The Lint Screen

Tag: Sam Merchant

  • Paws Claims Pickles May Be Amish Beard Clipper

    Has Ms. Pickles been clipping Amish beards and gathering the whiskers in a wagon?
    In a press conference today, Sam Merchant, campaign manager for adorable puppy presidential candidate, Santy Paws, said that rival candidate, a lovable monkey named Ms. Pickles, may be responsible for the recent Amish beard clipping incidents in Ohio.

    “Lookit here, people, I ain’t she did do it or she didn’t do it,” said a visibly agitated Merchant, “all’s I’m saying is that the little monkey has yet to deny having done the heinous acts, while my candidate categorically denies any involvement whatsoever in any Amish beard shenanigans! Come to think of it, I haven’t heard Ms. Pickles state for the record that she is not an Islamic terrorist sent here to bring down democracy. And she ain’t said nothing about not being a Nazi or having ancestors who were involved with the assassinations of Abe Lincoln and JFK, or that Scope’s monkey trial where those apes had minty breath and vicious scorn for all things decent! All’s I’m saying is that there’s a lot we don’t know about this Ms. Pickles character, and I don’t want the voting public to get hoodwinked into buying a pig in the poke.”

    The Pickles campaign said that they were “too busy with barn raisings” to respond to the allegations at this time.

  • Pickles Claims Paws Defiled Fire Hydrant

    Did Santy Paws leave a special present here?
    A new political firestorm is sweeping the nation as the campaign for lovable money, Ms. Pickles, accused competing candidate, adorable puppy, Santy Paws, of urinating on a fire hydrant in Lancaster, Pennsylvania.

    “It is absolutely outrageous that a creature capable of such a disgusting, despicable act is seeking the highest office in the land,” said a visibly upset Dan Gruthers, campaign manager for Ms. Pickles. “We’ve seen this candidate eat a competitor at a debate, now we’re witness to his brazen acts of bodily functions against our sainted firefighters–– it is an affront to the American way of civilized life! We cannot live in a country where our leaders leave liquid reminders of where they’ve been.”

    “Tell the Pickles people to get their panties unknotted,” said Santy Paws campaign manager, Sam Merchant. “These claims are completely baseless and are obviously the attempt of a frightened competitor to bloody the nose of a far superior fighter. Santy Paws categorically denies ever having known or visited the fire hydrant in question. Now see here, if Pickles wants to play hard ball, we’ll play hard ball with that lice-ridden little ape. We ain’t saying bupkis on this matter no more!”

  • Non-Human Candidates To Debate

    The non-humans will square-off in upcoming historic debate
    Try as they may, Santy Paws, the adorable puppy, Ms. Pickles, the lovable monkey and Carl The Chameleon, the colorful lizard, cannot get the same media attention granted human presidential candidates. And since the humans are having 1,238 televised debates that they are not allowing non-human candidates to compete in, the ‘critter crew’ is creating its own debate that will be carried Tuesday night on Animal Planet.

    Dan Gruthers, the campaign manager for Ms. Pickles, said that obviously humans were afraid on the new presidential candidates. “If we keep sending humans to The White House, we’re going to keep getting the same results. It’s time we shook things up. I can promise America all kinds of memorable hijinks if the electorate sends Ms. Pickles to the oval office. Why, just imagine the kooky mayhem of having a monkey in the most powerful seat in the land!” said Gruthers doubling over with laughter.

    Sam Merchant, campaign manager for Santy Paws promised a debate with lots of fireworks. “Santy make look cute, but you’re going to see a vicious killer. The leader America needs in these dangerous times where we could all go up in a mushroom cloud at any moment.”

    Sandy Oceans, campaign manager for Carl The Chameleon is confident his candidate will do well in the upcoming debate. “My guy is nothing if not adaptable.”

    The Lint Screen will report from the debate because it’s just that kind of a dedicated news organization.

  • Paws Tells Tuggles He’ll “Bring It But Good”

    Merchant says Paws will play for keeps
    Adorable presidential pup contender, Santy Paws, is not going to back down from the cute kitty presidential candidate, Mr. Tuggles.

    In response to Jerry Ossenwold, Mr. Tuggles’s campaign manager who recently challenged the puppy to “bring it,” Santy Paws’s campaign manager Sam Merchant says, “Oh, he’ll bring it, bring it but good! Santy will bring it so hard that that kitten won’t know what hit him. We’ll show those wisenheimers, we mean business. They looking for a fight? Well Santy Paws and me have just one thing to say, here, kitty, kitty. Here kitty, kitty–– Santy Paws has a nice present for you!”

    With that, Sam Merchant begin twirling two brass balls in the palm of his right hand as his left hand crunched a walnut. The campaign manager then ate the walnut, shell and all, and laughed maniacally.