Ever since he’s taken over the leadership of North Korea, Kim Jong Un has had a bug up his ass about something. He has been cranky and irritable, threatening nuclear destruction, war and total annihilation of the United States and South Korea. Now we know why.

It’s his hair.

The Lint Screen had an exclusive interview with Kim Jong Un, the man who millions call “The Greatest Human Who’s Ever Lived And A Even A Little Better Than God” (they say this freely, or they’re imprisoned or killed).

“I demand the U.S. open some Supercuts in North Korea,” said the agitated dictator. “I am sick and tired of these stupid rice bowl haircuts I’ve been getting ever since I was a kid. They make me look dorky. I’m a cool rock star, baby. I want a shag cut or something more modern. I also want a Dippin’ Dots, a Montgomery Ward’s, a Zenith television set and a vibrating massage chair from Brookstone– I need to unwind after a day of leading my people. Bring me my demands, Obama, or you and your country will suffer my wrath!”

Your move, Mr. President.