Match Game host Gene Rayburn famously said, “A door opens, you get kicked out that door, it slams behind you, but the door to a new world of opportunity opens up. That’s some crazy f’in sh*t!”
Witness former Attorney General Jeff Sessions. The diminutive pilot fish was recently killed by his shark, but he lives on happily.
“Now I have time to pursue the dream I always wanted,” Sessions told The Lint Screen. “I can become a stud porn star and give the public some good lovin’ and mighty fine fornication. I’m talking pre-marital sinning of biblical proportions, epic moves, hokey-pokey, and hanky-panky, for entertainment purposes! Whoooo-eeeeeeee!”
Sessions said starring in adult films has always been his ultimate goal.
“To me, politics has been a slight fork in the road. It’s a fluffer profession, the perfect preparation for making it in the porn world. This bad boy has fluffered more than his fair share–– now it’s time to show people that this old dog can learn some new tricks. I am ready for my close-up!”
The ex-Trump pal says that he was built for the pornography business. “Our Good Lord has endowed me with special gifts, and I’m eager to put my skills to the test. I want to expose my talent for all to see. I’ll give it all I’ve got, and then some.”
Sessions said he has no adult films booked at this time.
“My schedule’s wide open, porn producers, so give ol’ Jeffie Jeff a call and let’s get it on. My watch tells me it’s sexy time, baby! Who wants a piece of this,” Sessions said as he struck a provocative pose in his assless leather chaps, spiked dog collar, and ruby red French beret. “And I know how to French kiss, ladies,” Sessions said doing his best Gene Simmons.
“By the way, my porn name is ‘Rocks Offman’,” Sessions added. “Just wait until you see that name in the big lights!”