Is this proof of clean waters in the Gulf of Mexico, or proof of a massive Presidential cover-up?!BP has found a new scapegoat for the April 20 Deepwater Horizon catastrophic explosion and oil spill–– President Barack Obama.
Capitalizing on Obama’s slide in approval ratings, a BP company spokesperson said anonymously that the President’s recent swim in the Gulf with his daughter Sasha may have been a clever ploy to divert attention away from Obama’s culpability in being responsible for the oil spill.
“Look, I’m not saying President Obama did cause the oil spill,” said the spokesperson, “but I am saying that his swimming in the gulf to prove that it’s clean is exactly the sort of stunt someone who did mastermind the horrific oil spill would have done to cover-up his dirty tracks. I mean, come on, everyone knows how smart the President is–– isn’t this just the kind of brilliant ploy you’d expect from a diabolical genius? And to make your cute daughter an accomplice, well, that is just sheer Alex Trebeck-kind-of-smart. Let’s face it, we’re not even sure if Obama is even a citizen of the U.S.A. or if he’s an Islamic terrorist or an insurance salesman–– who knows what evilness he’s capable of!”
The spokesperson said BP would honor its commitment of $20 billion for cleaning up the oil spill. “We’re just good folks going a good job, and we’re more than happy to help people because we think people who need people are, well, the luckiest people in the world. And we’ll protect these people from the Obama monster.”
BP may have a better fix.Former V.P. Dick Cheney, age 69, received a HeartMate II LVAD (left ventricular assist device) last week and reportedly is recovering well. But officials at BP think they can help Cheney even more.
“After the tremendous success we’ve achieved fixing pesky oil leaks, we sincerely believe we can help the former vice president with his ticker,” said a BP company spokesperson. “Mr. Cheney’s had a world of trouble with his heart, but we’re confident we can help him. After all, look at how we saved the Gulf of Mexico after God erupted that enormous oil spill! Which, by the way, we’re determined to clean up and make right, not because it’s our fault, but because that’s just the kind of swell janes and joes we are!”
The official refused to explain exactly what BP officials had in mind to fix Cheney’s heart, he only said, “It might take some experimenting with innovative techniques or drilling alternate pumping resources, but we feel pretty confident we can make it right. It’s what we do!”
BP is getting tired of being the scapegoat for the Deepwater Horizon oil spill that is still dumping millions of gallons of crude oil into the Gulf of Mexico, and the company is now taking a more Zen approach to its public relations.
“Look, we’ve tried the old ‘apologetic, contrition, guilt’ and ‘we’re here for you’ approach,” said a company insider who demanded anonymity, “but we’re still taking it on the chin, public relations-wise. So now we’re just asking people to take a chill pill and relax. I mean, come on, Doris Day said it best– que sera sera. Which means, ‘whatever will be, will be. The future’s not ours to see. Que sera sera.’ There’s a ton of wisdom in those song lyrics, and that perky blonde may have been one of our greatest philosophers in troubling times like these.”A great philosopher?
BP is even thinking that it may be a useless effort to continue operations to try and stop the leaking. “Nothing seems to be working,” said the insider, “and everything we do only exasperates our bad P.R. So, fine. Maybe we should just sit back and let some Einstein come up with a solution. I’m not saying we will, but we’re getting pretty sick and tired of the beating we’re getting in the press. Now there’s hurricanes brewing– hey, is anyone blaming Mother Nature? No. No, it’s all evil BP’s fault. I, for one, am sick of fighting a losing battle,” said the irate man in his $4,000 tailored suit and $1,500 shoes, “we just can’t win here! He pivoted quickly and walked away, disgusted, perhaps in search of a ‘chill pill’ to ease his frustration.
Sometimes finding the right words is, kind of, you know, uh, whatchacallit, ummm…Recently, BP launched an extensive media blitz to reassure Americans that it is dedicated to cleaning up the mess it has made in the Gulf of Mexico. The spokesman for the TV campaign is the company’s chief executive officer, Tony Hayward. The Lint Screen has obtained some early drafts of scripts allegedly penned by the executive. They are reprinted here for your enlightenment.
TH:I’m Tony Hayward, CEO of British Petroleum. Since this unfortunate oil spill, I have been getting terrible mild headaches. My appetite is lacking and my palate cannot confidently discern a ’98 Petrus Pomerol from a ’99 Chteau Le Pin Pomerol. Looking at my massive net worth does not bring me the intense pleasure it once did. While I can empathize with what many people and animals in the gulf coast are going through, I wish more people would empathize with what I am going through. Look, we’re all in this together. I feel your pain, so please, return the favor and feel a bit of mine. Have a little compassion, won’t you? Thank you.
TH:You know, it’s easy to play the ‘blame game’ for the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. Sure, BP had 760 safety violations in recent years, but let’s not assume that makes us guilty of negligence in this horrific accident. If you’re like me, you believe in God, and He ultimately is responsible for everything on earth. After all, He made it, populated it and allows both good things and bad things to happen. Why God wanted this awful oil spill, I don’t know. But my faith is strong enough that I am willing to accept His will. I hope that you will do the same. I’m Tony Hayward, asking you to pray for me and BP.
TH: At BP, we’re concerned for your health. While many support solar power, we know that the sun can also be very dangerous with its harmful UV rays. Especially to those of us with pasty white complexions. Well, one benefit of the recent oil spill is that the pristine beaches so inviting to so many sun worshippers will soon be closed for clean-up operations. This means that BP is helping save millions of Americans from the dangers of UV rays and the risks of sun cancer. Protecting people is just another reason BP should be your first choice in quality petroleum products. Thank you and please don’t forget the sunscreen. BP cares.
TH:Hello, I’m Tony Hayward, CEO of British Petroleum. At BP, we’re concerned about our environment because Mother Nature is our mother, too. She is getting on in her years and we love her as much as ever. So, we’re working hard to clean-up the unfortunate mishap that occurred recently in the Gulf of Mexico. While no one can say what exactly caused the terrible oil spill, we’re going to spend our own money and make great efforts to clean it up. Yes, it’s costing us a bloody fortune, but we will spend whatever it takes to make it right. You see, at BP we believe that oil and water don’t mix, and we’re going to help our poor Mother clean herself up. Not because it’s our fault, but because it’s the right thing to do for the poor old girl.
An anonymous spokesperson for BP has confessed that the gigantic oil company responsible for the catastrophic Gulf of Mexico oil spill, “was never very good at math.”More arty than mathy.“Originally we thought the oil spill was only 5,000 barrels of oil a day, which is only like, what, 210,000 gallons? No biggie. But we looked again recently and darn if that pesky leak isn’t closer to 70,000 to 100,000 barrels of oil a day gushing into the Gulf of Mexico. Whoopsie daisy! Our bad.”
The anonymous source laughed nervously and ignited a Pall Mall cigarette with the tip of his finger.
“Frankly, math and science were always our weak suit. In school, BP people excelled in arts and language. We’ve been writing beautifully expressive poetry to frame the emotional impact of the spill– you know, pristine white doves being transformed to look like crows, that kind of thing– but to quantify it, or find scientific ways to stop the leak, well, we leave that to the eggheads and nerds. It’s not our bag, man.”
Although the company has been stumped for over a month in finding a solution to capping the leak, the shadowy source said that the BP Bohemian Arts Division has found the tragic oil spill to be a rich source for artistic expression. “It’s really charged our creative juices, and we’re thinking of doing an collector’s edition book of our artistic work to sell through BP retail channels. We’ll probably even offer a discount with fill-ups because we want our customers to know just how much we care.”
The quiet confidant laughed nervously lighting another cigarette.
