Billy Bush Gets New Show
Following his suspension from NBC’s Today Show, Billy Bush, the disgraced celebrity suck-up, has announced he will be hosting a new show called BB’s Locker Room Talk.
Patrick Scullin
Candidates To Wear Electric Debate Collars
“We’ve seen Hillary and Donald square off, and it was ugly,” said Emily Tortsover, the head of the debate organizer committee. “And last night, we witnessed the Tim and Mike show, and it was an awful affair. Their behavior was completely unacceptable. We’ve tried rewarding candidates with treats for good behavior, but that doesn’t seem to work. Something had to be done, and electric collars are the natural solution.”
Wells Fargo’s Stumpf Sentenced to Time With Warren
“I think Mr. Strumpf could use a good talking to,” Judge Judy told The Lint Screen, “and I think Elizabeth is just the person to make him her bitch.”
World Shaken By Two Recent Tragedies
Teddy “The Stabber” Tummery, leader of the Chicago Hell’s Angel chapter was also shaken by the news. “I thought they were real good together. Like salt and pepper. Or, cotton candy and malt liquor. The news kind of makes me wonder if true love is just an illusion, some faint scent of hope given to us by poets and damn liars who ought to be strung up and dragged four miles behind a bike then used as a pin cushion.”
Pets Bored By Election
While the human race is in a lather over the United States presidential race, a recent survey shows the pet population could care less.
“It’s stupid,” said Bowser, a four-year-old boxer in Boston. “I swear, it’s all the news has been about for like three years now. When in the hell is this election anyway? Could we just stop this madness?”
TSA To Offer Premium Security Services
Lundersome explained that all major airports will have security stations offering the “Personal Pat-Pat”, a 15-minute premium inspection with a $46 price tag that includes a warm massage table, hot oil, incense, low lighting and smooth Kenny G. or Yanni music.