The winner of the Iowa caucuses in the nonhuman presidential campaign is out to prove he’s no softy when it comes to foreign policy. Bag of Fritos released a statement today promising to “blow Iran to hell and back with nuclear bombs” if it is elected president.

“My diplomacy is do as I say or die. Any questions, Ahmadinejad? And China, you’re next. ‘Tear down that wall’–– of I’ll make it and you go up in a mushroom cloud! And listen up, little man in North Korea, I wasn’t afraid of your daddy and I ain’t afraid of you. Get in line toot-sweet or you’ll feel my disappointment as your face melts into your tiny hands. Same to you, Putin. You may have been elected leader, but trust me, you don’t want me stuffing your ballot box. In fact, all you foreigners best suck up quick after I’m sent to the White House!”