After Sunday night’s screw-up by PricewaterhouseCoopers, the Academy Awards Committee has fired the prestigious accounting firm and hired H&R Block (in central Tarzana) to take over auditing responsibilities for The 2017 Oscars.
“We thank PricewaterhouseCoopers for their excellent work over the years,” said Cheryl Boone Isaacs, president of the Academy Awards Committee. “Aside from their huge boner on Sunday, they were aces. But now we’ve decided to go in a different direction, so we’ve hired a local H&R Block office to help us going forward. We wish the PwC people the best and remind them that tax day is April 15. They sometimes tend to mess things up a bit, so this is just a gentle reminder.”
Terry Ranchfield, manager of the Tarzana H&R Block office that won the Oscars account told The Lint Screen he looks forward to his company’s new role. “Our office has adding machine, calculators, everything you need to do good ciphering. Plus, a few of our people are ex-postal delivery folks, so we really know how to handle envelopes. You could say we’re proud to have won the best supporting role!”
PricewaterhouseCoopers show their super-scientific voodoo accounting magic for the Oscars.
Following last night’s epic Oscars fail by PricewaterhouseCoopers (PwC) by mixing up the envelopes for the Best Picture winner, many of the accounting firm’s clients are demanding their tax returns be re-done.
“How can we trust their calculations?” asked Comax Industries President Maxwell Fluber. “For all I know, they put our tax return in the wrong envelope. Or, maybe instead of paying over a hundred and twelve million in taxes last year, we should be getting a huge refund. Who knows with PwC?”
Indeed, many of the accounting firm’s clients are referring to the Oscars mishap as being “PwC-ed” and they are questioning all actions conducted by PricewaterhouseCoopers.
“They’ve been telling me for years that our business is bad,” J.C. Penney CEO Marvin Ellison told The Lint Screen. “So, I listened to them and just announced we’re closing a bunch of stores to save money, but now I’m wondering if we shouldn’t be expanding instead! Maybe business is great and America is ready for our stylish fashions! I’d hate to get PwC-ed out of business.”
Bernie is a gift from Carthage, Texas to your front door.
2011 was hardly a great year for motion pictures. War Horse, The Help, Moneyball, Hugo, The Artist and The Descendants were lauded as some of the best. While many were way above average, none were worthy of much thought beyond the initial screening.
Now you can see what The Lint Screen believes was the best movie of the year. One that hardly got mentioned–– Bernie.
Based on a true story that took place in Carthage, (East) Texas in 1996, it’s the fascinating tale of Bernie Tiede (played by Jack Black), an assistant funeral director who can sing like an angel, spread compassion like warm butter on an August day, and is generous with empathy, goodwill and love to all. Especially blue hairs.
Bernie becomes the constant companion of the town’s mean, rich old lady, Marjorie Nugent (played by Shirley MacLaine in her current life form). Bernie enjoys the lifestyle of the rich and famous, globe trotting by Marjorie’s side. The couple is the talk of the town, and actual locals are filmed as the chorus of “gossips” who act as insightful play-by-play announcers with vivid color commentary for the fantastical story as it unfolds.
Let’s just say it doesn’t end well for Marjorie or Bernie as one thing leads to another and somebody gets hurt. The ambitious D.A., Danny Buck (played by Matthew McConaughey who manages to keep his shirt on), wants the truth to be revealed and justice to be served.
The story was originally reported by the excellent journalist Skip Hollandsworth for Texas Monthly. The article was read by director Richard Linklater (Fast Food Nation, School of Rock, Slacker, Dazed and Confused), and together the two men spent over a decade working on the screenplay.
The result is one amazing story with terrific, unforgettable performances by Black and MacLaine, both Oscar-worthy. It’s entertaining, funny, warm and touching. Within the first five minutes, you’ll also learn some handy things you can do with Krazy Glue that you probably didn’t know.
Oh, Oscar, how could you have overlooked this gem of a film? Do yourself a favor, give it a go and enjoy the ride. It certainly has more chops than War Horse.
The place to be tonight is running your feets here!This is where your feet want to be tonight because this is where Hollywood royalty does the perp walk before prostrating themselves before the fatted golden little man named Oscar and anyone who is anyone is totally here and as glammed-up as thirsty angels going out on a Saturday night bender and look who’s coming now– it’s Natalie Portman of Black Swan fame and she is gorgeously decked-out in a pink taffeta tutu number with black fishnet stockings and purple plastic kneecap protectors and what’s that she’s eating– it’s planks of chicken tenders and she’s dunking them in a small bucket of cream gravy a servant is carrying and oopsie-daisy a glop o’ gravy just hit the red carpet and that is going to leave an awful greasy stain and who is this coming– why it’s True Grit’s own Jeff Bridges and he is gussied-up in a cowboy theme of leather chaps, no pants, and a red bandana tied ’round his neck and he has an eyepatch covering his right nipple and I think this may be the fashion statement of the evening but WAIT, here comes Helena Bonham Carter of The King’s Speech and she is gorgeous in an all white nurse’s outfit and bright red pumps but it looks like she’s tracking something all over the carpet and by the smell of it I think she may not have watched her step around her dogs, and oh my word here’s her leading man Kingy-poo, Colin Firth, and he apparently did not know that The Oscars are a formal affair– he’s wearing tattered jeans, a faded Led Zep tee and Crocs, oh, he must feel out of place but look who’s coming now– it’s bad boy Charlie Sheen and he smells like he has been partying for days and oh my goodness, he’s making sick all over Melissa Leo’s gown and the red carpet and here comes The Situation from Jersey Shore drinking red wine from the bottle and fortunately he has been tasered and the wine has spilled all over the carpet, that stain will never come out, and the cops are dragging him away in handcuffs, oh I wish you could see the action here on the red carpet– it is SOMETHING but I am going to have a long night trying to get this red carpet clean again…
It’s hard to become champ with a crackhead in your corner.2010 was a pretty terrific year for movie lovers.
The Social Network, Winter’s Bone, The King’s Speech, True Grit and The Other Guys were some of my favorites. I recently caught two surefire Oscar favorites– The Fighter and Black Swan. Both are must-sees for any serious film lover.
In The Fighter, we see a tale that’s been told many times: the palooka beating the odds, trusting in himself and succeeding. But, this film based on true events throws in some interesting twists– a family that loves and manipulates so hard it’s crushing, and the perils of being trained by a crackhead.
Christian Bale is phenomenal as the washed-up older brother/trainer to Mark Wahlberg’s battling boxer “Irish” Mickey Ward.
Bale’s “Dickey” lives in his past glory days and deludes himself with dreams of rising again to be a serious fighter and contender. Until then, he has the crack pipe and his little brother to keep him occupied. The boys have an overbearing mother played by Melissa Leo, in a performance sure to get an Oscar nod. Mom is not only the matriarch of the family, she schedules upcoming bouts and manages her brood of fighting boys and doting daughters. Leo and Bale are a potent one-two punch (witness the scene in the car with the two singing).
Throw in killer performances by Amy Adams and Mark Wahlberg, and you have a film best described by our firstborn son as “it’s hard to imagine a better sports movie.” Yes, yes it is.
Director David O. Russell really delivers the goods here; the pacing, camerawork, cinematography and performances are all terrific. That said, I cannot forgive Russell for the wreck that was I Heart Huckabees .Ballet gets very, very frightening.The other move that should not be missed is Black Swan, a film just under two hours that will haunt you for a long time to come.
While we’ve all seen many boxing tales, we probably can’t name many gripping ballet flicks. Enter Black Swan, a movie that’s part beauty, part beast, and has the creepy edginess of Psycho throughout.
Oscar, meet Natalie Portman, shake hands and get to know each other. She’s a lock.
Portman shed 20 of her unslightly pounds for the role of Nina Sayers, and she delivers a heavyweight performance as a dedicated-innocent-living-at-home-with-mommie-pursuing-perfection- ballet dancer. Her performance as an actor and dancer are believable, beautiful and incredibly disturbing. Director Darren Aronofsky never lets up with the tension and intrigue of this compelling thiller. No matter how much you think you don’t like ballet, I defy you not to be interested in this film. Of course, some hot sex scenes can spice up any story.
The supporting cast is superb. Barbara Hershey as Nina’s long suffering artistic mom, Mila Kunis as Lily, the back-tatted beauty in the company who is either Nina’s friend, enemy or a frienemy, Winona Ryder as Beth Macintyre, the fading ballerina star and Vincent Cassel as Thomas Leroy, the driven and manipulative ballet company artistic director.
I can say no more about the movie aside from this: Swan Lake scares me. See this film. Here’s a ballet film that keeps you on your toes. (Could I get a rimshot, here? A rimshot, please! Rimshot?!)
The Fighter and Black Swan are two great stories of finding strength from within in decidedly different ways. Between the two films, they’ll easily garner a dozen to a dozen and a half well-deserved Oscar nominations.
Wish you were here and making the walk into heaven! Ohmigod, this is so amazing, I’m seeing more stars than Capt. James Kirk on the bridge of the Starship Enterprise at warp speed 5.4, look over there– J Lo, you go girl– and George Clooney, love you in E.R., and there’s that tall blue lady from Avatar— you were incredible sugar, glad goodness beat evil on Pandora, oh, and there’s Meryl Streep and she’s got Sandra Bullock in a headlock and is giving her face some fist kisses, and there’s Jeff Bridges and he’s got his bathrobe with a caucasian in hand, go, Dude, abide, and here’s Katheryn Bigelow and she’s wearing a bomb suit designed by Jason Wu, absolute stunning, and over there’s her ex-hubby, James Cameron who’s being carried into the theatre on a king’s throne– nice touch with the children tossing rose petals as he whips them lightly– oh, and lookit over there, Mo’Nique wearing nothing but a feather boa and a welder’s helmet, oh, wait, is that– yes it is, look–Ken Watchons, who did some amazing grip work on Precious, and behind him is what’s her name, you know, the really beautiful woman who was in that movie about the thing that happened that one time, you know, the one that’s in color–oh, I need a paper sack, I’m hyperventilating here…
