“Lookit here, people, I ain’t she did do it or she didn’t do it,” said a visibly agitated Merchant, “all’s I’m saying is that the little monkey has yet to deny having done the heinous acts, while my candidate categorically denies any involvement whatsoever in any Amish beard shenanigans! Come to think of it, I haven’t heard Ms. Pickles state for the record that she is not an Islamic terrorist sent here to bring down democracy. And she ain’t said nothing about not being a Nazi or having ancestors who were involved with the assassinations of Abe Lincoln and JFK, or that Scope’s monkey trial where those apes had minty breath and vicious scorn for all things decent! All’s I’m saying is that there’s a lot we don’t know about this Ms. Pickles character, and I don’t want the voting public to get hoodwinked into buying a pig in the poke.”
The Pickles campaign said that they were “too busy with barn raisings” to respond to the allegations at this time.