Poor little Donnie Trump. Some Americans don’t love him unconditionally. They dare to complain about his undemocratic policies, question his reckless fiscal policies, and question his sanity. When the Big Guy craves affirmation, he calls a Cabinet meeting, and his puppets dance for him.
Here is a partial transcript from a recent Cabinet meeting with his ass-kissing gang of spinless weenies.
VANCE: Mr. President, thank you for your magnificent leadership. I am so proud to be on your team, forging a brave new, prosperous future. You are like Einstein and someone else who’s really smart rolled into one. You’re truly remarkable. I marvel at your brilliance and bravery.
HEGSETH: I also think the President is amazing. Stupendous even. Sir, you are better than God! Much, much better. Everyone should pray to you!
BONDI: I am so proud to work under your bold leadership, sir, and I speak for all women when I say we find you very attractive and want to sleep with you because of your incredible good looks, masculine ripped body, and your irresistible charisma. We want to bear your children, sir!
RFK JR: Sir, you have what the kids call ‘rizz.’ Which I believe is a good thing–– unlike vaccines, fluoride, and medicine..
BESSENT: Mr. President, I want to thank you from every corner of my heart for your brilliant tariff policy, which will make every American wealthier than Warren Buffett. Your leadership will pave the way to unimaginable prosperity.
BURGUM: You are playing 4-D chess, sir!
RUBIO: No. It’s more like 5-or 6-D chess!
DUFFY: You’re both wrong. It’s 100-D chess!!!
LUTNICK: No, you fools! President Trump is playing infinity-D chess!!! Sir, you are truly an economic mastermind. Brilliant in every way!
LOEFFLER: That is so true, Howie. Leaders from every country want to kiss your ass because they respect and fear your strength, brains, and Hollywood good looks.
TRUMP: That’s right, Kelly. They all call me up crying and begging, “Sir, what can we do to please you? We love you, sir, and are very afraid of you. Please, sir, please help us help you make America great again.” (HE GRINS) No one’s ever seen anything like it. They all love me. Everyone loves Trump! What do you think about that?
(ALL CABINET MEMBERS APPLAUD FURIOUSLY, EACH FEARING TO BE THE FIRST TO STOP. THEY CONTINUE CLAPPING UNTIL THEIR HANDS BLEED. FINALLY, TRUMP DIRECTS THEM TO STOP AS AIDES WIPE BLOOD OFF THE TABLE.)
TRUMP: Now, where were we?
NOEM: Sir, because you are the greatest president ever, I think your handsome face should be on the one million dollar bill. No, wait––I meant the twenty million dollar bill!
RATCLIFFE: We should rename Washington ‘Trump Land‘ in your honor.
RUBIO: ‘The United States’ is a tired name, sir. We should rebrand our country ‘The Glorious Trump Empire!‘
(TRUMP SMILES, CLOSES HIS EYES, AND NODS HIS APPROVAL. AS CABINET MEMBERS USE CHAPSTICK AND PUCKER FOR ROUND TWO)
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Enjoy PD Scullin’s debut novel, “SAWDUST: Love is wilder than a circus,” a humorous romp across America with a circus in the early ’80s. You’re a click away from a helluva fun ride. Buckle up and go.