” chucklehead Tuberville said. “It seems that the laws are all against whatever Donald Trump does. It’s getting so that a person can’t even grab a woman by her privates, pay off people with damaging stories, lead an insurrection, or steal top-secret classified documents. Get off the guy’s back already!”

    The members of the Trump cult gathered around the Kool-Aid punchbowl and guzzled.

    Read PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is Wilder than a Circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. The book is also available as an audiobook. Buckle up and go.

  • Cannon: “This case has a lot of legal mumbo jumbo, I need more time”

    Judge Aileen Cannon says she is overwhelmed by all the “legal gibberish” she has to deal with.

    Pity US District Judge Aileen Cannon. She is exasperated by the paperwork involved with the government’s case against disgraced ex-President Donald J. Trump for taking highly classified top-secret files from The White House.

    “It’s a dilly of a pickle,” Judge Cannon tells The Lint Screen. “Jack Smith and his prosecutors have filed a ton of papers jam-packed with legal mumbo jumbo. I need more time to make sense of it all. Some of the words they use have lots of syllables.”

    Cannon says it’s a tremendous amount of work to read legal filings.

    “I don’t know what they expect from me,” she complains. “I’m only a judge. Am I supposed to be some kind of legal expert? I think they’re being very unreasonable. I like watching my stories on TV, not getting a headache wading through Smith’s legal gibberish.”

    The Trump-appointed judge also thinks the government’s case may be an overreach.

    “Bearded boy Smith and his people act like President Trump did something wrong,” she says. “But what if it was just a mistake? Anyone could accidentally take over a hundred top-secret documents. The President Trump I know and love is very ethical and honest. He’d never lie and knows how to keep a secret. He wasn’t the one blabbing about Stormy Daniels––she was!”

    Judge Cannon thinks the media is missing the real tragedy of this case.

    “Look at how President Trump stored the boxes of secret files,” she says. “He had to stack them in a bathroom, backroom, and anywhere any stranger or spy could find them. That’s the real problem here. The solution is to give him a big budget to build a safe storage locker for all his classified files. It’s the least we could do for such an honest patriot.”

    Thanks to her ineptitude, the trial will not happen before the election.

    “Let’s put the past behind us.” “Vote Trump 2024!”

    Read PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is Wilder than a Circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. The book is also available as an audiobook. Buckle up and go.

  • “I had to put down our wild child,” says Noem

    “I had to put down our wild child,” says Noem

     South Dakota GOP Gov. Kristi Noem wants to be Trump’s V.P. candidate.

    First, it was killing a “rambunxious, joyful” puppy, and then a “disgusting, musky, rancid” goat, and now, in her revealing upcoming book,  South Dakota Republican Gov. Kristi Noem confesses to “putting down” her youngest child.

    “Brian was always our wild child,” Noem writes in her book, No Going Back: The Truth on What’s Wrong With Politics and How We Move America Forward. “But as hard as I tried for five long years to get him to obey me, he refused and threw temper tantrums. I was beside myself! This wild child was rowdy and disobedient.”

    The woman with new store-bought shiny white teeth explains more in this exclusive advance copy obtained by The Lint Screen.

    “I warned Brian he’d better straighten up and fly right,” she explains in a gripping book passage. “But that little snot refused to listen to his mother. At first, I sentenced him to a few hours in time-out corner, but he didn’t seem to care. He kept acting childish. So, I put him in a dog cage for a few days, but that only made him more disobedient. I wondered if Cricket had left an evil spirit in the cage. Then Brian willfully drew outside the lines in his coloring book. At that moment, I knew I had to take him to the gravel pit. What else could I do?”

    The gravel pit is where she did her killing. And little Brian didn’t know what he was in for.

    “Do I wish Brian had listened to his Mommy and obeyed? Yes.” she writes. “But if a child doesn’t know proper behavior after five years, what’s a parent supposed to do? I am not an enabler. I’m not a pushover, either. And I’m certainly not afraid to make the tough decisions. That’s what true leaders do! So, I did what I felt I had to, and I wish Brian had learned his lesson before it came to that. We gave him a nice send-off with a little service in the gravel pit.”

    Many believe Noem’s upcoming book was written to prove her qualifications as “a tough person ready to do what’s necessary” to make America right again and please presumptive Republican candidate Donald Trump in his quest to get re-elected. But because of the public outrage at her cruelty, her dream has backfired in MAGA nation.

    “I can’t pick Kristi,” Trump tells The Lint Screen. “Not after she does something so politically stupid. You never, never, never put anything in writing. That’s how they get you. Now, she’s learning a very hard lesson. And her future hope as my V.P. is dead. Dying like a dog.”

    Read PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is Wilder than a Circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. The book is also available as an audiobook. Buckle up and go.

  • Greene Proposes $610 Billion Funding for Russia

    Greene Proposes $610 Billion Funding for Russia

    Rep. Marjorie Taylor-Greene wants revenge against “MAGA Traitors”

    Georgia Rep. Marjorie Taylor-Greene is angry at “Republican turncoats,” and she is out to get them.

    “Mike Johnson, I’m coming for you,” the angry blond tells The Lint Screen. “You and all your MAGA Nation traitor RINO buddies are going to pay for backing the wrong horse in Russia’s righteous and just war against evil Ukraine.”

    Greene was referring to the recent passing of a $60.8 billion aid bill to Ukraine by a bipartisan vote of 311-112. 

    “We had 101 Republican chickens vote with baby blood-drinking Democrats,” she says. “It was disgusting. A terrible betrayal to glorious leader Vladimir Putin and his noble cause of taking his land back from the Nazis who stole it.”

    Because she is so upset by this defection in Trump’s MAGA GOP, Greene has introduced a bill to fund Russia in its war efforts.

    “If we can give Zelenskyy $61 billion, we can certainly give Putin $610 billion!” Greene shouts. “It’s the right thing to do because Russia is ten times more in the right than Ukraine. Then Russia can continue grabbing back the lands that were once part of its grand beautiful empire.”

    Greene shakes her head, disgusted. “I don’t know what’s become of the country,” she whines. “Joe Biden stole the election from President Trump, and now he has his injustice department dragging God’s gift to America into kangaroo courts for a bunch of witch hunts. It’s awful what’s going on.”

    The kooky lady sighs. “I just want what’s best for the country.”

    True. We’re just not sure which country that is.

    Read PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is Wilder than a Circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. The book is also available as an audiobook. Buckle up and go.