The Lint Screen

Tag: Canfield

  • Tuggles Pulls Out of Prez Race

    The cute kitten from Canfield, Ohio leaves the presidential race in disgrace.
    In a startling development, Mr. Tuggles, the cute kitten from Canfield, Ohio, has pulled out of the 2012 U.S. presidential race following recent allegations of “doing bad things, very bad things” to a mysterious cat.

    Jerry Ossenwold, campaign manager for Mr. Tuggles, issued a prepared statement at the press conference held this afternoon in Walpole, New Hampshire, where the Tuggles campaign was promising residents “people who don’t live free should die a thousand pain-filled deaths” and those that vote for Mr. Tuggles in the primary “will receive gold Rolex watches, house boats and Florida time shares” for their support.

    In his statement, a tearful Ossenwold said, “Mr. Tuggles has decided to withdraw his bid for the highest office in the land due to personal, prayerful considerations. This decision in no way reflects the recent outrageous wild allegations of sexual improprieties made by a cat of loose morals. Mr. Tuggles is pure as the driven snow that has never been violated by a footstep,” said Ossenweld sobbing. “He was a contender, Mr. Tuggles was. He coulda been king of the world, I tells ya– king of the world!”

    Ossenwold then collapsed at the podium as bored reporters stepped over his convulsing body to get on to the next juicy political story.

  • Paws Claims Tuggles May Be A Killer

    Is Mr. Tuggles a cold-blooded killer? Suspicions are raised.
    As the heat of campaigning turns up, Sam Merchant, campaign manager for popular pup prez candidate, Santy Paws, today speculated that a dead bird discovered in a Canfield, Ohio yard may have been the handiwork of competing presidential candidate, cute kitty Mr. Tuggles, a Canfield resident.

    “Look, lots of birds get done in by these cats with their anger issues,” said a visibly upset Sam Merchant. “I ain’t saying that Tuggles did gave this poor little birdie his angel wings, but then again I ain’t saying he didn’t or couldn’t. Fact is, even cute kittens have sharp teeth and quick razor claws that can kill. I think that the American public needs to remember that our great nation has never elected a cold-blooded killer into the oval office, and I for one couldn’t catch many winks at night knowing that I voted for a vicious murdering cat like Mr. Tuggles could very well be. We just don’t know what this baby wild beast is capable of doing. Let’s not elect a potential blood thirsty killer here! It won’t do our image diddly-squat.”

    Merchant then announced that Santy Paws would hold a press conference tomorrow in an aviary in St. Louis.

  • Adorable Kitten Considers Prez Run

    Will kitty run? Run, kitty, run! See Kitty run!
    An incredibly cute kitten in Canfield, Ohio is reportedly considering a run for the Oval Office.

    Mr. Tuggles, an adorable mixed breed feline, is said to be contemplating declaring his candidacy in the 2012 presidential election race. Although the kitten is not close to 35 years old, a Constitutional requirement for serving as a U.S. President, his handlers say that he has the maturity and wisdom of a 55-year old human. “Plus, I know for a fact that Mr. Tuggles was born in this country because I saw it with my own two eyes– why, it happened right there, under the sink,” said Roger Bimplow who resides in the house with the cuddly furrball of love.

    Jerry Ossenwold, an advisor close to Mr. Tuggles, says that he believes the kitten will be a very strong presidential contender. “No one can match him for adorableness and fluffability, and I believe those are the things all Americans are looking for in today’s bleak economy. Mr. Tuggles also does not believe in science, mathematics, art, history or biology. In fact, he told me that he thinks too much book learning and self expression is destroying the world. I agree!”

    Ossenwold would not disclose which political party Mr. Tuggles is associated with, but said that he has already been approached by many corporate lobbyists bearing catnip and saucers of milk to curry the cute kitten’s political favor.

    “Should he run, I believe Mr. Tuggles will be hard to beat. He’s just so darn lovable, he’ll win paws down!” said the chubby political adviser as he rolled on the lawn and asked for his belly to be rubbed vigorously.