Author: PD Scullin

President Donald J. Trump is a man of vision. The most successful businessman ever, and the best American leader in history has done it again–– he has won his trade war with China!

“President Xi of China just called me,” Trump told The Lint Screen, “and he surrendered. Just like after China bombed Pearl Harbor. Xi was crying. Crying like a dog. ‘You win,’ Mr. President,’ he said. ‘I am no match for your big brain. Like everyone says, you are a stable genius. You win, President Trump, and your daughter is very hot.’”

“The Chosen One” said the American people should not watch the news or read newspapers. “The fake news media hates me. All they do is report lies. I saw a headline today claiming the Dow was down over 573 points. That’s fake. Not true. The market went up 20,000 points, believe me.”

“The only people telling the truth are Hannity and some of the other Fox people. Some of them are lying, though. If they say that things are bad, you know they’re lying. Fake news. Things are tremendous. It’s very unfair. Fox needs to do something about traitors.”

Trump quickly detailed the triumphs he has achieved.

“When I took office, I was left with the mess Obama made. Horrible depression, riots, immigrants raping women and children, people committing suicide everywhere. It was American carnage. I said it would stop, and I’ve done that. The economy has never been stronger, and working people have never been richer. My tax cuts gave them so much money, incredible amounts of money. And if I get re-elected, I’m going to give everyone the best healthcare plan ever. Incredible plan. It will cost next to nothing, give fantastic coverage. But I’m going to make it even better. If people vote for me, I guarantee immortality. A Trump vote means you’ll live forever. In fact, we might not even need healthcare. But I’ll have it, just in case. We’ll see. We’ll see what happens.”

The president is confident of his victory in 2020.

“I’ve been talking to people, and they tell me I already have 368 electoral college votes. Amazing success. Tremendous success. I’ve made America great again, now I’m going to make it even greater. So great.”

The president continued talking to himself as reporters walked away.

Donald J. Trump is known as one of the greatest dealmakers in the history of civilization.

“Everyone says so,” he told The Lint Screen.

So when the president set his sights on buying Greenland, only to get rebuffed by Danish prime minister Mette Frederiksen, Trump did what all great masterminds do–– he set a new goal.

“Greenland blew it,” Trump said. “They should have gone for my deal. But they didn’t. And that’s their loss. We don’t need them. It’s a lousy country. Awful people. Very rude and disrespectful. I hate them. But that’s okay. I have a new plan. A terrific plan. We’ll buy Alaska.”

Alaska, which is north of America and attached to Canada, is a large parcel of land known for its baked desserts, igloos, and dog sleds.

“I think Alaska will be a much better real estate deal than Greenland,” the president said. “Alaska has oil, all kinds of natural resources we can mine and exploit. And I’ve heard the people are nice. Much nicer than those nasty Greenlanders. Alaska’s also close to Russia. That will be good to have in case I have to go talk with Putin.”

Trump smiled.

“Putin’s a hell of a guy. Strong leader. Very smart. Anyway, I’ve been talking to my people about setting up a meeting with the president of Alaska so we can talk. I plan to close this deal. It’s going to be fantastic. Believe me, this will be remembered as one of the greatest deals of all time. It’s a deal Obama never could have pulled off. Not in a million years. He was a very weak president. Weak as a kitten.”

We contacted the president of Alaska for a comment and have received no response. Yet.

Lady Liberty is one old dame!

She was given to the United States in 1886. A gift from the French people who would later give us French Fries (a tastier gift that’s much more important in American history).

The old green lady was erected in the harbor of New York City way back when and lots of destitute, poverty-stricken vermin sailed by her stoic face as they infested our shores and invaded our land.

These ragamuffin freeloaders took the inscription on the base of Lady Liberty literally:
“Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!”

That was then, but those open door days may soon be gone.

Ken Cuccinelli, the acting director of U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services, told The Lint Screen he wants a new inscription placed on Lady Liberty.

“America can’t roll out the red carpet for just any bum,” he said as he spritzed his pie hole with refreshing Binaca Breath Freshener. “The president wants me to shut the door and lock it. So together we’ve noodled a new inscription for Lady Liberty. And when Mitch and the boys get back from their break, we’ll have them pass a bill and make it official.”

Here is the proposed inscription in its entirety:

“Give me your true go-getters,

those with gumption determined to succeed,

those who have trust funds or the backing of the fossil fuel industry.

People who have no brown in their pigment,

white as flour sprinkled on snow.

Pure as Columbian coke before it gets stepped on.

Individuals who can pull themselves up by the bootstraps,

so they can make something of themselves,

and join a Trump Country Club.

Trump properties are the absolute best. Fantastic country clubs. Incredible.

Everyone says so.

As for the rest of the world and your scummy masses,

go back to where you come from, losers.

Then go straight to hell.”

Cuccinelli smiled and said, “I think the new inscription will be a hit! We love it. Standing up for winners is how the president is making America great again.”

The editorial staff of The Lint Screen invites distinguished guests to write on timely issues and present their solutions. Today, we hear from Fox News megastar Sean Hannity.

It seems a lot of whiners and crybabies are upset by a couple of recent mass shootings in El Paso and Dayton. These unhinged people got their panties in a knot because they say we don’t have restrictive gun laws. They seem to think guns are a problem in America.

Obviously, these looney liberals are the takers and not the makers. They have no respect for the Second Amendment which our forefathers put in the Declaration of Independence because they wanted Americans to have bump stocks and AK-47s.

Our forefathers knew America was going to be a dangerous place in the future and they wanted every citizen to be able to protect himself and his family from getting raped and murdered by vermin invading our country.

God help us all when the caravan finally arrives!

So what should we do?

First off, we need to keep the right to bear arms strong. In fact, I suggest we loosen the restrictive laws against hand grenades, bazookas, and anti-air missiles. When things go south, you’re going to want as much firepower as possible. Trust me.

Then we need to protect our society from the invaders hellbent on our destruction.

I suggest we have ex-military personnel and cops donate a couple of hours to stand guard at all schools, churches, restaurants, and malls. They would be heavily armed to show we mean business. We can also use some ICE agents and Homeland Security forces for back-up.

But, we also need to teach our children to protect themselves.

I keep hearing liberals bellyaching about the need for early start education. You know, Pre-K and all that crap. Let me tell you, all that book learnin’ won’t do them a helluva lot of good when they’re looking at the business end of an AK-47!

Instead of wasting our taxpayer money on frivolous things like education, let’s spend it on firearms training and marksmanship classes. Something they can actually use.

Every American child should be issued a weapon. Something for their small hands, but also a gun they can grow with. Like maybe a Glock 19 Gen 5. You can’t go wrong with that baby.

For the teachers, we need something with a bit more kick. After all, they are protecting our most precious asset. I think a basic AR-10 would be a good choice. Teachers can trick it out however they like to personalize their weapon.

So, we have armed cops and federal officials protecting the schools. We have armed children and armed teachers. That’s a lot of good guys with a lot of guns.

I dare a bad guy with a gun to show up for that fight!

Look, mass shootings are a bummer. I get it. But we can’t throw away our freedoms in a hissy fit to appease socialist liberals.

Trust President Trump, Mitch McConnell, white nationalists, the GOP, and the NRA to do what’s best for America. They love our country and want to protect it from bad people.

Having more guns is the only sensible solution to mass shootings.

Because when we all protect ourselves, we make America even stronger.

And write your congressman about doing something to battle video games–– they’re the real cause of mass shootings!

Hannity, out…

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus”, a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.

President Trump continues to unite America better than any leader in U.S. history.

Following two horrific mass shootings in El Paso and Dayton, our fearless leader jumped on Air Force One with his beautiful and very sexy bride Melania. He brought his big heart to console the survivors.

“The state and city officials were begging the president to come,” Stephen Miller, senior adviser, and Trump favorite said. “The populations of El Paso and Dayton welcomed the president with enthusiasm. They needed his presence to help them heal.”

The president and first lady went to Del Sol medical center in El Paso and posed for a photo with two-month-old Paul Anchondo. The child’s parents were slaughtered in the shooting.

“This picture will be a keepsake for that orphan,” Miller said. “Not many people have a pic with both the president and first lady.”

Miller said the president was upset at the coverage he received for his trips to El Paso and Dayton.

“The fake news media has Trump delusional syndrome,” Miller said. “They have no appreciation for how great a job he’s doing. He supports second amendment rights and has been very vocal about opposing mass shootings. The president believes the problem is video games. That causes white men to snap and grab their artillery. They think it’s a game. Science proves it.”

Miller seemed agitated as if he was explaining a known truth. He took a deep breath and continued.

“President Trump also hates the media for its continual villainizing of white supremacists. These people are American citizens, and he thinks all U.S. citizens should be loved and accepted for who they are.”

Miller believes the president’s trip was a huge success.

“We got a lot of terrific photos we can use in the Trump 2020 campaign, and I think people feel much better about his visiting and being really sad about the shootings. That’s what presidents do, and he was very presidential!”

Miller then vanished in a puff of smoke, leaving behind the stench of sulfur and rotten cabbage.

Acting White House chief of staff Mick Mulvaney popped into The Lint Screen offices as he continued his ongoing defense of President Trump against charges of racism.

“Look, I know a lot of people are in a lather over the president’s recent Twitter rampage against Elijah Cummings and the city of Baltimore,” Mulvaney said in sincere tones. “But that’s hogwash. There is not a racist bone in the president’s body. He has a black friend, for crying out loud!”

The pasty-faced pol continued. “The president invited Kanye West, a famous black dude who does the so-called ‘rap music’ into the White House–– which, by the way, the president did not name! It was called the White House before he got there. The president loves black people. He loves their food and music. Cripes, sometimes he’ll even eat his KFC while listening to Motown music. So you tell me, how could he possibly be racist?”

Mulvaney got red in the face.

“This is all a plot of the radical UnAmerican dark-skinned Squad against President Trump. They want to destroy America and they see him as the great white hope in making America great again. Naturally, they want to paint him as a racist. But it’s wrong and it’s hateful. Those little ladies and Elijah Cummings, Al Sharpton, and a whole bunch of other black people, they’re the racists! The president and his family love all people. That’s why they came to Washington!”

Mulvaney began to get teary-eyed.

“It’s obviously a radical conspiracy against a great man. A great patriot. President Trump was put here by God and he is trying to unite America. The president has the complete support and backing of the entire GOP, and they love America more than Democrats. And our election system is completely safe, Russia did not interfere in the 2016 election. He won fair and square. And exploding deficits are not a problem. The president knows how to run a successful business. He has a proven track record. So let’s just keep everything the way it is. Trust in Trump and Fox News, not fake news.”

As the lickspittle was leaving he stopped to make a closing statement.

“Oh, and next week will be infrastructure week. Really! No, seriously. This time it’s for real.”