The Lint Screen

Tag: politicians

  • Debt Compromise Reached: “Hooray USA Day!” Plan Unveiled

    Hooray USA Day! to save country and politicians.
    Political leaders of both parties could not agree on cutbacks or tax increases to solve the growing U.S. debt crisis, so they did what they do best– achieved a brilliant compromise.

    In a joint press conference, leaders from the Democratic and Republican parties shared the exciting news of Hooray USA Day!, a brilliant new plan designed to raise funds to pay down the country’s debt.

    “We recently conducted a $62 billion study to determine how average Americans raise funds when they are in a financial squeeze,” said R. “Bucky” Temptkins, a Republican Senator from Idaho. “What we found was that some people starting cooking meth or engaging in prostitution, which while lucrative, did not sit well with our family values. Other ways they raised monies included yard sales and selling blood.”

    “We also looked into how community groups raised funds,” continued Lawrence Moonpie, a West Virginia House Democrat. “We discovered many of these organizations hold bake sales or car washes and that these activities are quite effective at raising needed monies.”

    “So,” said Sen. Temptkins proudly, “we came up with an innovative plan to save entitlement programs and tax cuts. It’s something we call…” both politicians beamed proudly as they shouted into the microphones in unison, “Hooray USA Day!”

    The men high-fived, curtsied to each other and smiled broadly.

    Rep. Moonpie continued, “Hooray USA Day! proves our nation is the greatest in the world because it preserves our precious political capital and raises funds solely with grassroot efforts.”

    “The very efforts Tea Party types like and support,” said Sen. Temptkins, “and we only spent $480 million to come up with the catchy name Hooray USA Day!”

    “It works like this,” said Rep. Moonpie, “on Saturday, August 20, we will divide our country into three fund raising forces. Those whose last names begin with the letters A through H will participate in a great bake sale, baking their favorite recipes and putting them up for sale to their fellow Americans. Those whose last names begin with I through Q will grab sponges, super chamois towels, buckets, hoses and host car washes in the parking lots of local supermarkets. And those whose last names begin with the letters R through Z will hold yard sales getting rid of all nonessential possessions.”

    “Each activity will have a cash box,” continued Sen. Temptkins, “and at the end of the day a fleet of Brinks trucks will pick up the monies and take them to local banks where the funds will be tabulated and forwarded to Washington in order to pay down the debt. In a $610 million study we conducted, it is projected we can raise over $500 trillion with these Hooray USA Day! activities– provided we can get premium prices for our nation’s used Journey CDs, James Patterson books, ratty recliners and ‘Friends’ DVDs.”

    Both politicians smiled broadly as Rep. Moonpie issued closing remarks. “We don’t have to cut anything from our budget or raise any taxes. Hooray USA Day! is the Godsend we’ve all been looking for! If it’s as successful as we think it’ll be, we may make it an annual event.”

  • Politicians Hit BP Piñata

    An easy target for political gain. Make hay with Hayward!
    It was open season on BP CEO Tony Hayward yesterday in D.C. as politicians on both sides of the aisle beat on him in a great display of what passes for leadership these days.

    “You shouldn’t have allowed this massive oil leak to happen,” said one representative. “There ought to be a law against such things.”

    “Obviously you are worse than the byproduct of Hitler and Stalin’s gene pool,” said another frustrated lawmaker, “you can’t expect government to regulate you and fix you. Everyone knows government doesn’t work. It’s your fault this happened, I suggest you promise us that this will never happen again.”

    “I believe you are Satan himself,” said another representative, “you should have been better about ensuring safety so that this tragedy could never happen. I mean, come on, you’re part of the free market system– can’t you just make sure accidents like this never happen again? I demand it, and my constituents deserve it! Thank you, and folks back home, please remember to vote for me this November. I do your bidding and do it very well!”

    Finally, one representative spoke out on behalf of BP. “If we hold BP responsible, it will be damaging to their profitability and the oil industry. We need the oil industry, it is the lifeblood of our economy and we must protect it at all costs. Let’s just clean up this mess, fix the problem without government intervention, lower taxes and let the free market rule, as our founding fathers intended!”

    With that, the lawmaker closed his notebook, lifted the canvas bags of money that had been discreetly placed beneath the table and left the proceedings to cheers and backslaps from excited oil lobbyists.

  • Help Save The Bankers!

    A proposal for a more civilized feeding time for bankers.
    As evil self-serving politicians go on a witch hunt against Goldman Sachs and other Wall Street financial types, I’ve become worried.

    What if the dastardly politicos enact regulations that might curb the free marketeers from earning their paltry hundreds of millions of dollars annually?

    What if there are no longer billions of bucks for bonuses, paid for by taxpayers, for losing on aggressive bets made?

    What if financial lobbyists don’t enjoy unlimited budgets to grease politicians and assist in writing laws ensuring future riches?

    In other words, what if stupid laws cap the opportunities for gambling, greed and gouging the little people who don’t even understand how banks make money?

    After many sleepless nights, I have come to a simple solution: cut out the middlemen.

    Rather than the outdated system we currently have– bankers hiring lobbyists to get politicians in the pocket and help write laws that enable financial fatcats to gamble and win big, or get paid-off by taxpayers if they lose– let’s just cut out the lobbyists and politicians and simply have taxpayers pay Wall Streeters directly.

    The market would be much more efficient if we taxpayers simply tithed 5-8% of our income to our banking overlords from the get-go. Why should they have the inconvenience of waiting for our income to be taxed, then passed their way?

    With my bold new proposal, these pinstripers wouldn’t even need to trump-up risky gambles or cockamamie financial instruments. They wouldn’t have to hurt their ivy league brains conjuring schemes to screw people– we’d just fork over the dough up front and acknowledge our woeful ignorance. Then the civilized cufflinked crowd could get back to more important matters, like buying estates on the Hamptons or dandruff control.

    Why must we continue these pointless charades in Washington? Help save the bankers– write your congressional servants and let’s cut to the chase.

  • Health Care Summit A Huge Success!

    To avoid confusion, the President and V. P. had name plates, but no name tags. Fame is sweet!
    Today’s health care summit held at Blair House, across the street from The White House, was a resounding success as democratic and republican lawmakers came together to spitball some ideas of how to deal with rising health care costs.

    The spirited conversation included republican leaders challenging the criticism that they had “no ideas” for reducing the cost of healthcare. “I think we should pass legislation outlawing bad health. Let’s nip this whole problem in the bud,” demanded a republican senator. “If people didn’t get sick, they wouldn’t need health care. Problem solved!” The senator dropped to the floor and spun like a top on his back.

    Another republican senator expressed outrage of being branded enemies of progress. “The dems keep saying we are the party of ‘no.’ Are we the party of no? N-O, no! We are not the party of no. Never have been. No, no, no, no!”

    A democratic congressman began an impassioned speech in favor of the House healthcare bill. He lifted the 1,990- page document to punctuate his point, screamed in agony “I’ve ripped a groin muscle!” and toppled over hitting his head on a table. Politicians from both parties huddled around their wounded compatriot. “Thank goodness we have a terrific healthcare system,” one lawmaker was heard to say. “Someone should call an ambulance. A solid gold one.”

    Another lawmaker shouted, “Hey, you guys want to grab a steak and lobster dinner, maybe get some Johnnie Walker Blue– I’ve got a passel of lobbyists waiting outside with platinum AmEx cards at the ready!”

    With that, the room emptied as the injured politician bled. A coyote howled in the distance.

  • Political Parties Dissolve, Sponsorship Evolves

    As a result of the recent Supreme Court ruling permitting unlimited election finance support of politicians and political causes by corporations, unions and special interest groups, the venerable Democratic and Republican parties are dissolving in favor of direct politician sponsorship.

    This means that soon you may see politicians carry designations like, Goldman Sachs, Exxon Mobil, MetLife, FreedomWorks, Boeing, AMA, Bank of America, NEA, Lockheed Martin, KBR, Novartis, General Electric, Citi and DuPont.

    Politicians scramble to find corporate sponsors.
    “Thank goodness for this new ruling,” said a senior senator who demanded anonymity, “we can finally do what we’ve been doing for years– sucking from the corporate teat and letting them guide our hands in writing legislation they can profit by. Now we can do it without the charade of having to debate issues and causes with arcane notions like justice and equality. We can openly allow corporate fascism to rule enabling us to better serve our corporate overlords without the hindrance of the so-called people. Sure, we need them for their votes, but that’s about it. After the election, they just get in the way of things. There’s no need for people in a democracy like ours.”

    Asked if this new corporate sponsorship will be like NASCAR sponsorship– with large corporate logos displayed on uniforms, the senator responded angrily, “Don’t be preposterous. That would be tacky. We’ll simply wear lapel pins with tasteful logos to show our sponsor support. We’re not whorish shills, you know.”

    Financial companies are elated with the new ruling. “Now we can really help the country with some of our innovative financial ideas,” said a high ranking official who threatened death to this reporter if his identity was disclosed. “Years ago we had to maneuver and work backroom deals to get things like the Glass-Steagall Act overturned. That allowed us to gamble with the housing market finances. Now we don’t have to be so secretive, we can be open about lining the pockets of lawmakers to get laws that favor us without bothersome government oversight or restrictions. If our financial ideas fail, who cares– taxpayers will bail us out. The Supreme Court’s recently ruling ensures a much more transparent buying of politicians, and frankly, what could be more American than that?”

    With that, the Wall Street bigwig lit a Cuban Monte Cristo cigar with a burning $1,000 bill and exclaimed, “Hrrrrummmph!”

  • Pity Poor AIG

    Being bad has its rewards
    Losing gobs of money has its rewards

        Americans own 80% of some company called AIG, which I believe stands for Assets Instantly Gone. We’ve taken almost $200 billion of our taxpayer money and shoveled it into this black hole that has lost trillions.

        Now these same inconsiderate American taxpayers are bellyaching because the brainiacs running AIG were paid a paltry $165 million in bonuses. We’re mad as hell and we want our money back!

        What a nation of ingrates we are!

        It takes brains, skill and dogged determination to mismanage funds the way these devoted AIG fatcats did. They did this all without much government oversight or regulation.

        Now many of the same politicians who accepted financial industry lobbyist funds in election support, then passed laws to deregulate the industry so that companies like AIG could engage in risky speculation, are griping and finger pointing saying that AIG gambled foolishly and came up snake eyes. They say AIG is so enormous, we have to bail them out. Then these politicians get angry because AIG bigwigs are giving themselves a bonus bump for losing at the craps table.

        Hey, if we want them to continue their excellent work, we’ve got to pay the piper. This kind of money-flushing costs money! 

    You've got to pay the piper, babes!
    You've got to pay the piper, babes!

         If we don’t reward these people, if we tried to once again place government regulations in place that would restrict risky speculative gambling schemes, this company could actually make money! 

        And if that happened,  politicians wouldn’t have a boogie man to blame after they approved the bailout, our tax money would be spent on things that benefit society at large and our children and future generations would not have to live under the burden of gigundo debts to pay back. How’s that supposed to teach them character and grit? 

        $165 million is a drop in the bucket for all the benefits we receive from our AIG. This is our company, let’s do the right thing. 

        Maybe we should consider giving them raises, too.