Kyle Rittenhouse is dead. The 18-year-old may have gotten off free for traveling over state lines and gunning down a couple of people in Kenosha, Wisconsin, but he also lost his identity along the way.
Disgraced twice-impeached ex-President Donald J. Trump has just adopted Kyle, and the AR-15-shooting superstar has officially changed his name to Kyle Trump.
“I’m very excited about this,” the newest Trump tells The Lint Screen. “Rittenhouse was an okay name, but it didn’t have the branding value of Trump. I mean, you see that name on buildings, emails, everything!”
“There is no stronger brand,” the proud new papa Donald adds. “Trump is the biggest name in the world, probably even the universe–– if we could ever get illegal aliens visiting our planet to admit it. But they won’t.”
The newest Trump has not met his brothers or sisters yet.
“I’m looking forward to meeting them,” Kyle says.
“Don’t get your hopes up,” his new father quips. “They’re not so hot. Don Jr. is scum, not a good hunter like you, Kyle. He needs big rifles to kill wild animals. Eric is a contact embarrassment, and disappointment. Not very good at anything. Ivanka’s hot, but she’s stingy with the affection. And the other ones, I don’t remember their names, but let’s just say they’re not that memorable. I blame the mothers for all the kids. None of them live up to me. I hope Kyle will.”
“I’ll do my best, Pop!” the young killer coos.
“Everyone wanted Kyle,” the big fat Trump says. “That cockroach Matt Gaetz, old fart Paul Gosar, and gunslinging Lauren Boebert, but none of them are as good at media whoring as I am. That’s why I’m proud to call him Kyle Trump.”
The new Trump began balling like a baby. His new father slaps him.
“Quit crying. kid,” DJT says. “The jury found you innocent. The show’s over.”
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