The president called The Lint Screen today to air some grievances.
“Everyone is overreacting to my statements in Helsinki,” Donald J. Trump blasted over the phone. “They are going crazy about a statement I made that they didn’t like. They say it sounded like I didn’t support our intelligence agencies and they claim that I trust Putin more than our own government. It’s all fake news, people. If there was meddling, and who knows if there really was, who knows–– it could have been Russia or anyone else in the world. There are a whole lot of people in the world, believe me. More people than you can imagine. And they’re all suspects. And what about Hillary’s server? Where was it? The statement I made in Helsinki was not what I meant to say. It was the wrong word for what I wanted to say and it’s the fault of the English language. A very poor language. Teresa May should be blamed, it’s her country that invented the stupid English language. Words failed me horribly and that’s very unfair to a stable genius like me.”
We asked him what he talked about with Putin during his two-hour meeting.
“We had a terrific talk, very productive. It was the best talk ever between our nations, everyone says so. We exchanged nuclear codes. I’ll bet you didn’t know the Russian nuclear code is 1…2…3. But it is. Our nuclear codes are much better, they’re more complicated. Putin said he really liked our nuclear codes and he really likes me and thinks I’m doing a great job. He is very strong and powerful and smart–– a great leader like me. He said Russia did not interfere with our elections and I believe him because he was very sincere. I trust him completely. He agrees with me that Mueller is on the biggest witch hunt in history. Very unfair. He said there was no collusion. No collusion! And Putin offered to help us look into the alleged Russian hackers. That’s very kind, an incredible offer. I told him he could send a dozen or so of his best people and we’ll get them offices in the White House and the Pentagon. That made him very happy. He made me a secret agent and gave me a special badge to wear whenever I am in important meetings. I have a badge! We really got along, me and Putin, which is good for America. Before me, the U.S. was ready to get into nuclear wars with both Russia and North Korea. Everyone was terrified. But thanks to my incredible negotiating skills, Kim and Putin are on our side and promised they’d eliminate their nuclear stockpiles. I’m bringing world peace. I have a badge–– I am the sheriff of world peace. That should get me a Nobel Peace Prize. The fake news hates what a great job I’m doing.”