Sam Merchant

Paws Claims Pickles May Be Amish Beard Clipper

by

Come to think of it, I haven’t heard Ms. Pickles state for the record that she is not an Islamic terrorist sent here to bring down democracy. And she ain’t said nothing about not being a Nazi or having ancestors who were involved with the assassinations of Abe Lincoln and JFK, or that Scope’s monkey trial where those apes had minty breath and vicious scorn for all things decent!

Pickles Claims Paws Defiled Fire Hydrant

by

A new political firestorm is sweeping the nation as the campaign for lovable money, Ms. Pickles, accused competing candidate, adorable puppy, Santy Paws, of urinating on a fire hydrant in Lancaster, Pennsylvania. “It is absolutely outrageous that a creature capable of such a disgusting, despicable act is seeking the highest office in the land,” said … Read more

Non-Human Candidates To Debate

by

Try as they may, Santy Paws, the adorable puppy, Ms. Pickles, the lovable monkey and Carl The Chameleon, the colorful lizard, cannot get the same media attention granted human presidential candidates. And since the humans are having 1,238 televised debates that they are not allowing non-human candidates to compete in, the ‘critter crew’ is creating … Read more

Paws Tells Tuggles He’ll “Bring It But Good”

by

Adorable presidential pup contender, Santy Paws, is not going to back down from the cute kitty presidential candidate, Mr. Tuggles. In response to Jerry Ossenwold, Mr. Tuggles’s campaign manager who recently challenged the puppy to “bring it,” Santy Paws’s campaign manager Sam Merchant says, “Oh, he’ll bring it, bring it but good! Santy will bring … Read more