New York Republican Representative George Santos may have finally gone too far, even for the GOP.
Santos became a controversial figure when reporters discovered his background was a total fabrication, including graduating from Baruch College, working for Goldman Sachs, and curing cancer.
“These are small embellishments,” Santos tells The Lint Screen. “Who doesn’t put some shine on their apple?”
He also managed to lend his campaign $700,000 while only making $55,000 annually.
“I’m good with money,” he claims. “What can I say?”
But recently, boxes of 19 severed heads were found in Santos’ Congressional office.
“I like decapitating people,” the pudgy wannabe lawmaker says. “Where’s the crime in that? My hobby engages others. Big deal.”
The creepy crook has also been caught stealing the identities of credit card donors and buying things for himself.
“I told you, I’m good with a buck,” is his defense. “I don’t think my supporters mind supporting me a little extra.”
There are also scads of other illegal and unethical charges against Santos, but it seems the severed heads have drawn the ire of other New York GOP Representatives.
“I think George’s serial killing may be a step too far,” says Rep. Marc Molinaro. “There’s no issue with getting bribes of gold bars, stacks of cash, and having billionaires footing the bill for luxury travel and vacations to influence your court decisions. That’s acceptable lobbying. But come on, we’ve got to draw the line somewhere.”
“I plan to fight this,” proclaims Santos. “Even if it takes my machete.”
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