The Lint Screen

Tag: death

  • Dead Rich Distant Relative Like Winning Lottery

    Cry not, sweet tombstone angel–– soon we’ll be rich!
    One of the things I love about this digital world is the ability to connect to people. It’s both remarkable and can be quite profitable.

    Case in point: a recent dispatch I received from a good man named ‘Rene Keita.’ I’m not sure where this person is from, but he is a kind, caring, compassionate soul who only wants to assist me in finding wealth as a result of the tragic passing of a distant relative I never knew I had!

    Read his urgent message to me below and you’ll see my good fortune!

    Dear Patrick Scullin,
    I am Personal lawyer to Engr.M.J. Scullin , who died in an auto accident along side with his family. After all investigation even with the relevant embassy has yielded no results showing that there is no living next of kin.
    I hereby solicit for your immediate response and positive committed efforts to facilitate the fund remittal of total sum $31 million USD before it get confiscated by the bank. This fund was left behind with a bank by my late client.I have all the necessary proof
    Upon your positive response to this covenant, I will make all necessary information known to you. please get in touch with me through my email at ( rene.keita@hotmail.fr ) for more details.
    Yours
    Rene Keita

    I am in for a cool $31 million clamollas, and I didn’t even have to scratch a lottery ticket to win! One Scullin gets planted in the earth, the other plucks the monetary fruits of his life’s labor. What could be easier?

    I’ve dispatched all my personal information to Rene Keita and imagine I’ll soon be hob-nobbing amongst the swells (“Hello, Mick Jagger, do you know my friends, Alan Thicke, Doug Henning, Lorraine Bracco and Richard Belzer?”) I’ll be a fabulously wealthy fat cat, thanks to the untimely death of a dearly departed relative I never knew but feel eternally grateful to.

    It’s this kind of connectivity that I believe will make this internet thing go from being a fad to a real sensation and perhaps a permanent useful tool.

    Has the internet changed your life for the better? Please share.

  • We’re All Going To DIE!

     

    Forget sleeping-- LIVE IT UP! The dirt-nap's coming soon enough, people.
    Forget sleeping– LIVE IT UP! The dirt-nap's coming soon enough, people.

      Not to be an alarmist, but the four horsemen of the apocalypse are charging on the horizon–– riding evil angry pigs to deliver a death sentence to the entire human race! You included!!!!!

        Yes, this year’s model of doom and gloom is the Swine Flu (H1N1), an oldie but goodie from the 70’s, has evolved and come back to tickle your nostalgia bone and send you to the boneyard toot sweet. How can you tell if you have this new and improved Swine Flu? Look for these telltale signs:

        1.  Your pig is achy and feels hot when you kiss its cheeks nightie-night-night

        2.  Piggie is not sleeping well and the bedroom floor is littered with spent Kleenex

        3.  Your pig is listless and its tail loses its natural bouncy curl

        4.  Poor porky requests chicken soup by the gallon

        5.  Your pig says it “feels like something the cat dragged home” and misses work wallowing in its own filth

        Once your pig is sick, you can get infected also.

        In order to protect oneself from Swine Flu, some people get all Lady MacBeth; washing their hands incessantly. Others play doctor and wear a mask over mouth and nose below their furrowed brows. And fear-filled fanatics hold their breaths in public and refuse to shake hands with anyone. Instead, they greet filthy, germ-ridden people with a cheery spray of gunfire, an action generally thought by etiquette experts to be not quite as cordial a greeting as a hearty handshake.

        Even though there have only been isolated cases of the Swine Flu reported worldwide, there is a full-on pandemic panic fueled by a flood of fear-mongering news reports. You’ve seen and heard the ‘bumpers’ on news shows before breaking for commercials:

        “Is your skin trying to kill you? We’ll tell you the disturbing answer of one large organ’s evil revenge after the break…”

        “Is certain death the least of your worries after contracting Swine Flu? Stay tuned and find out how one expert says Swine Flu can affect you in the afterlife… then Chip will tell us in his three day forecast if it’s going to be good weather for cemetery plot shopping .”

        “We all know the dangers of Swine Flu, but you probably don’t know that two common household items could kill you quicker and more painfully. We’ll tell you which ones when we come back.”

        You wait on pins and needles to discover that washing down fistfuls of Drano with a half gallon of bleach makes Swine Flu look like a warm hug and a wet kiss.

    Woe is we.
    Woe is we.

       It’s gotten so bad that The National Pork Producers Association is demanding that Swine Flu be renamed “The Delicious, Nutritious And Surprisingly Versatile Other White Meat Sniffles”.

        Medical officials at the Centers For Disease Control And Prevention in Atlanta have not returned phone calls to comment on this new name.

        Obviously they are all dead.

        Yipes!