Author: PD Scullin

The House Republicans are clutching their pearls as they continue pursuing Hunter Biden and “The Biden Crime Family” for “destroying everything holy and sacred in God’s green universe.”

Today the Keystone Kops had a hissyfit when Hunter Biden appeared before the Capitol Building and said he’d be happy to testify on camera.

“We can’t have that,” said an outraged House Oversight Chair James Comer. “If we question him on television, people could watch it, and I fear what might happen. We can’t have witnesses to what we do. That’s un-American.”

Performance artist Marjorie Taylor Greene stepped forward.

“I’ve already shown pictures of Hunter’s junk in Congress,” she said. “I’d be happy to show it on TV.” She smiled.

Judiciary Chair Jim Jordan quickly covered her mouth. “Shh, now, girlie,” he said. “The menfolk are talking here. Go on and play with your dollies, bake a cake, or sew something.”

Comer continued. “Hunter Biden is the most dangerous man in the world. I fear for our children and pets. He could kick our dogs, and I, for one, won’t stand for that. We must immediately lock up Hunter and throw away the key. No, wait. Maybe we should lock up the key just to be safe. And then lock up that key. Oh, brother, this is getting complicated as all get out. Look what the evil Biden family has done to us––scrambled our brains!”

“We have to impeach Joe Biden,” Jim Jordan declares. “He can’t be president because he’s, well, he’s Hunter Biden’s dad! And the old man lent him money to buy a truck. We can prove that. We’ve got the receipts. And we’re going to impeach ol’ Joe. You just wait and see. And then Donald J. Trump can get back into the Oval Office where he belongs. He was the best president ever!“

“I love big daddy Donald. I worship him.” MTJ swoons. “I want to have his babies!“

Jordan gives her a hard wrestling coach’s stare. “You’ll have babies when we say you will,” he commands. “Republican men know what’s best for women.”

James Comer smiles. “The world can sleep safe at night knowing the GOP is looking out for its best interest. We’re hard at work addressing all the crucial issues of the day and helping make life better for Americans!”

MJT bows her head. “Please let me have his babies. PLEASE!”

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a twisted, fun ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Buckle up and go.

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Newly elected Trump puppet Speaker of the House Mike Johnson wants to wipe out the memory of the attempted coup and insurrection on January 6, 2020.

“I am releasing lots more video from the peaceful protest on January 6,” Johnson said. “And to protect the innocent, we will be blurring the faces of peaceful demonstrators to save them from possible deep-state persecution.”

The Howdy-Doody-lookin’ GOP stooge claims he gets his instructions directly from God.

“The Lord spoketh to me from a paper towel holder,” Johnson claims. “He said I must protect His chosen people who went peacefully to The U.S. Capitol to protest the devil in the form of Joe Biden stealing the election from President Donald J. Trump. Shamefully, mean police officers beat these people to pulps and arrested them for seeking justice in an unjust world. And I said unto the Lord, thy will be done. I am thy servant. Verily. Verily.”

Holy Roller Johnson says he has also consulted with another wise person.

“I spoke with pious Ginni Thomas,” Johnson says. “She is an authority on knowing right from wrong because she is married to Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, who judges all laws of the land. They are pillars of moral behavior. Ginni said the protestors were good people doing the work of the righteous. They must be protected like lost lambs.”

Johnson shakes his head, casts his eyes down, and looks up with tears.

“I fear for this country,” he says. “There is much evil. We must put more religion in every house, save every soul, and bow to the almighty Donald J. Trump, our prophet who shall carry us to the promised land. And those who do not obey him shall be cast into the flames of hell. Our planet has been here for 6,000 years, and if we don’t save it now, we won’t survive another 6,000.”

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a twisted, fun ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Buckle up and go.

Three weeks after disgraced twice-impeached, four times indicted and facing 91 felony counts, ex-President Donald J. Trump’s failed coup attempt on January 6, 2020, Speaker of The House Kevin McCarthy donned a halo and flew to Mar-a-Lago.

“I heard the President was depressed,” McCarthy tells The Lint Screen. “And I was worried sick because he’s usually such a happy-go-lucky guy.”

McCarthy had heard that Trump was so down about being unable to overthrow the U.S. government that he wasn’t eating.

“The President has always had a healthy appetite,” McCarthy says. “And because he’s slender, I was concerned he might waste away to nothing. So I flew down to Mar-a-Lago with an emergency bucket of KFC.”

When McCarthy arrived, he found Trump slumped in a gold silk chair, mumbling to himself.

“I didn’t like what I saw,” McCarthy recounts. “He was talking about the dirty double-crossing snake Mike Pence and how Biden stole the election from him. I asked the President if a tasty drumstick would make it all better. He waved his hand, called me a spineless loser, and told me to leave.”

But McCarthy was determined to nurse him back to health.

“I began eating the KFC,” McCarthy says with teary eyes. “I chewed it very well, then positioned my mouth above his and dropped the chicken cud into the President’s open cakehole. His eyes widened, and he swallowed. It was like watching Popeye eat a can of spinach! I chewed and fed him like a mama bird repeatedly for the entire bucket of chicken…then three Big Macs, a supersized fries, a coconut cream pie, a tray of mac ‘n cheese, and a bag of York Peppermint Patties. President Trump burped, and it smelled minty. My mission was successful!”

McCarthy says he was exhausted after feeding the ailing President.

“Donald Trump looked up to me, called me weak and pathetic, and told me to get the hell out,” McCarthy says, smiling. “I knew the President was on the road to recovery. I felt good. I had saved America. He would overturn democracy someday soon.”

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a twisted, fun ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Buckle up and go.

Ethics are finally coming to Washington, D.C.!

In a bold measure, Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts has announced “incredibly strong new ethics standards” for all Justices on his bench.

“I’m sick of reading the slanders against my Justices,” Roberts tells The Lint Screen. “The nine of us make up the highest court in the land. We are the rule of law in these United States, so naturally, we must be beyond reproach in our ethical practices and moral standing.”

The top legal beagle has been pestered about the questionable practices of Justice Clarance Thomas, Neil Gorsuch, Samuel Alito, and Robert’s wife, who has made a fortune as a recruiter placing lawyers at firms with cases before the Court.

“I will be carefully policing my people,” Roberts said. “And anyone who accepts gifts or bribes over $10 million is going to get a pretty stern talking to, let me tell you,” Roberts says, wagging his finger. “I’m serious here. We are going to batten down the ethical hatches.”

Justice Thomas has been the most egregious recipient of gifts, especially from Texas rightwing billionaire Harlan Crow.

“I have a sugar daddy,” Thomas states. “So what? Lots of people have generous benefactors. I think the people complaining are just jealous. What about Sonia Sotomayor––she makes people buy her books for speaking engagements! She should be in prison. Or maybe get a neck rest on the guillotine.”

Thomas has also been criticized for not recusing himself from cases involving his kooky wife, Ginni, who had a critical role in promoting the big lie that Donald Trump won the 2020 election.

“The last thing I need is Ginni riding my butt,” Thomas says. “She can be a holy terror.”

Chief Justice Roberts smiles.

“Anyone with less than ten million cash can bend my ear anytime,” he says. “But God help you if you try and give me more.”

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a twisted, fun ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Buckle up and go.

Things are heating up in Washington as Republican politicians are balling their fists and looking for someone to slug.

“It’s getting out of hand,” Sen. Bernie Sanders tells The Lint Screen. “These GOP politicians are talking smack and pushing buttons and boundaries. We can’t have it anymore, so we’ll take their beefs to the canvas and let them settle it with the pugilistic arts.”

Sanders will host the upcoming “Thunda In The Rotunda” Fights.

“We’ve got quite a card,” the Vermont Senator says. “The undercard includes ‘Murderin’ Mauler’ Markwayne Mullin squaring off against ‘Slammin’ Sledgehammer’ Sean O’Brien. These guys have tried to settle their score with nasty Tweets, and now they will negotiate their differences with fisticuffs. But that’s just the appetizer, baby.”

Bernie smiles.

“We’ll host a battle to the death everyone’s dreamed about,” Bernie beams. “We’ve got ‘Manglin” Marjorie Taylor-Greene bumping gloves with ‘Loonie’ Lauren Boebert. These two gals hate each other, and they will finally settle the score. It’s going to get real ugly real fast.”

Sanders chuckles with a mischievous gleam filling his eyes.

“Then we’ve got the main event, which will be one for the ages,” Bernie boasts. “‘Krazy Killer’ Kevin McCarthy versus ‘Terminator’ Tim Burchett. These guys have been itching to settle their score, and by God, it will be an epic battle to determine who rules MAGA Nation once and for all.”

Bernie takes a deep breath. “There are no losers with the Thunda in The Rotunda,” he claims. “In the end, America is the winner.”

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a twisted, fun ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Buckle up and go.

Disgraced twice-impeached, four times indicted, facing 91 felony charges, would-be coup leader ex-President Donald J. Trump is livid.

“The Supreme Court should have never overturned Roe,” Trump barks to The Lint Screen. “I told them that. Protect the women, I said. Little ladies like the right to choose. But the Justices didn’t listen to me. Big mistake. Very big mistake.”

Trump believes the reversal of Roe is hurting the Republican brand.

“I am the only one who can save the GOP,” the braggart crows. “I and I alone can save America and make it great again. And then make it even greater again and again. When I get back in office, where I belong because Joe Biden cheated me, I will protect women. They can do what I let them do.”

Trump smiles. “And I’ll use the military to crush anyone who disagrees with me about anything. No matter what. That’s what freedom is all about.”

The con man has been proven to be a fraud repeatedly, with a bogus university, fake charities skimming money, and currently, his company, the Trump Organization, is in court for falsifying financial records.

“The judge is being unfair,” Trump whines. “He is very not nice to me and my little children. When I’m president, I’ll get revenge on him, Jack Smith, Fanni, and everyone who has disagreed with me. They’ll regret ever crossing Trump.”

The madman has a long enemies list.

“Justice will be served,” he says, red-faced. “And I am justice. Bow to me, or suffer the consequences. Because I believe in democracy and the American way––and that is the Trump way!”

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a twisted, fun ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Buckle up and go.