Teen grappler Matt Gaetz managed to give House Speaker Kevin McCarthy das boot out of the ring, and now there’s a rumble underway for the gavel to lead the loonies in the GOP.
Two MAGA heavyweights, Rep. (LA) Steve “The Slammer” Scalise and Rep. (OH) Jim “The Jock-Sniffer” Jordan, have announced they will square off in a “cage match to the death or until one of us gets an ouchie” for the House Speakership.
It’s being billed as The Battle for The Gavel. The fight will be held in the U.S. House of Representatives on Wednesday, November 11th, officiated by the QAnon Shaman, who presided over the House on January 6, 2021, during the failed coup attempt of the disgraced twice-impeached, convicted fraud ex-President Donald J. Trump.
“This thing’s gonna be huge,” said a jacketless Jim Jordan. “I used to be an Ohio State wrestling coach, so I know how to snap towels and smack the asses of hot young guys. I’m going to clean Scalise’s clock.” He pauses, looking concerned. “I did say ‘clock,’ right?”
Scalise thinks Jordan is dead wrong.
“Jim talks a tough game,” the ragin’ cajan tells The Lint Screen, “but I’m gonna open a can of whoop ass on that boy. I’ll mop the floor with him and throw him out with the dirty water. That gavel is as good as mine.”
“Steve is nuts,” retorts Jordan. “I’m impeaching Biden on bupkis. I am Trump’s boy. No one kisses his fat ass harder. Hell, he even gave me a medal for keeping his bottom spotless. The gavel will be in my fist after this fight, and I’ll use it to pound Scalise into the ground.”
“We’ll see about that, jock-sniffer,” Scalise says, taking a wad of tobacky and plugging it into his gob. “That boy don’t know what he’s in for. I’m Trump’s bitch ’til the end.”
Matt Gaetz smiles, looking on at the combatants.
“I don’t care who the House Speaker is,” the Florida perv says. “I own them, and I’ll burn down the House if I don’t get my way. I got elected to prove the government doesn’t work.”
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