Last night, Stephen Miller, a senior advisor to President Trump, took the stage at the Laughing Skull Lounge in Atlanta and performed a crisp comedy set on open mic night. In an exclusive, The Lint Screen presents the transcript of the hilarious jokester’s routine.
“Hello. I am Stephen Miller. I work in Washington, D.C. In the White House. And, boy, is it ever white… I’m talking really white.”
(AN AWKWARD THREE MINUTES OF SILENCE AS MILLER SLOWLY SCANNED THE CROWD)
“Seriously, if you’re in this country illegally, or, if we don’t think you’re one of us, we will deport you. Come in here, guys, check and make sure everyone here tonight is legal…”
A TEAM OF TWENTY ICE AGENTS STORMED INTO THE CLUB AND BEGAN DEMANDING PROOF OF AMERICAN CITIZENSHIP FROM EACH AUDIENCE MEMBER AS MILLER LAUGHED. SOME PEOPLE RESISTED AND WERE CLUBBED, ARRESTED, AND REMOVED FROM THE CLUB. WHEN THE ICE TEAM WAS DONE CHECKING CREDENTIALS, MILLER STRAIGHTENED HIS TIE AND CONTINUED HIS ROUTINE.
“Why did President Trump cross the road? Because there were a lot of good people on both sides. You’ve been a great audience. Make America great again, Atlanta! Thank you. Goodnight.”
MILLER BOUNDED OFF THE STAGE AND VANISHED INTO THE NIGHT.
If you see the clouds parting over the White House and a shaft of bright sunlight come beaming down, do not be surprised.
A group of the nation’s top evangelical leaders was called to the Oval Office today to pray to ‘The Big Guy’ for the big guy.
“The evil media has been very nasty to our master,” pious V.P. Mike Pence told The Lint Screen. “It is shameful, sinful even. The Google machine is attacking our glorious leader with fake news and negative stories. People need to watch Hannity for the gospel truth. Believe! We need to shut down the internet immediately! I am talking with Mitch McConnell about it. There are websites with wanton women, women who cast their clothes aside and embrace lustful activities with men and women of many colors, many involving exotic contraptions, role-playing, makeshift lubrication, and outdoor surroundings. I have heard about them.”
The nation’s holiest rollers agreed with the veep.
“The fake news makes a big deal about the president’s extramarital affairs,” said Rev. Jimmy Jackyjay of Eternal Redemption Church. “As Jesus said, to err is human, to forgive divine. Who among us has not awoken next to someone who is not our spouse? At least his women are alive. He didn’t have to dispose of the body by a dumpster. No one died here. Give a guy a break, for crying out loud!”
Rev. Kenny Devoutly of Assured Salvation Church agreed. “The news media has been harsh in its criticism of Mr. Trump. He was a celebrity, a billionaire, a magnet for women. And he gave up the bright lights to lead his flock through the desert of eternal damnation. President Trump is our Moses, and we are his sheep. He is taking us to the market. And it will be good. The market is at an all-time high. His shady business dealings of the past are ancient history. Let us enjoy our journey to financial salvation. Tax cuts and freeing of regulations, slashing social services. The working people simply need to look at the value of their portfolios to see that we are on the right path.”
“Amen, brother,” said Pastor Shirley Burlap of Straight Into Heaven Church. “My portfolio has never been better.”
“But we still need donations,” said Rev. Devoutly.
“Yes, yes. We accept all credit cards and car titles,” said Rev. Jackyjay. “We are poor as church mice. Give and reap your heavenly reward.”
“Look,” said Pastor Burlap. “The Bible says many things, and just because the president doesn’t dot every I or cross every T doesn’t mean he is not a moral and devout Christian. He was put here by God, and we must obey him. Satan, I command thee to shut down this witch hunt now!”
With that, all the preachers laid hands on their chosen one. They bowed their heads and prayed while moving lips and speaking in tongues, like The Rolling Stones’ logo.
“And God,” President Trump said quietly, “would it kill you to send me a Diet Coke? Christ, I’m dying of thirst here.”
VP Pence scurried out of the room with his arms flailing to do the Good Lord’s work.
Donald J. Trump may regret his 1999 decision to have a professional mime attend all his private meetings–– now that the quiet one will sing like a bird for the dirty witch hunting screws!
“Mitch” The Mime was employed by the Trump Organization to pantomime all confidential conversations The Donald had.
“The boss thought Mitch was funny,” said Bullet Blutaw, a security officer who has worked for Trump since 1992. “Mitch would pretend like he was pulling a rope really hard, or walking against a strong wind, or like he was trapped in a box, –– and the big guy would roar. He’d slap his knee and say, ‘Look, he can’t talk! He’s a dummy! Do it again!’ He loved Mitch’s zany antics so much, the chief kept him employed when he went to the Oval Office. But he put him on the taxpayer’s dole. Mitch was a senior advisor making $172,200 a year. Not too shabby for a guy who don’t say squat.”
“Mitch is going to tell everything he knows,” the mime’s attorney, Darryl Winthrop III told The Lint Screen. “Of course, he’s not going to break character. That would be a betrayal of his professional code. Mitch will pantomime all the illegal and shady activities he saw in his years working with Trump.”
The quiet one joins a crew of weak-kneed blabbermouths willing to rat out the prez in return for immunity from prosecution: Trump Organization CFO Allen Weisselberg, Trump’s personal attorney Michael Cohen, and David Pecker, the CEO of National Enquirer publisher American Media Inc., who squashed the big man’s scandals in a safe.
“The boss is furious,” Bullet Brutaw said, as he straightened his necktie and spat. He took a switchblade from his pocket, snapped it open and began cleaning beneath his fingernails while he continued.
“Seems like everyone’s turning tail and becoming a chatty Cathy. Gabby gossipers are taking their best shots to save themselves. They’re yellow, they can’t do the time. Maybe I should sharpen my blade on their tongues.” He smiled. “At least there’s some good news. I saw Ivanka going into Bob Mueller’s office with a stack of confidential file folders. I’m sure she’s speaking up for the old man. She’s always got his back.”
Manafort was convicted on eight of eighteen counts of financial crimes. He served as Trump’s campaign manager until he was revealed to be an agent for a foreign adversary and released from his post.
“Paul is a patriot,” Trump said. “A true-blue American hero who has been unfairly charged. Everyone cheats on their taxes and defrauds banks. Big deal! Since when are those things crimes? But Paul took it like a man. He didn’t blab like some scared school girl and tell hushed secrets. That’s what sniveling cowards do, they sing like a canary. I have one word of advice, snitches get stitches. Remember that. Snitches get stitches.”
Trump took a deep inhale. “It will be my honor to bestow our country’s highest honor on Paul Manafort. He deserves it.” Trump got agitated.
“But what about Crooked Hillary and Obama? Why aren’t they locked up? And Mueller? And Chuck Todd? And Jeff Sessions? And Nancy Pelosi? And kneeling NFL players? And people who don’t cook KFC extra crispy even you tell them you want it cooked extra, extra crispy! And…”
The Prez handles the bad news with a stiff upper lip.
Even though Donald J. Trump didn’t serve in the military, he still knows how to be a good soldier. A very good soldier who deserves a medal!
When the president received the awful news yesterday that his planned military parade would be too costly to hold, he acted like a big boy and canceled it all by himself.
“We’re all very proud of the president,” Defense Secretary James Mattis told The Lint Screen. “He has had a very rough week, what with the Omarosa tapes, Mueller’s constant witch hunting, the Manafort trial, and Melania’s neverending migraines and sleeping with a gun under her pillow for protection against intruders in her bedroom. President Trump was really looking forward to his military parade and seeing horsies and marching bands. He was even hoping there would be elephants and men in fez caps driving funny little cars.”
White House insiders say the president threw a temper tantrum when he heard how expensive the parade would be. He suggested cutting social security to fund it. “Old people get all the treats,” he whined.
His advisors said cutting social security would not be a smart political move since old people tend to watch Fox News and vote. Trump stomped his feet (no doubt agitating his bone spurs), threw a chair, and fell to the floor kicking and screaming, “I wanna parade! I wanna parade! You promised!”
Generals Kelly and Mattis sprang into action. They lifted the president up from the floor, straightened his comically long necktie and promised if he behaved himself they’d arrange for him to get a pony ride, balloons, and cotton candy.
“Will you also take me to KFC for a big bucket and mashed potatoes and gravy?” the president asked politely.
“Yes,” Kelly said. “But only if you’re a good boy,” Mattis added.
The president jumped up and down excitedly. “Deal!” The generals smiled. Trump then punched each man in the stomach and shouted, “Suckers!” He giggled mischievously and ran out of the Oval Office to hide.
U2 is not known for being political, but the Irish rockers are making a move to the most political place on Earth–– 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue!
Bono told The Lint Screen today that the band’s next album will be recorded in the situation room in the White House.
“I heard the Omarosa track with General Kelly, and I flipped out,” the dreamy Dublin crooner croaked. “The acoustics were incredible, rich and resonant, sonically spectacular. I think that magical space will be perfect for our band’s next album. Don Was will be producing, and he is completely jacked about working in ‘the sitch.’”
The album, tentatively titled Butterflies in a Death Spiral, will begin sessions on August 30. There has been no word if Omarosa or Kelly will make guest appearances.
“We’d love to have them,” Bono said, “if their labels will let them do it.”
