“I wrote a very good book, and it’s yours for only $59.99”

Disgraced ex-president Donald J. Trump is a masterful salesman. From steaks to water, vodka, ribbed condoms, TOP SECRET classified documents, MAGA hats, and gold sneakers, Trump has pimped them all with the same conviction that almost seems truthful.

Now, the conman is pitching Bibles. Here is the script from his recent infomercial posted on his propaganda channel, Truth Social.

DJT: Hello, America. It’s me, your favorite president, Donald J. Trump. When I look around today, I see our great country is in shambles. Biden has driven us over the cliff. Unemployment has never been higher, the stock market’s never been lower, and the economy is in tatters. Everyone is fighting over rats to eat. It’s disgraceful. So I decided to do something about it.

I’ve written a good book, a very good book, and I want you to have it. I call it The Holy Trump Bible. I’ve always loved the Bible. I have copies of it everywhere in my mansions. I even have a Bible beside my copy of Mein Kampf on my nightstand. Although the Bible is my favorite book, that Adolf Hitler could write a good story, too. Very strong, very inspiring.

One night, I was reading the Bible and thought, this is a good book, but I can improve it. So I did that. How? By doing what our forefathers wanted––mixing religion with politics because they go together like peanut butter and chocolate.

I added the lyrics from Lee Greenwood’s “God Bless the USA” ––but I didn’t stop there. I also put in a copy of The Constitution, which I’ll ignore when I return to office. Then, I threw in the Bill of Rights, the Declaration of Independence, and the Pledge of Allegiance to make it super patriotic. You can almost hear me and my J6 Choir! They are such great patriots, and now they’re held hostage. Sad. Very sad.

I looked at what I created and thought, now that’s a much better book, but it’s still missing something. It needs a hero. So, I made one more revision.

I replaced all the references to Jesus Christ with Donald J. Trump. Jesus had his time, but this is my time to shine. He was never cheated out of an election like I was!

How much would you expect to pay for this incredible book? $50,000? $10,000? $1,800? No. I wanted to save you some cash.

I talked to my printer and had hardball negotiations. I said, “My people work hard for their money, and I want them to have my much better good book for only $59.99. And they said, “Okay, President Trump. You drive a hard bargain and are the greatest businessman ever. But to get that extra low price, the customer must pay for the shipping and handling.” And I said that sounded fantastic.

So, if you act now, you can get my all-new, much better, improved Holy & Patriotic Trump Bible for only $59.99, plus a nominal $399 for shipping and handling. Grab your credit card and order yours today!!!

Because we’re going to make America pray again. Pray, or we will cast your bloody, bullet-ridden corpse to hell.

Order your Trump Bible NOW and save your soul while you save America. Trust me. (HE WINKS AND GIVES A THUMBS UP.)

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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. The book is also available as an audiobook. Buckle up and go.