Five’s the charm for billionaire mogul Rupert Murdoch. The 92-year-old kingpin of yellow journalism and fake news is getting married for the fifth time this summer. His latest edition blushing bride will be Ann Lesley Smith, 66. This will be her third marriage.
“I think women find me incredibly handsome and irresistible,” Murdoch tells The Lint Screen. “I guess some guys just naturally have it, that certain thing, and some guys don’t. This old boy obviously has it––in spades! Hell, my last wife was married to Mick Jagger before me. Jerry used to call me her ‘rock star lover.’ So, in your face, Mick! She couldn’t get no satisfaction with you.”
Murdoch pumps his fist in the air and attempts to do a split. As he slowly descends toward the floor, his hip begins to dislocate, and he stops.
“Dammit!” he says, straightening up. “I’m as excited as a schoolboy. I can’t wait to engage in post-marital sex. With a human woman.”
Asked if he thought perhaps some of his attractiveness may be the result of his immense wealth and power, Murdoch shakes his head.
“That’s poppycock,” he says. “Anyone who says that is jealous. Women worship me because I’m a love machine. And if they’re good girls for daddy, I will give them peppermint or butterscotch candies. And a shiny quarter––that I pull from their ear!”
The Aussie fat cat is chairman of Fox Corp, and a $1.6 billion defamation lawsuit brought by Dominion Voting Systems against Fox News begins April 17th.
“I’m not worried about this Dominion dustup,” Murdoch says. “Fox personalities were simply entertaining our viewers. Giving the people what they want. Where is the law against that? And let’s face it, no sane person would think a loser like Trump actually won the election. The whole lawsuit is silly.”
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Of course it’s the money!