Betsy DeVos has never taught school. In fact, before becoming Secretary of Education, she had never attended a public school or sent her children to one, but that’s not stopping this Jesus-fueled fireball from deciding what’s best for America’s youth.

“I am fully on board with the president’s directive to get our kids back into school this fall–– coronavirus or not,” DeVos tells The Lint Screen. “And I’m happy to say when they do come, they will find some genuine excitement. We are getting rid of all those hard science classes!”

The Secretary of Education thinks science is not a subject that should be taught in public schools.

“So much of science is conjecture. Egghead hocus pocus,” DeVos says with a dismissive wave of her veiny paw. “I think it’s much more important children learn things that will help them lead better Christian lives–– and those valuable lessons are in The Good Book.”

Starting immediately, all science classes will be removed from the curriculum of public schools and replaced with Bible Studies. Science teachers will be burned at the stake.

“They’re heretics,” Devos says. She makes a sign of the cross, and continues.

“One of the reasons America is in such a state of moral decline is that kids don’t know the Bible,” DeVos states. “Instead, we’ve been filling their heads with silly ideas based on science. It’s the same kind of scientific thinking that wants people to give up their rights and wear a silly mask in a foolhardy attempt to hinder the spread of COVID-19. Are we supposed to exchange our freedom for the sake of science? Why? Hasn’t President Trump already assured us COVID-19 will magically disappear like a miracle?”

She laughs. “Let nerds wear their socialistic scientific masks; my money is on the president and The Good Lord to save this nation!”

DeVos thinks the downfall of America can be traced to science being taught in our public schools.

“The science crowd would have you believe the world is much, much older than 6,000 years,” she says. “Billions of years old, according to science. Balderdash! That’s just patently false. Go and grab your Bible, then do the math of the generations from Genesis. All those begats add up to about 6,000 years. The numbers don’t lie. Now, I don’t know about you, but I’ll put my faith in math over science–– and put my faith in God over all else!”

DeVos is also incensed by the idea of evolution.

“The science set thinks we descended from stinking monkeys, for Pete’s sake,” she chuckles. “I don’t know about you, but I sure didn’t. Heck, I don’t even like bananas.”

Welcome back, students–– and bless your little brains, Betsy DeVos is going to save your souls.

———————————————————————————————-

Enjoy PD Scullin’s entertaining debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus” ––  a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You are one click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.