Dr. Walter Palmer is a very angry man. Following last week’s news that he had killed beloved Zimbabwean lion Cecil, the Minnesota dentist was struck by an onslaught of negative publicity and threats. But those didn’t stop this brave Novocain shooter–– he’s struck again!
This time, the deadeye tooth-driller slew a caged Amur Leopard named Lenny at the Minnesota Zoo.
“I got tired of all the bleeding hearts bellyaching about Cecil,” Palmer told The Lint Screen. “It was a good kill. I paid 50-K to bag that bad boy. But I felt like I had to prove my mettle over another very dangerous creature. Amur Leopards have huge sharp teeth. Let me tell you, those chompers will make mincemeat of human flesh–– so I took the beast down!”
Patrons and zoo officials are saddened by Lenny’s demise. “He was very popular,” said William Pullerburd, a zoo spokesman. “The Amur Leopard species is near extinction, with only 50 or so living in the wild. It’s a tragic waste of a natural treasure and a senseless crime against nature.”
Palmer stands by his kill. “I keep hearing about all these creatures that could go extinct. I don’t buy it. What–– are these big cats wearing condoms? Give me a break. There’s plenty to go around, and their mounted heads make great conversation pieces adorning the wall of my den.”
The dentist shot Lenny with 16 arrows and six shots from a Glock in his hour and a half hunt of the caged beauty. “Tell you one thing,” Palmer said, “he was a fighter. But he ain’t the champion,” the dentist said as he flashed his winning Crest toothpaste smile.