Tiger tries recalling the women of his championship seasonsRecently divorced golf legend Tiger Woods is on the prowl for some old female companionship.
A man who claims he knows Tiger very, very well and swears that he is not a liar, reports that the megastar golfer is frustrated with both his golf game and his love life. “When Tiger was married, he had ladies stashed all over the tour and his golf game was never better. Now, he’s divorced, been trying to be a good two-shoes and having troubles on the course. So, Tiger’s decided to start trying to remember which extracurricular woman he was with at which tournament–– because obviously she was his ‘lucky lady’ and that will help him to find his golfing groove. If he can just get back into his old routine, he’s confident he can get back into his winning ways and his march towards the record books as the greatest golfer ever, if not the greatest lovin’ golfer ever!”
When asked about Tiger’s swing, the confidant became agitated. “Of course Tiger swings. What, have you been in a cave the past year?! Cripes a-loo, you must be an idiot!”
Journalists are not uncaring robots. This reporter wept silently and walked away.
Do Tiger’s new texts prove he’s Hubby of The Year? Could be. The guy’s a gem!Tiger Woods has been combatting a flurry of bad press concerning the explicit text messages he allegedly sent porn star Joslyn James over a nine week period last year during their alleged torrid sexual affair. In a surprising development, just before the Masters Golf Tournament, someone in Tiger’s inner circle of confidants has leaked a new set of texts allegedly sent by Mr. Woods to an unnamed person that may prove the world’s greatest golfer is a lovesick husband devoted to his wife– not some perv creepazoid. The anonymous source said Tiger would be greatly upset if these texts were made public, but, the associate feels the truth is more important than Tiger’s fragile feelings.
Here are the newly released texts.
Tiger:Sent: 1:06 PM 8/4/2009:
Been thinking a lot about breakfast cereals. Think I like Frosted Flakes best– could be the whole Tiger feeling bro-love for Tony The Tiger LOL Froot Loops is a close second.
Tiger:Sent: 1:07 PM 8/4/2009:
Changed my mind. Froot Loops is da bomb. Frosted Flakes make my teeth hurt. Too sweet!
Tiger:Sent: 1:08 PM 8/4/2009:
Who am I kidding? I mix Frosted Flakes WITH Froot Loops. I call it “Tiger’s Tony The Tiger Froot Loopty-Doo Mash-Up!”
Tiger:Sent: 2:03 PM 8/4/2009:
I love my wife so much;-) I would never ever cheat on her. EVER!
Tiger:Sent: 8:16 PM 8/5/2009:
Cantalope or honeydew for morning melon? Cantalope for me. But not if it’s too ripe. If it’s mushy, it’s in the garbage. Tiger don’t play that. End of discussion.
Tiger:Sent: 10:06 AM 8/10/2009:
I sure do love my wife a whole bunch. Gonna send her flowers, candy, box of diamonds and a luxury SUV with premium sound system. Maybe even a crate of Omaha Steaks!
Tiger:Sent: 7:06 AM 8/14/2009:
Was thinking about that guy Marconi who invented the radio, and how close his name was to ‘macaroni’, but he didn’t invent THAT cuz everyone knows it was done by Yankee Doodle Dandy sticking a feather in his hat and everything. Hey, I love my wife!
Tiger:Sent: 5:43 PM 8/16/2009:
Before I putt, I like to think about how much my wife means to me:-} Man, I love that woman! Makes me wanna write poetry…
Tiger:Sent: 9:11 PM 8/20/2009:
Fidelity is important in sound systems and marriage. I’m as true fidelity to my wife as possible, and that ‘sounds’ like the key to a long, successful, divorce-free marriage{:-)
Tiger:Sent: 2:41 AM 8/23/2009:
Having trouble sleeping. Miss my wife. Sting was right– the bed’s too big without her. I love my cupcake so much it hurts when I’m not with her:-)(
Tiger:Sent: 10:36 PM 8/28/2009:
Played golf today and found three balls– almost new!!! I love when that happens, but not as much as I love my wife:-)
Tiger:Sent: 7:12 PM 9/2/2009:
Forgiveness is the most important quality anyone can have, and I married a woman who is rich in forgiveness. It’s what makes her so lovable to me– her ability to forgive anything I may do no matter what! She’s got a huge forgiving heart and I really love her ;-})
Tiger:Sent: 10:30 PM 9/8/2009:
I hope no one EVER reads these text messages… they’re kind of embarrassing cuz they make me sound pretty head over heels for my terrific wife who I love so much. But what the heck, I am! I love my wife, love my wife, love my wife and that’s the TRUTH!
Tiger:Sent: 7:51 PM 9/14/2009:
Did I mention I love my wife? I do, I really do and would NEVER chase skanks because I want to stay married to my wonderful wife and not go through an expensive, messy divorce. These texts are on the level. Seriously– straight up on the level.
Tiger’s new wingman majored in bro-codeMany people were not surprised when it was announced that Tiger Woods would play in the upcoming Masters Golf Tournament, but the latest Tiger news may stun the world off its ever-loving spinning axis: Tiger has selected Jesse James as his official ‘Wingman’ during his Augusta stay.
“Tiger’s a master at the Masters,” said Ernie Whintfee, Augusta guy’s guy. “He’s put up some good scores at Augusta National and some great scores around the Augusta night scene. But Tiger knows he needs help this year after all the press he’s gotten, so he’s recruited Jesse as his wingman when he makes his August rounds. There’s quite a field this year with a really cute waitress working at Chili’s and some real babes working the Outback. With Jesse at his side, Tiger gets an experienced wingman, an operator in his own right, and a dude who knows the bro-code through and through. Tig and Jess will be a dynamic duo that’ll be tough to beat.”
Jesse is in dutch with his ball ‘n chain, Oscar-winning actress Sandra Bullock, for allegedly having sexual relations (the legal term is “hankious-pankious”) with tattoo model Michelle “Bombshell” McGee and allegedly other women he’s not married to. “Jesse’s got a lot of free time on his hands,” said Mr. Whintfee, “and if he can help Tiger, he’s determined to do so. That’s the kind of stand-up dude he is.”
Sandra Bullock is rumored to have an Oscar she wants to personally deliver to Jesse’s skull, and Tiger’s wife, Elin, reportedly has a 7-iron in hand that may hinder Tiger’s successful return to Augusta.
Tiger bares his soul to all.In a Lint Screen exclusive, we have obtained the transcript for the news conference being held by Tiger Woods later today, three months after his admission of infidelity.
“Hello, and thank you for coming here today, and what a beautiful day it is. I remember when I was a kid, I loved a warm, sunny day. I’d lie out in the yard and look up the sky and watch the clouds go by. Some clouds had interesting shapes. I’ll never forget, I once saw a cloud shaped like a walrus. It had tusks and everything. ‘Tusks’ is a funny word, isn’t it? Anyway, if the clouds didn’t have interesting shapes, I’d like to imagine the clouds were strands of cotton candy. We have any cotton candy fans out there?! I’m with you. I love cotton candy, especially the blue kind. You know, I’ve been think about this for three months now and I’ve got to say, blue might just be my favorite color. Seriously. I mean, sure, I love green, but there’s something just a bit more calming about blue. You know, the sky, the water, my Porsche– all beautiful and all blue. There, I said it. Blue is my favorite color, followed by green then maybe red, but, you know, the more I’ve think about it, I’ve got to say red is a very distant third. In fact, scratch red. I don’t think you should hold me to three colors. I’m just going blue, number one… green, number two. But blue’s the clear winner. No doubt. But if I didn’t have blue as a choice, I’d take green in a heartbeat. Green’s cool, but I just prefer blue, that’s all I’m saying. Anyway, thanks for coming and please, no questions. No questions, thank you very much.”
Not content with being the world’s greatest golfer, Tiger Woods now wants to secure the “World’s Greatest Husband” novelty coffee mug by buying his wife, Elin, a $2-3 million 61-foot sporting boat.
World’s Greatest Hubby? Yes!“Tiger’s just a romantic fool,” gushed a close friend of the family, “he’s cuckoo-cuckoo for Elin and so he wanted to give her a Valentine’s gift for the ages. He’s so crazy for her he hasn’t even slept with another woman for a couple days. The guy is just incredible with his determination, dedication and focus. Amazing!”
“Man, what chance do I have?,” said a depressed Bill Trailleybud of Ashville, North Carolina, “I got my wife a romantic dinner, some earrings and even suffered sitting through that Valentine’s Day movie– but I look like a cheapskate, unromantic cretin compared to Tiger. I mean, come on, even if I bought the wife a bass boat, I’d look like a jerk. Tiger’s just putting it in the face of all men. I’ll bet he didn’t have to see Valentine’s Day!”
“Tiger’s just got game,” said the close family friend. “When he plays, he plays to win. What a guy!”
Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, the 23-year old Nigerian terrorist who tried blowing up a Detroit-bound airliner on Christmas day, has received a fruit basket from a newfound fan: Tiger Woods.A sweet little something for terror dude from his new fan.Woods is appreciative to the terrorist wannabe for grabbing headlines and diverting attention away from Tiger’s numerous sexcapade scandals that have dominated the 24-hour news cycle since Thanksgiving.
“Tiger is a generous man,” said a spokesperson who asked to remain anonymous for fear of retribution and broken limbs. “He needed someone to take the heat off him and this pants-on-fire dude fit the bill perfectly. Tiger’s hoping he gets all the spotlights and ink he can stand.”
In addition to the lovely fruit basket (complete with pears, apples, oranges and other fancy fruits– plus little Dove chocolates), Tiger included an autographed 8″ x 10″ glossy along with some very candid shots of a few of his lady friends.
“Tiger is a extremely generous man,” the silent spokesperson said. “Please don’t tell him I said anything. Please!”
