Month: January 2019

And On The Eighth Day, God Gave Us Trump

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Move over, Israelites, you are no longer God’s chosen people. For according to evangelical truth tellers Jerry Falwell, Jr., Rev. Franklin Graham, and Sarah Sanders, the Good Lord has bestowed President Donald J. Trump upon America, so naturally, we are the chosen ones. “God knows what He is doing,” Falwell told The Lint Screen. “That … Read more

Stone Vows To Keep His Yap Shut And Get A Loyalty Tat

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Roger Stone ain’t no stinkin’ rat! The recently arrested political consultant and Trump whisperer called The Lint Screen offices to give the 4-1-1. “Listen up, see?” Stone began the conversation, “I didn’t do nothin’ wrong, okay? Everything I did was all on the up and up, twenty-three skidoo and kosher. And the flatfoot gumshoes know … Read more

Wilbur Ross Calls Gov’t Shutdown Employees “Slackers”

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The U.S. Secretary of Commerce Wilbur Ross is frustrated with the state of the union. In an exclusive interview with The Lint Screen, the featured model for the month of March on the U.S. Cabinet “Nudie” Calendar spoke candidly about his views. “I keep hearing how bad these 800,000 furloughed government employees have it. Wah … Read more

Pelosi Discloses Her Plans To Destroy America

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If there’s one thing Speaker of The House Nancy Pelosi hates, it’s you. “I can’t stand America,” Pelosi told The Lint Screen. “The only thing I hate more is Americans. Especially the patriotic ones.” Indeed. The pixie of a woman is hellbent on the destruction of our great God-loving, flag-waving, MAGA hat-wearing nation. “Trump keeps … Read more

Giuliani Clarifies His Trump Defense Strategy

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President Trump’s personal legal beagle, Rudy Giuliani stopped by The Lint Screen offices this morning to clarify statements he made to CNN yesterday. “It’s outrageous how the lamestream liberal media is putting words in my mouth,” Rudy screamed, flashing his million-dollar smile and exuding studliness. “The president has never changed his position. Of course, some people … Read more

Borscht Or Burgers? Trump Goes American

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Prez decides to serve beefy football players beef-like burgers President Trump faced a difficult decision yesterday–– what to serve the college football champion Clemson Tigers during their White House celebration visit. “The president has excellent taste,” political advisor Stephen Miller told The Lint Screen. “He originally wanted to expand the palates of the players with … Read more