The Lint Screen

Tag: Popeye

  • Popeye Busted For Harshing Bluto’s Mellow

    Popeye has trouble controlling his emotions.
    Popeye has trouble controlling his emotions.

    Popeye, the sailor man, has been arrested and jailed following a savage beating of his nemesis, Bluto, who was hospitalized and pressed charges.

    “I wasn’t doing nothing,” Bluto said. “I’ve been dealing with my anger management issues for the past ten months. I changed to a vegan diet, I’m drinking soy milk, meditating, getting therapy, listening to Yanni and lighting Yankee Candles. I’m feeling chill. So, I was just sitting at a table minding my own business when Popeye comes in and accuses me of hitting on his gal, Olive Oyl. Right, me hitting on her. Anyway, I stand up and before I could open my yap, the pipe-smokin’ bully starts giving me a facial with his fists. I’m tellin’ ya, that guy’s got some serious rage issues.”

    An emergency medical team was dispatched to care for the burly mountain of a man as police worked to subdue the raging sailor. “Popeye looked like he was really whacked out on the green,” reported police chief Hank E. Samppy. “He reeked of the leafy stuff. The guy had to be a couple cans to the wind.”

    Olive Oyl told The Lint Screen that Popeye has been very depressed lately. “He’s been upset because Bluto’s been so mellow. He said he needed an adversary and it wasn’t fair. Said it’d be like Tom and Jerry having a peace accord. Popeye didn’t feel it was natural.”

    Asked to comment on his violent explosion, Popeye said, “Look, I yam what I yam. Wanna make something of it, punk?”

  • The Ugly Horror of Fatz

     

    Behold the glory of what was...
    Behold the glory of what once was.

       As roadside attractions go, it’s hard to top the Gaffney Peach, conveniently located by Interstate-85 in Gaffney, South Carolina. Constructed in 1981, it’s a million dollar water storage tank that’s shaped like… get this… a PEACH!

       It’s a wondrous sight when one is zipping along trying to avoid the long radar arm of Johnnie Law. This large peach on the horizon is the sort of thing that brings angels to tears and makes puppy fur feel softer. It’s a middle finger thrown to the traveling residents of Georgia, the alleged “peach state”, claiming the crown for South Carolina.

        But tragically, last year this glorious monument was sullied, spoiled and shat upon by a Fatz Cafe erected in its shadow with a hideous neon sign obstructing the magnificent view of peachy water tankery. Makes me want to puke my spleen.

    The peach of my eye is poked.
    The peach of my eye is poked.
    The sin, the shame, the injustice of it all!
    The sin, the shame, the injustice of it all!

       Now I’ve never eaten at a Fatz Cafe and I assure you that I never will after what they’ve done. They have soiled a monument, a national treasure. It’s like drawing a black marker mustache on the Mona Lisa or putting Popeye arms on Venus de Milo. Fatz has ruined a work of art.

       I hope you’re happy, Fatz Cafe, you Fatz Catz, for marring the jewel of I-85. My heart goes out to all Gaffney’s children (all motorists are Gaffney’s children). Boo hoo hoo hoo, woe be we.