The Lint Screen

Author: PD Scullin

  • Lindsey Graham Unplugged

    Lindsey Graham Unplugged

    Mild-mannered Lindsey finally opens up

    U.S. Sen. Lindsey Graham passed his audition for Attorney General last week at the Brett Kavanaugh hearings. He stopped by The Lint Screen offices to dispense some of his unique brand of chill.

    Here are some of the insightful pearls the easy-going politician dispensed.

    “It’s outrageous what passes for entertainment these days. Game of Thrones is a joke. Absolutely ridiculous. That stuff never happened. Dragons? Witches? Seriously?! What do you take me for, an idiot? It’s a big fat pack of lies. It’s all fake!”

    “Judge Kavanaugh is a saint. Maybe the greatest man to ever walk the planet. Sorry, Jesus, but you’ll always be God to me. Brett Kavanaugh went to Yale for Pete’s sake! It’s outrageous anyone questions his past. It’s his future that matters and I want to see him spend the rest of his life on the Supreme Court bench giving his special brand of reasonable, cool-headed justice. Anyone who stands in the way of Judge Kavanaugh should know that you will be remembered. I’m making a list. And when we pass our enemies of the state legislation, every name on my list will be sent to the prison camps. Bank on it!”

    “Missionary position, the best. The way God intended. Case closed. Glowing Triangle and The Bridge, sometimes, if you want something kinky.”

    “Rosenstein, Mueller, all these guys in the Justice Department have got to go. You are not helping our leader make America great again, and so you are committing treason. I’ll say it again; you will be remembered on the list I’m making and you will pay the price for disobedience.”

    “The rule of law is sacred. It’s what separates us from the animals. That, and our ability to shop online and fluff pillows before bedtime.”

    “Peanut butter and jelly is the greatest sandwich ever. The greatest, the best bar none! Ham and cheese? Give me a break. It’s doo-doo. BLT? Get off your high horse and get real. BLTPBJ, maybe, but no to BLT–– absolutely not! PBJ all the way, that’s what I say. And so help me God, I’ll kill any man who says anything different. Stab them in the throat with my Pilot pen. I’m talking to you, Dick Durbin! Watch your butt, buddy, or you might bleed out on the Senate floor.”

    “Integrity is the most important characteristic of any man. Anyone who says anything different should die a slow painful death. Integrity, always!”

    “John McCain was a good friend. I loved him dearly and I miss him, but he never should have been captured in Viet Nam. I agree with President Trump, I like my heroes not to get captured. Sorry, John. And you were also disloyal to Trump. Big mistake, buddy. Rest in peace.”

  • Kavanaugh Will Be Investigated, Thanks To Trump

    Kavanaugh Will Be Investigated, Thanks To Trump

    Brett Kavanaugh welcomes a thorough FBI investigation and invitations to keggers

    Donald Trump has done it again!

    After weeks of bitter bipartisan “wrasslin’” as Sen. Lindsey Graham might say, President Donald J. Trump did the impossible–– he persuaded the FBI to launch an investigation into some of the allegations about Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh.

    “As I have said many times for a long time,” Trump told The Lint Screen, “the FBI does not do investigations into the pasts of Supreme Court nominees. Investigations are not their job. FBI stands for Federal Bureau of Incense. Most people don’t know that. But the FBI offices always smell like sandalwood. It’s very soothing, relaxing. Nice.”

    But given the past 48-hours of drama in Dr. Christine Blasey Ford’s testimony against Brett Kavanaugh, the Trumpenator decided it was time to learn more.

    “Brett Kavanaugh is an amazing man. Incredible judge. Very impartial, not at all political. A level-headed, cool and calm judge who looks great in a black robe. He has a perfect temperament to be a Supreme Court Justice. I did a great job picking him. Tremendous job, much better than Obama.”

    Trump leaned back in his chair. “But, when this woman from the west coast started bellyaching about what Brett did as a drunk teen, she was probably put up to it by crooked Hillary, I decided to take action. The doctor lady was good, very dramatic. Used big words. I was moved. So I decided to demand the FBI do an investigation–– even though they have never done investigations before–– but I think it’s the right thing to do. And I know their report will smell very nice. Plus, it will shut up the naysayers for once and for all. I love women, by the way. No one loves women more than I do. I’ve had lots of them. Many women, the best women. It’s why I keep Tic Tacs in my pocket at all times.”

  • Trump Slays International Crowd, Will Headline Vegas

    Trump Slays International Crowd, Will Headline Vegas

    The prez had his A-game at the U.N.

    United States President Donald J. Trump was on fire today as he did stand-up comedy for a packed house of international visitors in New York City.

    “I tell you, I don’t get no respect,” said a twitchy Trump as he straightened his ridiculously long Chinese necktie. “No respect at all. I asked my wife if I was good in bed. She said, ‘I don’t know. Ask Stormy, Mr. toadstool.’ Then she said, ‘Oh, wait, it’s all in her new book. I’ll read it to you sometime, stumpie!’ You believe that? No respect. I get no respect at all.”

    Trump went on to critique the job he’s done since being elected leader of the free world. “It’s amazing, the job I’m doing. An incredible job. My administration has accomplished more than any other administration in the history of our country. So true.”

    The crowd was on the floor laughing. Paramedics administered oxygen to those left breathless.

    “Seriously, folks, I’m really, really very good at being president. Don’t believe me? I’ll ask an impartial expert. You can’t put words in this guy’s mouth, believe me!”

    Trump sat in a chair as a limp Sean Hannity was carried on stage by two security officers and placed on the president’s lap. The Donald put his hand on his Hannity’s back.

    DJT: Hey, little buddy.
    SH: Hi, bossman.
    DJT: Do you think I’m a good president?
    SH: Yes sir–– the best ever!
    DJT: Better than Lincoln?
    SH: Uh-huh. Lincoln should’ve stuck to making logs.
    DJT: And Washington?
    SH: Absolutely. He brushed with Crest Termite Control. His breath smelled like sawdust.
    DJT: What about the Roosevelts–– Teddie and Frankie?
    SH: Those guys sucked. They did bupkis. You’re making America great again!
    DJT: I am! Is there anything you think I could do better, Sean?
    SH: Maybe don’t move your lips so much when I’m talking…

    The Trumpster kicked his dummy off stage and did a blistering set about Brett Kavanaugh’s high school and college years of virginity.

    “I think the pope got more action than Brett did in college. I call Brett Madonna–– because he’s like a virgin! Look, I want to put Kavanaugh on the Supreme Court so he can disrobe once in a while! The guy needs to relax if you know what I mean.”

    He also torched his justice department. “I’m not saying Jeff Sessions is dumb, well, actually I am saying that. A very stupid man, Jeff. Short, too. Very small. Like a Hummel figurine. I want to dress the guy in lederhosen. Put him on my mantle. I mean it. And how about that Rod Rosenstein? I should get rid of that guy. Hit him right in his ugly four eyes. Do you think I should can him? If I did, what should I say?”

    Trump smiled as the crowd egged him on for his signature line. He cupped a hand to his ear. The din of the general assembly was deafening.

    “I’ll tell him–– you’re fired! Rosenstein, you’re fired!!!”

    The United Nations delegates leaped to their feet and gave the prez a standing O.

    Steve Wynne immediate signed Trump to play twelve weeks in Las Vegas with Cher.

  • Ted Cruz Attacks His Likability Issue Head-On

    Ted Cruz Attacks His Likability Issue Head-On

    Cruz campaign breaks in Texas to seduce voters into loving the hateful prick.

    Sen. Ted Cruz is out to change public opinion!

    The despicable little cretin is upset that many people have described him as a repulsive creep devoid of any humanity with the charisma of a moldy mop soaking in a bucket of cat urine and tobacco spit.

    Enter Political POW! Marketing. The Dallas-based “brand enhancement” firm specializes in improving the images of political figures running for office.

    “Ted Cruz is a bit of a challenge,” Larry Merdle, President of PPM told The Lint Screen. “We ran some focus groups about Sen. Cruz and discovered most people choke back vomit when exposed to his picture. Many plunged Bic pens into their eyes afterward. Obviously, people know he’s an insufferable a-hole jerk, so we had our work cut out in changing public opinion.”

    The firm worked weeks on crafting a message for the marketplace, one that would shift perceptions about Cruz’s likability. The creative brief for the campaign was simple: “Convince people that vile, repugnant Ted Cruz is not as horrible as you think.”

    Here is the script of the new TV spot that aired yesterday across Texas.

    OPEN ON SHOTS OF HOUSTON, DALLAS, AUSTIN, SAN ANTONIO SKYLINES AT SUNRISE.

    ANNOUNCER: It’s morning in Texas.

    CUT TO SHOTS OF SMALL TEXAS TOWNS. A BARBER OPENING HIS SHOP, A POLICEMAN TALKING TO A WOMAN, A YOUNG CHILD RUNNING AWAY FROM A PRIEST.

    ANNOUNCER: Everyday people are doing everyday things. And life today is a little better than it was yesterday–– thanks to one man.

    CUT TO TED CRUZ SMILING.

    ANNOUNCER: Senator Ted Cruz.

    CUT TO TED CRUZ KISSING A BABY.

    ANNOUNCER: He’s a man who loves people. A man people love right back.

    CUT TO TED CRUZ PLAYING WITH A PUPPY.

    ANNOUNCER: Ted Cruz also loves animals. But not in a weird way.

    CUT TO TED CRUZ PRAYING IN CHURCH.

    ANNOUNCER: Ted also loves God–– and hates infidels. May they burn in hell in lakes of eternal fire!

    CUT TO TED CRUZ ON HIS COMPUTER LOOKING AT HIS FACEBOOK PAGE

    ANNOUNCER: No wonder Senator Ted Cruz is so popular. In fact, he has seven Facebook friends he shares his life and ‘likes’ with. Seven! Talk about being Mr. Popular!

    CUT TO TED CRUZ FINISHING TYING HIS NECKTIE LOOKING IN THE MIRROR. HIS WIFE WALKS UP AND STRAIGHTENS HIS TIE. BOTH LAUGH LOVINGLY.

    ANNOUNCER: Vote for Senator Ted Cruz. He’s not a former dope smoking punk rocker in ripped jeans with a DUI and is a socialist who despises Texas barbecue and wants to take your guns so you can’t protect your wife and children from rapists, Nancy Pelosi, or Islamic terrorists.

    CUT TO TIGHT SHOT OF TED’S SMILING FACE AND SEDUCTIVE EYES

    ANNOUNCER: Vote Cruz–– cuz he’s likable! He’s really likable!!!

    FADE TO BLACK

    Fin

    The end

  • Trump Blames Hurricane on Woodward

    Trump Blames Hurricane on Woodward

    The prez blasts Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist for being “un-American and very unfair.“

    President Donald J. Trump today accused legendary reporter Bob Woodward of causing Hurricane Florence, expected to batter the Carolinas tomorrow or Friday.

    “Woodward released his new book this week,” the griever-in-chief told The Lint Screen, “and right after he did, suddenly there’s a hurricane threatening America. A coincidence? Absolutely not. This is no coincidence, people. No coincidence!”

    Trump has been enraged at the many allegations made in Woodward’s book, Fear: Trump in The White House.

    “Woodward uses amomynus, anomimus, anommius, animisses–– unknown sources to say very bad things about me. A bunch of lies. They’re all big lies, believe me. These lies have been swirling around and around and now they’ve formed this destructive Hurricane Florence in the Atlantic Ocean. An ocean is water. A whole lot of water. Much bigger than a puddle or a lake. Woodward is un-American and very unfair. It’s like I’ve always said, fake news is the enemy of the people.”

    In Fear, Woodward details associates close to the president who said he is “an idiot” and “has the temperament of a fifth or sixth grader.” They said he is ill-suited for his job and they’ve even had to steal papers from his desk to protect him from making bad decisions that would hurt American interests.

    “I know for a fact this book is all lies because my people love me. Ivanka gave me a mug that says, WORLD’S BEST BOSS!. My people would never say anything bad about their boss. They admire the tremendous job I am doing. Incredible job.” Trump thrust out his chest.

    “When I took over, Obama’s economy was in shambles. Awful economy. Unemployment was the worst since the Great Depression under Obama but look at it now. I have the economy on turbo boosters, let me tell you. The best economy. I’ve cut taxes, reduced the deficit, fixed healthcare, made unemployment obsolete, and everyone is making much more money on Wall Street. I started Space Force and Leak Force, two great programs. I got peace in North Korea and the Middle East. Everyone said it couldn’t be done, but I did it. The facts speak for themselves. I am the best president ever!” Trump said as mopped his damp forehead with his long necktie.

    Woodward stands by his reporting. “I have hundreds of hours of tape,” Woodward said.

    “It doesn’t matter about Woodward’s book,” Trump said. “No one cares. He’s a loser, a hater. A liberal witch hunter, like Mueller. But I’ll have to clean up the mess after all Woodward’s lies become a hurricane and hurt America. But people aren’t afraid. They’re calm because of the great job I did in Puerto Rico after it was hit by a hurricane. Everyone said it was the best response ever. A-pluses, all the way around.”

    Trump sat back in his chair. “I’ve told FEMA to get some extra rolls of paper towels. I’m going to clean up after Woodward and make America great again.“

  • Trump Forms “Leak Force” To Battle Dangerous Insurgency

    Trump Forms “Leak Force” To Battle Dangerous Insurgency

    Leak Force is the newest branch of the military designed to eliminate deadly points of view against our Glorious Leader.

    When a leader is a stable genius with a very good big brain, he naturally figures out ways to innovate and solve problems. President Donald J.Trump, the man who had the brainstorm for Space Force, has done it again with the brilliant stroke of forming Leak Force.

    “Our country is at a dangerous crossroads,” Trump told The Lint Screen. “We have a treacherous traitor within our ranks leaking to the failing New York Times. This must be stopped. Since the weak and awful Attorney General, cowardly pond scum Jeff Sessions, the absolute worst person ever, refuses to stand up for justice and investigate, I am taking the bold action of forming a new military unit called Leak Force. It’s like an army of plumbers to fix leaks. Leak Force’s dedicated duty will be to uncover and destroy evil enemies of the people standing in my way of making America great again.”

    Trump said Leak Force will have 140,000 “Truth Agents” charged with identifying dangerous dissidents who are not on the president’s team.

    “This is the United States of America,” the pudgy prez said, “and we cannot have horrible radicals destroying the freedoms that I have fought so hard to get. Like it says in the Bible and our Constitution, America is one nation under God. And God is very good, you know, the best God, really–– and I hope He helps me in my sacred duty of finding these treacherous traitors and casting them to eternal damnation. Lakes of fire and fury are too good for these disloyal bastards, believe me. I also want to have a Leak Force parade, with cotton candy machines, pony rides, balloons, and everything!”

    White House insiders say the president has been enraged ever since the anonymous op-ed piece ran in The New York Times earlier this week. They say he has pouted, cried, ordered extra ice cream and KFC, threw his toys, and overturned his desk in the Oval Office.

    “I’ve never seen the big guy so upset,” one cowardly and gutless insider said as he doodled on his Vice President of The United States notepad. “He is usually very emotionally balanced and rational, but that op-ed threw him into a dark tizzy. After I read it to him, he immediately ordered a nuclear strike on The New York Times building, but General Kelly talked him out of that. Something about collateral damage and what-have-you. He punched General Kelly, then slapped Jared in his pretty face, and told Ivanka she was the only person he could trust. The boss assumed a fetal position at her feet and fell asleep.”

    Trump feels confident he can find and suppress leakers. “My job is never done. First I had to deal with the biggest witch hunt in history, and the fake news media and all the deniers of the excellent job I am doing. Now I must kill dangerous enemies of the state because that’s what strong leaders do. There is a heavy price to pay to keep free speech free, let me tell you. I demand 110% loyalty, I deserve it for the incredible job I’m doing–– everyone says so–– and if it takes getting rid of all the bad apples, so be it. It’s like the old saying says, you have to crack a few eggs to make an apple pie and America great again.”

    Leak Force will begin waterboarding suspects soon to determine who is not on Team Trump. Those guilty will be annihilated for the good of the nation.