Most days in Washington, D.C. are as calm as a beautiful pond on a windless summer day. But today, an unfortunate incident threw the normally serene surroundings and refined dignity of the White House West Wing into a tizzy.

“It was awful,” Mick Mulvaney the White House Chief of Staff told The Lint Screen. “I was working at my desk when I heard a blood-curdling scream come from the presidential residence. It was almost 11, still early, and something had obviously put a bee in the big guy’s bonnet.”

Mulvaney shakes his head as he recounts the horror of that moment.

“I ran up the stairs lickety-split and rushed to the president’s quarters. Secret Service agents were already there with weapons drawn. When I charged into the living area, President Trump was in his Trump International Hotel bathrobe sitting on the floor sobbing. What’s the problem? I asked Kent, the head of the Secret Service detail. He looked me square in the eyes and said, ‘The worst thing imaginable. The batteries went dead in the president’s remote’.”

Mulvaney said, fortunately, White House security had prepared for this tragic day.

“Two special government power replacement agents were immediately dispatched to secure fresh batteries. The president was enraged while he waited. ‘It’s Iran who did this,’ he shouted. ‘I know it’s those damn bastards. First, they blow up Saudi oil refineries, now they’re trying to destroy America. Bring me the football. ! It’s time for them to get a taste of hell.’”

Mulvaney said President Trump was prepared to launch a nuclear missile attack on Iran in retaliation for their “ruthless battery strike” against the U.S.A.

“Fortunately, before the nuclear football was engaged, the power specialists returned with new Duracells and the TV remote batteries were changed. Ivanka came into the room and mopped her father’s forehead with a cool washcloth. ‘It’ll be fine, Papa,’ she said in a soothing, sexy voice as she stroked his hair. ‘It’s all good now, Papa. All good.’ The president thanked her and took the remote and began channel surfing. While he watched TV, everyone backed out of the residence slowly. The president needs his executive time. It’s how he’s able to be such a great president.”

Mulvaney smiled. “Crisis was averted.” His eyes darted about the room. “I wonder if the Iranians were behind this. Or, maybe the Democrats. Mike Pompeo needs to look into this.”