And On The Eighth Day, God Gave Us Trump

Move over, Israelites, you are no longer God’s chosen people. For according to evangelical truth tellers Jerry Falwell, Jr., Rev. Franklin Graham, and Sarah Sanders, the Good Lord has bestowed President Donald J. Trump upon America, so naturally, we are the chosen ones.

“God knows what He is doing,” Falwell told The Lint Screen. “That is why He made Donald Trump our leader with a landslide election victory. And the Lord commanded His masses to show up in record numbers to President Trump’s inauguration and hear his wise and inspiring sermon from the mount. And I pray God will soon smite Robert Mueller and put a pox on the houses of crooked justice for casting stones at our president with their evil witch hunts and second guessing of his glorious beliefs.”

“We are truly blessed,” added Rev. Graham. “We have a leader known for impeccable integrity. A figure of irrefutable morality. Yes, he has had many affairs, paying alms to illicit women for their silence. And of course, he has cheated workers and hired illegals to do his bidding. Also, he has bamboozled many innocents and sheered his flock. Then there is the fact of his incessant lying and pratcice of con artmanship. But who among us has not succumbed to the enticing allure of Satan? We are all sinners and it is our duty to forgive our president, a mere mortal. I forgive the president for his human failings and I am thankful we have him as our moral weathervane.”

Falwell picked up the praise. “Donald Trump is known for his empathy and compassion for the less fortunate. If he is attacked, he always turns the other cheek. He is humble, contrite, and egoless. President Trump is the teachings of Jesus brought to life, dressed in a handsome dark suit and necktie blessed with extraordinary length. He walks our Earth for the good of all, using his big brain to dispense his wise teachings. And have you seen his teeth? So pearly white! He sports a perpetual tan and perfect hair. And his wife? Va-va-va-voom! She is one hottie who knows a good thing when she sees it!”

“God gave us the president,” Sarah Sanders said. “It is my privilege to bring his word to the American people and defend him against the Philistines who have worshipped false gods like Obama, a Kenyan Muslim who tried to destroy America by bringing healthcare to its citizens. And those who cast stones because our president consults privately with President Putin, they should be ashamed. We all must trust in Trump for he is God’s instrument of redemption for humanity.”

“And how about a wall for him?” Rev. Graham asked. “If Jerusalem has a wall, why can’t we? It is God’s will! God loves a good wall.”

“Amen, brother,” Falwell said.

“Let us pray,” Sanders said as they three bowed their heads and chanted “Trump help us” repeatedly.