Crazy conspiracy theorist Laura Loomer has been the recent sidekick of felon GOP presidential candidate disgraced twice-impeached ex-President Donald J. Trump. They sat in The Lint Screen offices and discussed the importance of the 2024 election.
“If I don’t get elected, this country is over,” the man in the red MAGA hat said. “Everyone will die painfully.”
“It will be catastrophic,” Loomer agreed. “Like when the Martians invaded the world and took all the world’s gold reserves.”
“All those dangerous thugs Biden invited from foreign countries,” the overweight old guy said, “they’re all getting very hungry. They’re not only eating dogs, cats, and geese in Springfield–– now they’re starting to eat humans. American citizens. They’re eating their flesh. No one’s ever seen anything like it.”
“The whole thing is awful,” the wild-eyed Looney said. “Innocent people are getting eaten by all the maniacs, rapists, and killers the Democrats let in. These people are going to destroy the country. It’s the worst crisis this country has seen since minorities got the right to vote.”
“But it’s not just the cannibals,” the senior walrus said. “Kama-la-la-whatever-her-name-is is also unleashing flying monkeys to kill Americans.”
“It’s just like in The Wizard of Oz,” the delusional alarmist said. “Everyone thought it was made up, but that movie was actually a documentary. Look it up on Google! Dorothy died in 1969. She was killed by an escaped tiger in Malaysia. It was horrible.”
“Dorothy was a very good person,” the leering man added. “She could sing like an angel. Such a voice. She was young and perky. I like that. So young. Had a thing for rainbows. By the way, The Wicked Witch was a Democrat––most people don’t know that, but it’s true. That’s why she was so evil. All Democrats are evil, and they’re trying to get me killed. They don’t want Trump to save America and make it great again.”
“If people don’t vote Trump/Vance, it’s curtains for all of us. It’s a death sentence. We’ll be nothing but bones picked up by flying monkeys and dropped into the ocean–– which is drinkable water, but Democrats don’t want people to know that.”
“Don’t make me take The White House by force. I will be president whether America likes it or not.”
“He’s my hero,” she says, snuggling against his arm. “Will you do one of your famous weaves for me, sugar babe?”
“Of course, snookums.”
This reporter choked back sick, as he ran to the bathroom.
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Read PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is Wilder than a Circus,” a twisted, funny ride across America with a traveling circus in the early 1980s. The book is also available as an audiobook. Buckle up and go.