The Lint Screen

Tag: Bill O’Reilly

  • O’Reilly To Be The Bachelor

    Bill O’Reilly is ready for his close-up, and all those beautiful women vying for his attention!

    Recently fired hothead ‘no-spinster’ Bill O’Reilly has just been signed by ABC to be “The Bachelor” in the network’s blockbuster show.

    “O’Reilly is a hot property,” Frankie Turminder, ABC’s head of programming told The Lint Screen. “With all the scuttlebutt about Bill and the opposite sex, he is natural to be our next Bachelor. If I may get clever for a moment, we believe Bill O’Reilly will quote, make a killing, end quote. You see, that’s a play off the bestselling book series Bill has penned with the word ‘killing’ in their titles. Get it?”

    We did. And we contacted Bill O’Reilly himself.

    “Listen, pinhead,” he told this reporter. “I’m sick and tired of all these skirts saying I made sexual advances to them. Not true. Complete fabrication. Lies!”

    O’Reilly’s face turned red as he began stabbing the air with his index finger and continued. “I want to show everyone that chicks can’t get enough of the Billster. So, I’ve agreed to be The Bachelor, and the world will see what it’s like to be me–– an incredibly handsome, no-B.S. intellectual who every hot mama wants. I’ll prove I’m more than just eye candy for the dames. And when I present my rose to that one lucky broad, you better believe the world will be watching its happiest resident! The one who landed this non-sexist well-mannered bachelor. Now, get out of my face, before I slug you in your stupid pie hole!”

    With that, O’Reilly shoved this reporter to the ground, kicked him in the kidney and skull and stormed out of the office.

    Watch for Bill O’Reilly on ABC’s The Bachelor!

  • O’Reilly Outraged At Getting Canned

    O’Reilly will not go quietly into the night.

    Fox News may have killed Bill O’Reilly, but his gravesite will not be a no-spin zone.

    In an exclusive interview with The Lint Screen, the megastar opened up about his mistreatment by Fox. “I made those people billions, billions of dollars over the years, and for that, they give me the bum’s rush out the door?! Unbelievable,” the tall newscaster barked.

    “And why? I’ll tell you why–– because I’m too damn good looking, smart as the Dickens, charismatic, charming and irresistible, that’s why. But a bunch of broads said I made sexual advances to them and said inappropriate things, and for that, these cutesy little snowflakes melt, lawyer-up and file lawsuits. Is that what this nation’s become–– a pack of rabid suing crybabies? That’s not my America. No sir!”

    O’Reilly claims he is innocent of all charges brought against him. “It’s not my fault Fox decided to pay instead of play. They forked over the cash, and the next thing I know, every girl who ever slipped on some panties accuses me of chasing her skirts. Well, what if it was the other way around? What if I’m the real victim here?!”

    O’Reilly then trashed The Lint Screen offices and threw a chair through the window. Then he punched this reporter in the kisser and breadbasket and charged out the door. “I need a goddamn drink,” he was heard saying to himself.

    Bar patrons have been warned…

  • O’Reilly & Williams Go Into A Bar…

    Two famous newsmen secretly met and shared tales of better days.
    Two famous newsmen secretly met and swapped tales of better days.

    Holland Bar in Hell’s Kitchen seemed an odd spot to meet a couple multi-millionaire media stars, but The Lint Screen recently descended into this dive bar to eavesdrop on a conversation between Fox Newsman Bill O’Reilly and NBC Anchor Brian Williams. The two tall men sat at the end of the bar with tumblers of scotch and commiserated on their recent troubles.
    BO: It’s a media hit job, the whole thing they’re pulling on me.
    BW: I hear you, pal. The wolves sharpened their teeth on my ass.
    BO: Know what their problem is?
    BW: They’ve got no imagination?
    BO: Of course, that, but their real problem is they can’t stand integrity, and it irks the hell out of them that some journalists still got it.
    BW: Guys like you and me.
    BO: Right. Guys putting ourselves on the line to get the story.
    BW: The whole story. It’s why I go in harm’s way.
    BO: And why I wrote my “Killing” book series. Hell, I didn’t even write about being on the grassy knoll when Kennedy bought the farm.
    BW: Really? You must have been pretty young.
    BO: Thirteen, fourteen, or something. But even then, I had a nose for the news. I sensed a story was unfolding in the land our forefathers called Texas.
    BW: What a coincidence, I call it Texas, too.
    BO: Hey, barkeep! (O’Reilly shouts) Want to fill my glass, or do I have to die from dehydration down here? (To BW) Service in America sucks. There’s no compassion whatsoever.
    BW: Service sector needs to focus on humanity.
    BO: My point exactly. (To bartender as he pours scotch into his glass) Don’t be shy, buddy, if you expect a good tip. And do my friend here again.
    BW: Thanks, Bill.
    (The bartender finishes pouring and steps to the other end of the bar.)
    BO: Where was I?
    BW: The grassy knoll.
    BO: Right. Shots rang out and…
    BW: I was on the plane, you know…
    BO: The plane? What plane?
    BW: Air Force One. With LBJ getting sworn in. Poor Jackie, she looked so sad. That dress was absolutely ruined.
    BO: Really? You were there? You must have been a little kid.
    BW: I was four, I think. Yeah, a kid, I guess…
    BO: That’s amazing.
    BW: Well, like you, I guess I had a nose for news.
    BO: And that’s why all the other media pinheads hate us–– they despise that we do the job.
    BW: It’s all about the story. Doing whatever it takes to get the story.
    BO: Right. And others are too lazy to go find the story behind the story, and that so often is the story! So what do they do? They come gunning for guys like us.
    BW: Exactly.
    BO: You like this scotch?
    BW: Sure. It’s smoky, nice full-bodied flavor.
    BO: It’s my recipe. I sold it to a distillery. Told them to keep my name off the bottle. I don’t want to be whoring booze. Might ruin my credibility.
    BW: Really? That’s incredible. You created the recipe for this wonderful scotch?
    BO: Yeah. Look, if a newsman doesn’t know a good drink, then who the hell does? I’ll tell you about it…