The president of the United States says the man who wants his job “keeps little kids in cages, which is not nice, and then he eats them.”

Donald J. Trump, finishing the first term of what he calls “the most successful presidency in history,” has some harsh words for his Democratic rival, Joe Biden.

“It’s horrible what Biden does,” Trump told The Lint Screen. “A lot of people are saying he’s part of the huge Democrat pedophile ring, like Hillary’s pizza place. Not only is he a pedophile, he’s a cannibal. Biden does bad things to kids, nasty things, then grinds them up and makes sloppy joes. He eats them for lunch with a bag of Lay’s. It’s a disaster what he does.”

Asked where he got this damaging information, the president bristles.

“Look, I’m not a book nerd fact-checker. I’m telling you what a lot of people are saying. I’ve talked to a lot of the QAnon people–– good people, they like me–– and they told me all the terrible things Sleepy Joe does. QAnon people are patriots. They know I’m the Chosen One and the FBI is part of the deep state out to get me. They don’t want me making America great again.”

Trump crosses his arm.

“But they’re not going to stop me,” he says. “Not Biden, Crooked Hillary, or Obama. I’m going to save America. I have lots of great things planned for my second term. Big things. Very good things. There won’t be a pandemic, taxes, or unemployment. But there will be a great Trump economy. I’m going to fix the infrastructure, that opioid problem, and give Americans better healthcare. Very cheap healthcare, much much better than Obamacare. I’m going to do tremendous things. It will be incredible.”

Asked about his relationship with Steve Bannon, arrested this morning for being a dirty grifter scumbag, Trump cocked his head and looked confused.

“What’s that, Bannon? O’Bannon? Wasn’t that a TV show?”

This reporter reminded the president Steve Bannon was the mastermind of his 2016 campaign, a confidant, and chief strategist in Trump’s administration.

“I don’t know anything about this Brandon guy. I’m too busy trying to stop the postal service, working hard to save America, and saving the world. I can’t know everyone.”

Trump shakes his head and takes a deep breath.

“A lot of these QAnon people are saying Kamala Harris is an alien. Not an illegal alien, but a real alien–– from outer space. We can’t have a vice president from another planet. She’s not an American. Mike Pence is from Indiana. That’s in the United States. A lot of people don’t know that, but it is”

Trump ends the press conference and wanders away from the microphones. He chases a butterfly.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus”, a dark humor romp across America in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.