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Santy Paws Promises to “Fix” Americans

Written by

PD Scullin

in

,

Is Santy Paws out to help humans or out for revenge?
Recently, Big Ol’ Slab o’ Granite, the winner of the New Hampshire nonhuman presidential primary, came out with a stern social plan proposing a sex registry for human beings. Now, an opposing candidate, a precious puppy named Santy Paws, is going him one better by proposing to get all Americans “fixed” so they do not have to worry about sex.

In a statement released to reporters earlier today, Santy Paws claimed, “If elected, I will have all human males neutered and all females spayed. There will be no need for contraception and Satan will be less likely to take root in sin-infested loins. My opponent wants to take half measures, but I want to make the nation a safer, less sinful place for all. I will fix America by getting all Americans fixed!”

A reporter asked Santy Paws spokesperson, Clyde Ruverington, if this proposal was retaliation for the dog being neutered last month. Ruverington angrily replied, “No comment.”

Comments

5 responses to “Santy Paws Promises to “Fix” Americans”

  1. Curvin ORielly Avatar
    Curvin ORielly

    Ouch! Moreover, how will the next generation of Americans be born if the current generation is fixed? I’m not opposed to fixing if the fixing rids the country of its idiots.

  2. admin Avatar
    admin

    Unfortunately, the proposal does nothing about our current crop of morons, only protects us from future generations.

    Perhaps the puppy needs some sage political consulting– the high priced kind!

  3. Curvin ORielly Avatar
    Curvin ORielly

    Here’s an answer. A large party of dogs surrounding voting stations on election day. All of the dogs would be foaming at the mouth. Those who couldn’t summon the courage to walk by the dogs would have their voting cards taken away. Those who could man up to the dogs would be allowed to vote. It’s not perfect, but at least it’s a start.

  4. admin Avatar
    admin

    It is a good proposal, Curvin, one that will ensure the survival of the bravest, but if these people have been ‘fixed’ it will all be for naught. When they die, so dies our future.

    Somehow procreation has gotten a bad name. It’s a pickle

  5. Nonhuman Candidates Embrace Strip Searches « The Lint Screen

    […] “We need to discover where people are hiding their nasty parts and fix them,” said a spokesperson of Santy Paws, the adorable puppy who proposes “fixing” Americans. […]

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