Patrick Scullin

Communications Breakthrough!

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I had Tweeted, e-mailed, Facebooked, blogged, vlogged, My Spaced, Google Grouped, You Tubed, Second Lifed, wikied, podcasted, Plaxoed, Linked-In, every form of social networking– I even went old school Alex G. Bell on a handset, but none of it was working.

Then I did something truly incredible: I arranged a ‘face-to-face meeting.’

Pre-K Commencement Address

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Recently I was asked to give the commencement address to “The Cherished Sweet Angels Pre-K” graduating class. Here’s my speech in its entirety with editorial comments:

Good morning, Cherished Sweet Angels, and congratulations on receiving a sheepskin for doing little more than poking straws into juice boxes and for rarely mistaking glue sticks for ChapSticks. (TITTERS OF NERVOUS LAUGHTER FROM PARENTS AND CHILDREN.) For these incredible accomplishments we are gathered to honor and blow smoke up your graduation gowns. (ANGRY STARES FROM PARENTS. CHILDREN LOOK BORED.)

25 Notes On Scotland

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Having been in Scotland almost a week, here’s some observations.

The thought of haggis is much worse than the taste of it. That said, you’ll probably never see “haggis-flavoured” anything on your grocer’s shelf.
The people are wonderfully friendly and very accommodating. They’re bright, interesting and good conversationalists. Plus, they hardly ever sucker punch you, either.

Mall Laws

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I decide to try a chair massage. The massage guy gets a call on his phone and tells me he’ll be just a minute. “No prob,” I say and he turns his attention to his call. I start stripping to get ready for my massage. Toot sweet, I’m buck naked and easing into the chair like I’m praying at church.

We’re All Going To DIE!

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Not to be an alarmist, but the four horsemen of the apocalypse are charging on the horizon–– riding evil angry pigs to deliver a death sentence to the entire human race! You included!!!!!