Louis DeJoy had no experience with the United States Postal Service before President Trump named him Postmaster General in May, but you’d never know it by his decisive leadership.
“I like to shake things up,” the Republican Party fundraiser and ex-businessman said. “That means taking a fresh look at a problem. And as I analyzed what’s wrong with our postal system, a thunderbolt of genius hit me–– The Pony Express!”
The GOP shill smiles. “Sometimes, the old ways are the best ways. Our Pony Express system was very dependable–– except for when the Injuns were on the warpath and attacked them. Since we’ve put all the tribes on reservations with casinos, that’s no longer an issue. So, I don’t see any problem with returning to a Pony Express.”
DeJoy thinks a horse-run mail distribution system will smooth many of the problems faced by today’s postal service.
“One of the reasons delivering our mail takes so gosh darn long is traffic jams,” DeJoy says. “But when you’re riding a fine colt, you can find your very own roads, blaze new trails, and get to destinations quicker. You’ll be able to send a letter from New York to Los Angeles in less than a month by Pony Express. Plus, we’ll get all those polluting mail trucks off the road–– that should please those AOC Green New Deal commie socialists.”
Asked if he thought if a return to the Pony Express will improve the efficiency and success of mail-in voting, Dejoy turns red and explodes.
“Hell, no,” he screams. “It’s like President Trump says, mail-in voting will never work in America. It just can’t be done. It’s impossible. It takes too long. We may as well try putting men on the moon. I told the president we’d have mail-in voting over my dead body. That will never happen.”
DeJoy hyperventilates. An associate brings him a paper sack, and the Postmaster General delivers his bald noggin into it. He huffs and puffs and calms himself down.
“Take it from me,” DeJoy says. “The Pony Express is a great solution. I mean, who doesn’t like horses?”
The Postmaster General leaves The Lint Screen offices whistling I’m Back In The Saddle Again.
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