Tuberville: “I’ll stop when the U.S. Military surrenders!”

GOP Alabama Senator Tommy Tuberville, who lives in Florida, is determined to make the U.S. Military bow to his wishes.

“Ain’t nothing or no one going to stop me,” Tuberville tells The Lint Screen. “I want a total surrender to my will, or I’ll continue to hold the American Military forces and their families, hostage. This good old boy ain’t playing around.”

For seven months, Tuberville is the lone senator holding up the promotions and nominations of all senior U.S. military officers because of the Defense Department policy of paying for female military personnel to travel across state lines, if necessary, to obtain legal abortions. Ironically, the Justice Department pays expenses for prisoners to travel across state lines to get abortions.

“We can’t have women making healthcare decisions,” Tuberville says. “It’s a man’s job to tell the little fillies what’s best for them. And I’m man enough to do it, by God.”

Since he started his temper tantrum, Tuberville has stymied 273 promotions of senior military personnel. The Marine Corps lacks a Senate-confirmed commandant for the first time in 100 years, and many other key positions are in flux. Pentagon officials believe Tuberville’s action undermines America’s military readiness and hurts military families.

“Cry me a river,” replies Tuberville. “Russia, China, and North Korea aren’t any big threat. Everyone loves America; maybe it’s high time our military stands down. Putin’s not such a bad guy. Vladimir’s a little misunderstood. I wish our military were as strong as his.”

Tuberville also believes white nationalists are the best resource for defending American soil.

“I don’t need anyone in fancy uniforms or tons of medals protecting me,” he says. “Just give me some good ol’ boys in pickups. We’ll keep America safe and sound from the folks that don’t look like us trying to ruin our great nation.”

Like many in the GOP, Tuberville is anti-military, government, the intelligence community, and law and order if it applies to them.

“People need to be more trusting,” the ex-Auburn football coach says. “We’re looking out for everyone’s best interest.” He winks, then walks away.

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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a twisted, fun ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. Also available in audiobook. Buckle up and go.