Nonhuman Candidates Embrace Strip Searches


"Hello, citizen, let’s get to know you better!"

The Supreme Court’s recent 5-4 decision allowing law enforcement officers to conduct strip searches for even minor offenses has been greeted with enthusiasm by the entire slate of nonhuman presidential candidates.

“I suspect many criminals are naked beneath their clothes. What exactly are they trying to hide?” said IBM brainy computer, Watson. “Let’s find out!”

“We need to discover where people are hiding their nasty parts and fix them,” said a spokesperson of Santy Paws, the adorable puppy who proposes “fixing” Americans.

“I just like seeing naked people,” said bag of Fritos.

“I’ve got a development deal with Fox for a reality series of cops conducting strip searches,” said Big Ol’ Slab o’ Granite. “It’s going to do huge ratings.”

And Ms. Pickles, the lovable monkey, says that she’d like to strip search the Supreme Court. “What are they hiding beneath those big black robes? Could be anything. Let’s see justice served and have a thorough look-see!”


6 responses to “Nonhuman Candidates Embrace Strip Searches”

  1. Strip searches? What’s wrong with a strip search? Sometimes it’s the highlight of a person’s Saturday night festivities. You have a couple beers. Pretty soon for seemingly no reason at all you’re pulled over by the cops and you find your dangler dangling for all to see. No problem if your dangler is a dangler people won’t laugh at. Frankly, if you’re worried your dangler will make you the butt of jokes, you’ll just have to mind your P’s and Q’s. Not to be boastful about it, I think I can be a scofflaw.

  2. I don’t mind the strip searches as much as I mind the music they play while they’re doing it.

    TOO MUCH BASS!!!

  3. And sometimes strip searches are conducted in places that are just too damned cold.

  4. Congress should establish minimum standards for strip searches. The Conservative and Liberal sides of the aisle need something new to argue about.

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