The Lint Screen

Tag: Democratic party

  • Behind The Dem’s Bold New Branding Campaign

    Sen. Chuck Schumer announces the Democratic Party’s dynamic new campaign.

    Yesterday, the beleaguered Democratic Party unveiled a new rallying cry, and The Lint Screen met with members of Hiley, Musgrove & Binburner, the famed Washington D.C. political marketing group, to discuss the making of the new branding campaign.

    “We did extensive focus group testing,” said creative director Chip Musgrove, “and the winning slogan was A better deal. People liked the idea of a better deal for them.”

    “It was very scientific,” added senior strategist Tom Hiley. “We asked a wide spectrum of citizens if they would prefer things like a better job, better wages, and a better future. Amazingly, almost a hundred percent of people said they would.”

    “Not to be dismissive,” Musgrove said, smiling, “but people who didn’t want those things were obviously brain dead or total idiots. The interesting thing was A better deal tested even better than another proposed line, The absolute best, most tremendous deal ever. Incredible deal. A fabulous deal, believe me! People said that particular line sounded too much like a Republican promise.”

    “Those guys are good,” commented Hiley, as he exhaled on his vape (chocolate-peppermint flavored smoke–– delish!).

    “We tested hundreds of lines,” said Mark Binburner, senior research director. “Some of those included, We’re not him, Bleed your heart, We’re anything but deplorable, Clintons & Co., Your safe space, We’re gonna make it after all, Where political gets corrected, This donkey can kick, Support Chelsea–– it’s her turn, Bringing sanity to the Thanksgiving table, We embrace collars of every color, Tired of losing & ready to win, Something for everyone, and, Decent people, lousy politicians–– let’s change that, okay?

    “We think A better deal will be an incredibly successful rallying cry going forward,” Hiley said. “We don’t know how it can miss–– I mean, it was tested in focus groups.”

    “Plus,” added Musgrove, “the new Democratic Party chairperson, Debbie Wasserman Schultz, loves it. She thinks it’s perfect, a fresh way of saying we’re all new and improved!”

    “Yes, it’s a bold, confident day moving forward,” said Binburner with a broad smile, and two thumbs up.

  • Political Parties Dissolve, Sponsorship Evolves

    As a result of the recent Supreme Court ruling permitting unlimited election finance support of politicians and political causes by corporations, unions and special interest groups, the venerable Democratic and Republican parties are dissolving in favor of direct politician sponsorship.

    This means that soon you may see politicians carry designations like, Goldman Sachs, Exxon Mobil, MetLife, FreedomWorks, Boeing, AMA, Bank of America, NEA, Lockheed Martin, KBR, Novartis, General Electric, Citi and DuPont.

    Politicians scramble to find corporate sponsors.
    “Thank goodness for this new ruling,” said a senior senator who demanded anonymity, “we can finally do what we’ve been doing for years– sucking from the corporate teat and letting them guide our hands in writing legislation they can profit by. Now we can do it without the charade of having to debate issues and causes with arcane notions like justice and equality. We can openly allow corporate fascism to rule enabling us to better serve our corporate overlords without the hindrance of the so-called people. Sure, we need them for their votes, but that’s about it. After the election, they just get in the way of things. There’s no need for people in a democracy like ours.”

    Asked if this new corporate sponsorship will be like NASCAR sponsorship– with large corporate logos displayed on uniforms, the senator responded angrily, “Don’t be preposterous. That would be tacky. We’ll simply wear lapel pins with tasteful logos to show our sponsor support. We’re not whorish shills, you know.”

    Financial companies are elated with the new ruling. “Now we can really help the country with some of our innovative financial ideas,” said a high ranking official who threatened death to this reporter if his identity was disclosed. “Years ago we had to maneuver and work backroom deals to get things like the Glass-Steagall Act overturned. That allowed us to gamble with the housing market finances. Now we don’t have to be so secretive, we can be open about lining the pockets of lawmakers to get laws that favor us without bothersome government oversight or restrictions. If our financial ideas fail, who cares– taxpayers will bail us out. The Supreme Court’s recently ruling ensures a much more transparent buying of politicians, and frankly, what could be more American than that?”

    With that, the Wall Street bigwig lit a Cuban Monte Cristo cigar with a burning $1,000 bill and exclaimed, “Hrrrrummmph!”