PD Scullin

“I’m trying to make America great again,” Trump bellyaches, “and no one appreciates how hard I work. This Epstein hoax is like an obnoxious fly buzzing my head. I’ve given orders that if someone bothers me about it, they are to be shot. They need to pay a price for wasting my time, and it seems like losing their life is a suitable fine.”

“Ryan is a whiz kid,” Trump says. “He knows numbers backwards and forwards, inside and out. He’s smart as a whip. And I’ve had him looking over the latest inflation numbers since I took office and saved the country from the awful depression of Joe Biden’s economy.” Trump nudges his new employee. “Go on, Ryan, tell them what you found.”

Trump recently told his Justice Department to release Ghislaine Maxwell from a Florida prison where she was serving 20 years for sex trafficking underage girls for Epstein. The self-described “law-abiding, very honest” president wants her loved into a luxurious penthouse on Fifth Avenue in Manhattan.

“All I hear is Epstein, Epstein, Epstein,” Trump tells The Lint Screen. “That’s all anyone wants to talk about. But I don’t get it. Brian Epstein died back in the 60s, and The Beatles continued being successful. So why’s everyone got their panties in a knot?”

Amazon billionaire Jeff Bezos purchased Venice, Italy, for the weekend, and staged his grand wedding to Lauren Sanchez on Friday. The bride immediately began making demands of her new husband. “He needs to up his game significantly,” the new Mrs. Bezos tells The Lint Screen. “I’ve spent a fortune on these lips, my cheekbones, breasts, … Read more

I want my face on the flag. It’s too busy–– all those stars and stripes–– that’s not classy. We need a gold flag with my face on it and the word TRUMP! That will tell the world America is great again. I’ll tell Stephen Miller to make it happen. I’ll give him a rat treat. He loves those. The guy will do anything for a disgusting rat.