The Lint Screen

Tag: Sandy Oceans

  • Non-Human Candidates To Debate

    The non-humans will square-off in upcoming historic debate
    Try as they may, Santy Paws, the adorable puppy, Ms. Pickles, the lovable monkey and Carl The Chameleon, the colorful lizard, cannot get the same media attention granted human presidential candidates. And since the humans are having 1,238 televised debates that they are not allowing non-human candidates to compete in, the ‘critter crew’ is creating its own debate that will be carried Tuesday night on Animal Planet.

    Dan Gruthers, the campaign manager for Ms. Pickles, said that obviously humans were afraid on the new presidential candidates. “If we keep sending humans to The White House, we’re going to keep getting the same results. It’s time we shook things up. I can promise America all kinds of memorable hijinks if the electorate sends Ms. Pickles to the oval office. Why, just imagine the kooky mayhem of having a monkey in the most powerful seat in the land!” said Gruthers doubling over with laughter.

    Sam Merchant, campaign manager for Santy Paws promised a debate with lots of fireworks. “Santy make look cute, but you’re going to see a vicious killer. The leader America needs in these dangerous times where we could all go up in a mushroom cloud at any moment.”

    Sandy Oceans, campaign manager for Carl The Chameleon is confident his candidate will do well in the upcoming debate. “My guy is nothing if not adaptable.”

    The Lint Screen will report from the debate because it’s just that kind of a dedicated news organization.

  • Colorful Character Declares Candidacy

    Carl The Chameleon throws his multi-colored hat into the ring. Handguns fire in celebration!
    Although Mr. Tuggles exited the presidential race, a new candidate has stepped forward with grand ambitions: Carl The Chameleon.

    “This is tremendous news for the nation,” said campaign manager, Sandy Oceans in a press conference held in Portland, Oregon this morning. “This 2012 campaign already has a Newt, but now it has a lizard that people can really believe in. One that can change its colors to fit the environment perfectly. And, a candidate with stereoscopic eyes to boldly see a future where we all can live in economic prosperity and jobs aplenty! Two, three, four jobs for everyone! A couple of ’em six figure babies, to boot! And get a load of this– whatever the voters want, they will most certainly get– with a cherry on top– because that’s the kind of government Carl The Chameleon believes in! And let me tell you, you won’t be getting that from any poopy puppy or mangy monkey, no siree! All they’ll do is give you empty promises. Carl The Chameleon will deliver results beautifully!”

    A crowd of hundreds applauded loudly and shot off handguns in joyous celebration. The competing campaign camps for Santy Paws and Ms. Pickles did not return phone calls for commentary on Carl The Chameleon’s candidacy, nor was there any word from Newt’s people.