The National Security Agency reported today that it has launched a full scale investigation into a terrorist cell group located in the North Pole region.
“This could be huge,” said the unnamed source who stood in the shadows and spoke through a kazoo to scramble his voice.
The anonymous source said that the NSA has been monitoring “significant chatter” and “an avalanche of mail from children” being sent to the North Pole. “The weird thing is,” said the deep throat as he peeled a banana, “there isn’t even a post office there.” He then took a big bite of the banana. “Got to get my potassium.”
Asked if there were any details on when the terrorist group might strike, the shadowy figure shrouded himself in an invisibility cloak. “We’re pretty confident this group will mobilize on the evening of December 24.”
This reporter then heard footsteps running away before slipping on a banana peel. The intrepid reporter heard a body thump to the pavement and as a string of obscenities were shouted.
Dear Lint Screen,
I’ve grown to rely on you for reporting timely news and opinions but today I’m disappointed in your light hearted views on what could be a serious threat to our national security. Think about it. Evildoers could easily hijack a trusted, reliable system for distributing small packages throughout America and send who knows what right down your chimney! What better way to deliver dirty bombs, poison gas, alien cockroaches or cameras for spying on us hapless citizens in the privacy of our living rooms? Get serious Lint Screen!
Bill, frankly I’m confused. What exactly do you perceive to be “lighthearted views?”
“The Lint Screen” has a proud tradition of reporting facts and fact-like matters in a factual and fact-y way. It’s why this blog is read by so many world leaders and ambitious despots.
Also, you seem to be making a connection that we never reported. We did NOT imply the identity of the terrorist was one S. Claus. We know how litigious the old boy is, and we don’t want to be sued.
Thanks for your consideration and understanding in this important matter.
Bill, it looks like your hunch was correct! Congrats for having a nose for news.
http://goo.gl/EGMupS