Author: PD Scullin

Attorney General Bill Barr is a man who believes in justice, and in his opinion, justice is not being served to President Donald J. Trump.

“It’s a disgrace,” Barr said as he walked into the offices of The Lint Screen at high noon with his light lunch of a six-foot Italian sub sandwich and a gallon of Barq’s Root Beer. “The president has done an incredible job with the pandemic, but many Americans aren’t giving him his due. I’m changing that.”

The pudgy legal beagle attacked his sub with extreme prejudice and washed down his massive cud with glugs and gulps of Barq’s.

“It’s my job to enforce justice, and I will do just that on behalf of our wonderful president who I love so much it hurts.” He pauses and appears uncomfortable. “I do love him–– but not in a gay way.”

Between rabid bites of his looooong sammie, Barr explained his plan.

“The president wants all Americans to get off their duffs and be back on the job on May first. That also happens to be Law Day. So I thought, let’s make it a triple header holiday and also declare it President Donald Trump Appreciation Day!“

Barr lets out a forty-second burp that smells of onions, salami, and sassafras. He continues with watery eyes.

“We will be demanding all Americans go into the streets at seven p.m. and begin banging pots and pans, applauding and cheering for our terrific president. It’s outrageous that people in many cities are doing cheers for healthcare workers every night but not for President Trump. Who do they think is keeping them safe by recommending Hydroxychloroquine? You won’t see the signature of medical workers on your $1200 check. You’ll see the president’s John Hancock on your check. Every American should be reciting the Pledge of Allegiance to Trump every morning.”

The A.G. attacks the last eighteen inches of his savory sub dripping olive oil and vinegar and washes it down his gullet with root beer.

“And anyone who does not obey my mandatory decree will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law,” he says, wagging a greasy finger, then licking it clean. “I’ve talked to my crew at the Supreme Court, and they’re on board. If the libs want to fight, it’ll be a five-four defeat.” He chuckles. “Thank God for the Kav-man and Gorchie.”

When asked what the punishment was for disobeying his order to praise Trump, Barr laughed.

“Let’s just say if you don’t do it, you won’t have a country with a fantastic leader to hate anymore.” (Reading between the lines, one assumes the punishment will be deportation.)

Barr wipes his mouth and burps again. “Anyone who insults the president by not praising him will be executed.” He pantomimes, pulling the trigger of a gun.

He pushes his chair back, crumples his napkin, throws it in this reporter’s face, and says, “Take that, fake news!”

The attorney general wobbles out the door, like Penguin in Batman, looking for his next opponent.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s entertaining debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus” ––  a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You are one click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

While the fake news media tries to slam the president for doing a superbly excellent job of leading the nation during a national crisis, the big man wants to get America working again.

“I’m sick of seeing Americans sitting on their asses all day doing nothing,” President Trump told The Lint Screen. “They need to get back to working their two to three minimum-wage jobs and get my economy humming again. I’ve got to get re-elected. Quit milking the system!”

To help in that effort, our Glorious Leader has drafted an all-star crew of big brains to decide when the country reopens for business. And included in that team is a woman–– Ivanka Trump.

“Ivanka is a very beautiful woman–– she’s my hot daughter, that’s what I always tell Tiffany,” Trump said with stars in his eyes. “But Ivanka is more than just a babe. She has been responsible for something like 60-70% of all jobs in America. She’s got a brain, a big brain like her old man, although I’m not old when you consider how much stamina I have. I don’t think any president has had more stamina and energy than I have. Maybe the most energy ever. A lot of people are saying that. I can run circles around Sleepy Joe.”

‘The Hot Daughter’ will be joining her husband Jared ‘The Kushinator’ Kushner, Chief of Staff Mark ‘Mark’ Meadows, U.S. Trade Representative Robert ‘The Goat Humper’ Lighthizer, Treasury Secretary Steven ‘Noochikins’ Mnuchin, Commerce Secretary Wilbur ‘Sweet Breath’ Ross, National Economic Council chairman Larry ‘The Big Kud’ Kudlow, and HUD Secretary Ben ‘Here’s Johnny!’ Carson.

“Ben is black, you know,” Trump said. “Very black. And Ivanka’s a girl–– so I have all the minority bases covered. Let’s see the P.C. police complain about that.”

The goal of this brain trust will be deciding the best time to drop the green flag and get American’s back on the employment track so Trump can get back to re-election campaign rallies for his throngs of adoring kooks and rubes.

“If we go back to a little early, so what?” Trump said. “Some people die. Hey, none of us lives forever, but with my stamina and energy, don’t count me out. I think I could live longer than any president, everyone says so.”

Trump has been very impressed by the tremendous job he’s doing during this pandemic.

“I came up with ‘the invisible enemy’ for coronavirus and now I call it ‘the brilliant enemy’ –– I don’t think there’s ever been a better president at coming up with nicknames than me. I also brought in the My Pillow guy to help. Great guy.”

Trump gets misty-eyed and continues.

“But look at the stats I’ve accumulated for our country. No country has had more testing, coronavirus cases, and casualties. I am putting America first like never before. And, if there is any fault or blame, it’s on the governors, especially the Democratic ones. They don’t love America like I do. I hug flags–– do it all the time–– so that proves it.”

With that, the president donned his signature KEEP AMERICA GREAT hat and danced the Hokey Pokey.

“Those governors have to do what I say,” Trump said. “I am the president, and it’s my country!”

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus”, a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

For weeks, President Donal Trump has been pushing Hydroxychloroquine as an effective drug in the treatment of the COVID-19 coronavirus, to the ashamed eye rolls of Dr. Anthony Fauci, one of those smartypants who believe in “science.”

But like a petulant two-year-old, the president will not be ignored.

He’s mentioned the drug during recent daily press briefings with the catchy slogan, “What do you have to lose?”

But today he shifted his sales strategy to THE TRUMP HARD SELL!!!

“Look, I’m not a doctor, okay?” the huckster in a Chinese-made silk tie said. “But I do have good common sense.” The president began making his Tourette’s Syndrome-like hand gestures. “And I have to tell you, this Hydroxychloroquine is amazing. An incredible drug. Remarkable. Hydro… chlor…o…quine. Funny name. But a great drug. Great drug.”

The president fixes his eyes on his rubes in the audience.

“If you have coronavirus, take Hydroxychloroquine. It’s also good for malaria. Works like gangbusters for rheumatoid arthritis, and lupe-rust. Very nasty disease, lupe-rust. Don’t want a rusted lupe. But that’s not all folks!”

Trump leans forward. He cautiously looks side to side, then confides to his shills in a stage whisper.

“It’s also good for erectile dysfunction.” He raises his eyebrows and leans forward to his stooges.

“Can’t get lead in your pencil? Does your flag only go to half-mast? Can’t charm the ol’ snake? Take Hydroxychloroquine, folks. It’s incredible stuff. Like instant wood. Take it from a guy who knows. You’ll love it. I guarantee it. And you know you can trust me, I’m the president of the country! I would never lie.”

Trump smiles a mouthful of dentures and winks from the slits carved into his pumpkin face.

“Get some Hydroxychloroquine today. The stuff is a wonder drug–– is there anything it can’t do? I don’t think so. I really don’t think so.”

Dr. Fauci began vomiting in the corner of the stage as Mike Pence did his human mannequin.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus”, a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Anyone who says Jared Kushner is a cold-hearted prick who would be nowhere without nepotism, a silver spoon in his mouth, and the stick up his ass doesn’t understand this complex man.

The president’s son-in-law sat down in the offices of The Lint Screen and talked about his management of the federal stockpile of medical equipment.

“We are in a pandemic,” the shiny-faced manchild said. “And we can’t allow that to deplete our federal stockpile. All of these governors–– and let me tell you, there are a LOT of them–– keep asking for medical supplies from us. If we were to send our stockpile to them, where would that leave us? It just doesn’t make any sense.”

Kushner takes umbrage at those who do not understand the reason the United States has a federal stockpile.

“We have warehouses, large warehouses, where we keep all these medical supplies. The boxes are stacked symmetrically. It’s beautiful, like that last shot in Raiders of The Lost Ark. Rows and rows of neat stacks. If we started sending out our stockpile of ventilators, masks, protective clothing, helmets, goggles, and other stuff, it would ruin the clean look we have achieved in the warehouses. States need to get their own damn stockpiles and stop trying to mooch off us.”

Ivanka Trump’s husband gives a confident smile and rubs his hands together greedily.

“I think every American should take great pride in the beauty of our federal stockpile. It’s awe-inspiring. One of the best sights in America. The kind of thing you’ll remember on your deathbed.”

The dimwit, who got into Harvard when his daddy made a $2.5 million gift to the Ivy League mecca, puffs his chest like a macho man and continues.

“The sooner these governors solve this national crisis, the better. They need to handle this pandemic, make it go away so we can restart the economy, and get back to re-electing the greatest president we’ve ever had–– Pop-Pop!“

Editor’s note: Kushner Industries owns the warehouses housing the federal stockpile and charges the government rent of three gazillion dollars a year.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus”, a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

In times of crisis, it’s reassuring to know you have a stable genius at the helm.

Yesterday, President Donald J. Trump eased the nation’s concern during the global pandemic that is ravaging us from coast to coast. He selected his son-in-law Jared Kushner as the point man for the coronavirus crisis.

“Mike Pence is doing a tremendous job,” Trump said. The veep rose from the floor where he had been licking his master’s shoes and gushed…

“Thank you, mister president, for your great leadership and incredible––”

The leader of the free world slapped his stooge aside and continued his announcement.

“But Mike could use some help,” the big man continued. “So I am appointing Jared Kushner to head up the federal response to the needs of states. We have fifty states, most people don’t know that.”

Trump threw a smoke bomb, and when the fog dissipated, Kushner magically appeared standing at the podium.

“Thanks, mister president,” the pixie of a man said. “It is an honor to serve you. The job you have done is nothing short of amazing. You brought America the greatest economy and employment boom it has ever seen, until an invisible enemy that no one could have imagined, has appeared and proven to be a bit of a pickle for our economy. But I am sure you will make it all well again and the economy will be roaring again soon.”

Trump nodded approval to his hot daughter’s boy-toy. “Go on, Jared,” he encouraged. “You can do this.”

“Now that I have brought peace to the Middle East and solved the opioid crisis,” Kushner said humbly, “I am looking forward to helping states get the life-saving medical equipment they need. But first, they must understand the stockpile is ours, not yours.” Kushner wagged a disapproving finger and continued.

“I want to start by saying many states don’t need as much equipment as they think they do. I have been running my own projections. Governor Cuomo said New York needs 30-40,000 ventilators. That’s ridiculous. According to my noodling, four ventilators should do the trick.”

Kushner looked at his father-in-law who nodded approval.

“So, let’s all be reasonable, not greedy,” the Ken doll in his pressed suit said. “This is a time of need, and unless you’re the governor of a swing state, we don’t want to hear any bellyaching. We all must work together to support our president in the terrific job he is doing to make America great again.”

“Amen,” Mike Pence said rising from the president’s shoes. “Thank you, mister president, for the wonderful job you are doing and––”

Trump pushed Pence aside and stormed off the stage, he wanted to catch Hannity and give him some talking points before he went on air.

Go Kush!

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus”, a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

Georgia’s Governor Brian Kemp knows how to steal elections, but he doesn’t know much about novel coronavirus COVID-19.

Kemp, who as Secretary of State oversaw his 2018 gubernatorial race against Stacey Abrams, suppressed tens of thousands of votes so he could win the election. Now that he’s in charge, he’s learning a lot about the global pandemic that is a national crisis.

Yesterday, the Republican governor confessed he had just learned asymptomatic individuals could spread coronavirus, even though Dr. Anthony Fauci has been talking about that since January.

Upon learning this “new development,” Kemp issued a statewide shelter-in-place yesterday.

At the governor’s press conference, he also disclosed some other exciting things he’s learned recently.

“There’s a place right here in Atlanta called The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, and I guess they study things like viruses and try and figure out ways to help people medically. This CDC place could be a real game-changer for us.”

Kemp also shared some good news.

“Back in January, Senator Kelly Loeffler, who I appointed, game me some hot stock tips. Those have stocks been appreciating nicely. I appreciate the great job she’s doing in Washington.”

Georgia governor said he is ready to lead his state in this fight against COVID-19.

“I can’t think of anyone better prepared than my team and me,” the governor said. “In fact, we’re going to do such a great job, I’m pretty confident I’ll be re-elected by 26.84%. I just have a lucky feeling about that.”

Kemp smiled, and gave a thumbs-up sign.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus”, a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.