The Lint Screen

Tuggles Accused of Hanky Panky

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PD Scullin

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Mysterious kitty claims Mr. Tuggles did "very bad things."
The presidential campaign for cute kitten candidate, Mr. Tuggles, was rocked today when a mysterious female cat came forward and claimed that the precious prez-would-be feline “did bad, bad things” during a relationship with her.

The whistleblower cat would not detail specifics of what exactly Mr. Tuggles did, but she said, “they were definitely bad things. Very, very bad things. Kind of nasty, really.”

The Mr. Tuggles campaign was in Iowa promising corn farmers heavy subsidies and shiny new cars and 42-room mansions for growing their corn “high as an elephant’s eye.” Jerry Ossenwold, campaign manager for the Mr. Tuggles campaign, said the allegations were “outrageous and slanderous.”

“I’ll just bet that miserable mutt or stupid monkey are behind this,” said Ossenwold referring to other presidential candidates, adorable puppy, Santy Paws, and lovable monkey, Ms. Pickles. “This is dirty politics at its worst. That cat making these wild claims against Mr. Tuggles isn’t even that hot,” said Ossenwold, “I mean, come on, Tuggles could do way better than that cat,” Ossenwold said as he spat to the ground in disgust and kicked up a cloud of dust that blinded many reporters.

There was no comment made by either campaign camps for Santy Paws or Ms. Pickles.

Comments

6 responses to “Tuggles Accused of Hanky Panky”

  1. Curvin ORielly Avatar
    Curvin ORielly

    Of all the hare-brained accusations I’ve ever heard in my years of following presidential politics, it’s clear to me that Mr. Tuggles is being sandbagged by an enormous, perfectly perfidious hairball. And that kind of thing, quite frankly, just doesn’t belong in a political race at any level, least of all one for the presidency.

    This unnamed female cat who says Mr. Tuggles did “very, very bad things” with her, for example – Who is she? What’s the nature of the “bad things” he did? Why doesn’t she come forward?

    Hiding in a dark closet, under a bed or behind a couch is unacceptable. She should tell her story on national TV, perhaps on Anderson Cooper’s daytime show. He’s got the gravitas to get to the bottom of the big story. He’s also trying to bring human interest stories to viewers. This story, of course, is both.

    (P.S. Mr. Tuggles is promising Iowa voters 42-room mansions? That’s nice. I’ll support him, even with the nasty hairballs flying, for a three-bedroom penthouse apartment overlooking Central Park in New York City. I’ll grow heavily-subsidized corn on the deck that can be harvested and used for high fructose corn syrup or ethanol. If the corn is especially good, I’ll sell it to New York City’s fine restaurants or at local farmer’s markets.)

  2. Kitty Avatar
    Kitty

    Anderson Cooper has a daytime show? I think that’s one of the signs of the Apocalypse. The other is Patrick’s third hip replacement.

  3. admin Avatar
    admin

    Curvin, if you can keep those Iowa corn farmers happy, you’re on the road to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

    I agree, wild claims have no place in politics, except in political advertising.

  4. admin Avatar
    admin

    Yes, four horsemen on the horizon, Kitty– and at least one of them is limping.

  5. Curvin ORielly Avatar
    Curvin ORielly

    Anderson goes daytime…
    http://newyork.ibtimes.com/articles/200250/20110818/anderson-cooper-giggle-cnn-gerard-depardieu-pee-ridiculist.htm

  6. admin Avatar
    admin

    He’s the one known for wearing tee shirts, right?

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