Once upon a time, they were besties. Blood brothers. Donald and Rudy went together like peanut butter and jelly, but those days seem to have passed.
Now Trump’s former lawyer, Rudy Giuliani, is mystified by what is happening in Judge Juan M. Merchan’s Manhattan courthouse.
“They’ve finally brought Donald to trial in one of the many unfair witch hunts against him,” Rudy tells The Lint Screen. “I’ve always been President Trump’s attorney. He trusts me, but surprisingly, I haven’t received a call from Donald yet. I guess he must have lost my phone number. Mr. President, if you’re reading this, call directory assistance or look in the Greyhound station’s men’s room to find my number. Give me a call, and let me help you fight for justice! You know I’ve always been your number one dog!”
Rudy appears upset at being ghosted by a man he worshipped for so long.
“There has never been a better president than Donald Trump,” he says. “He was sent here by God to save America and the world. And to sell sneakers, my special Bibles, hats, and all kinds of MAGA crap. And he has never had a more loyal, dedicated supporter than me. I can’t figure out why he hasn’t given me a ring.”
Giuliani is also confused by recent reports of Trump’s mounting legal bills.
“They say President Trump has spent over $100 million for lawyers,” Rudy says, shaking his head. “And I’ve read he’s been paying cash up to his legal firms, but that can’t be right. Donald, I’ve sent you over 300 invoices for my expert legal services over the years, but I haven’t received one payment yet. I guess the checks could be in the mail.” He shrugs. “Then again, maybe Donald lost my address, too.”
Rudy smiles. “Donald, when you’re ready for the expert closer in your court case, I’ll be standing by in the bullpen. Give your boy a call, okay? I’m ready to go, champ!”
The pathetic man looks expectantly at his silent phone as a tear slowly rolls down his cheek.
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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is Wilder than a Circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. The book is also available as an audiobook. Buckle up and go.